None of my DNA matches have ever contacted me

[Josephine]

That's good advice, Zaph; thanks. I may reach out to her again.

I've noticed that the Ancestry messaging interface will display a tick mark when a message has been read, and this lets me know that one of the messages I've sent recently was read, even though he hasn't responded.

This person has a fairly unique name, and when I subsequently Googled it, I saw some news articles about a man and his spouse who served several years in federal (US) prison for tax fraud. So maybe sometimes it's a good thing when people don't respond, LOL.

I had a small public tree up on Ancestry when my DNA was initially uploaded; that's how that one man (let's call him Mr. Hoover) was able to identify my grandparents and then go bananas finding -- and adding to his tree -- everything to do with my mother's (completely unrelated to him) ancestors.

After Mr. Hoover announced to me that he'd narrowed down the possibilities of my father being Mr. X or Mr. Y, I was totally creeped out, and made my tree private. Even though my parents and I were 'private' on my tree, it's so easy now to trace people, thanks to online obits, etc.

It did make me wonder if sometimes I have creeped other people out when I've contacted them, asking, for example, if they are the grandchild of my grandfather's brother who moved to the US in the 1940s, and explaining that I've contacted them on the basis of information found in online obits, etc. Oh, dear.

[Zaphod99]

I never understand how and why people get worked up about things that happened in 1940.

I've asked plenty of people about how they are related, usually when trying to verify the parts of ThruLines hints that don't have publicly available clues.  So often I find the hints can be verified, back to a common ancestor, apart from the last descent to one of my DNA matches.  I've never had negative responses.

Zaph

[Glen in Tinsel Kni]

Glen, yes contacting people myself and getting replies is no problem. Admittedly sometimes it can be a year or two before they realise they've got a message. I just really can't believe that out of 17,000 matches not a single one has chosen to contact me. I know lots of them are below 10 or 20 centimorgans, but there are many above 20 and it just surprises me why they've never bothered contacting me. I accept that some people aren't interested and had just been given DNA tests as presents.  And there must be many people that get their results and are just bewildered by them as it is not an easy interest to attack.

Zaph

I try to be open on my profile and have had some adoptees get in touch who seemed relieved to find they aren't unique but there's  only so much you can write in the limited space and it works both ways, I dare say some feel I'm the product of the dregs of society whilst others accept nobody is perfect (assuming they know what NPE means);

Adoptee born in Lincoln in the 1960's, recently discovered my bio mother is an NPE so hundreds of mystery/unknown matches. Bio father may also be an NPE but insufficient matches to prove it, paternal grandmother is a resolved NPE. My tree has lots of wide and deep floating branches as I try to join the dots, if you know which side of your tree we match let me know and let's try to work out the link GEDMatch kit number ******. Raw Data also added to My Heritage, MyLivingDNA and myFTDNA

==


I can understand some may want to keep some aspects of their ancestry private so have a private tree (or a public tree with clumsy 'adjustments'), it's often easy to uncover the secret based on matches and a quick bmd search but that just reinforces my belief (whatever that's worth), that DNA to some degree is pushing research underground and discourages collaboration. It's possibly not helped by some of the tv programmes, when a search is successful and the 'lost' family appear on camera everyone loves it but many are quick to moan if a parent wants to remain off camera or chooses not to have contact.   

Here endeth my weekly soap box rant. 

[Josephine]

Glen, your post reminded me that I recently put up a new public tree on Ancestry based on my speculative relationship to the grandfather of my DNA mystery cousin. (I linked my brother's DNA results to this tree as well.)

This has been very helpful to me when coupled with a subscription to Ancestry plus the extra subscription to its "Pro Tools."

In this new tree, I made sure to have my anonymized grandmother's potential bio dad appear as an anonymized brother of the man whom I believe was her bio dad. (I did this because I don't want to upset any of his living relatives, some of whom are elderly. They might not even be on Ancestry, for all I know, but I'd rather err on the side of caution -- after all, I might be wrong.)

Even so, Ancestry keeps showing me suggestions from trees, and documents, all for the man whom I believe was my grandmother's bio dad. I don't take that as solid proof, of course, but it is interesting.

All this to say that it can be helpful to have a public tree, especially when trying to figure out a DNA mystery.

[Glen in Tinsel Kni]

Josephine

There were always trees that showed living people and tree owners willing to blatantly copy huge chunks of trees but by and large there was an etiquette that most people followed, that doesn't seem to be the case now. I often help adoptees searching for bio family but everything is done privately by pm though I'm often surprised at posts on social media (sometimes public trees), with warts and all stories with names and addresses of potential parents along with details of their spouse and kids for anyone to read and share. Call me a grumpy old man but the world today seems to include people who think their desperation and perceived need for answers 'right now' over rides common courtesy and respect for others. I've seen many a search turn sour when people have been pushy. Like many things those who abuse the system spoil it for others.

*climbs off soapbox again 

[Josephine]

I agree, Glen. I hope your soapbox is big enough for me to fit onto it, too.

 

[DavidG02]

I can understand the frustration of not being contacted but I look at it another way

Why do I need to contact you when I know where you fit? This may come across as rude but its the heart of research .

Thank you for providing your tree and your family links and I hope you get the same benefit from mine. I dont need to know the 3rd cousin that is obviously from that side of the family.

I also recognise  that people have many reasons for being on a DNA site.

For my own experience I have sent out and had contact with people . Ironically my first ever message was from someone ( I actually thought it was a bot ) who let me know my DNA was up on site and was I related to this person. Strange way to be informed my wait was over

I welcome messages and will try and help where I can. I spent a few nights combing through my messages because I finally ( after 8 years) found a link as to where this person could fit in. But I couldnt find the original message . It was what I thought it might be at the time but didnt want to outright say '' its this person ''

I always try and help adoptees by providing the best direction as I see it. But I wont message someone if I cant see an obvious link. I would hope they are chasing down better leads than my '' it could be this family but its a guess ''

Again I understand the need for messages helping you out but Ive never found a site where you get zero responses

[Biggles50]

I have either contacted or been contacted by 10 DNA Cousins.

In May I even travelled to Manchester to meet a 3C to compare Family Notes, and we are in regular contact with each other.

Messages are very spasmodic, I have more or less stopped initiating contact.

[Steve3180]

Zaphod, I think you're just a bit unlucky with your matches.
I've totted mine up and since I tested nine people have contacted me out of the blue on Ancestry and three on MyHeritage. It's been a totally mixed bag ranging from people who basically wanted it done for them to two or three who were really great and helped me a lot. I think of the contact system as a useful but fairly minor part of Ancestry and was using it well before my dna test but only very occasionally. It has been useful to me but very sporadically, my last useful contact was three years ago.
I've initiated contact with sixteen people, and have had a reply from all but two. From what other people have said that looks to be high, but I do try to select carefully and also try to ask a specific question. For me it's never about recent people so that takes the personal out of it I suppose.