What do you think I should do in this situation?

[rebeccaclaire86]

Personally I think you should leave it be unless she ever directly asks about it. There are two things I’ve found which kept from living relatives - both because they’re things that I believe would unsettle them. My thought is that if they ever ask and genuinely want to know, I will share it, but otherwise I’m going to leave it be.

However I’m a big believer in people having the right to know their ancestry, and certainly would be making contact with cousins and building the tree myself though!

[TheCurlyLocks]

Is your mother your  said nan's daughter?
If she is your nan's daughter,  what are her thoughts on the matter? 

Me, I wouldn't  tell my own  Nan if she was alive, if your Nan wanted to DNA test she would. It is up to you and your mum, you know your Nan,  we  certainly dont .

Interesting some of you wouldn't want  know if it was you in nan's position.
Nan has half siblings that she doesn't know about. My parent is in the OPs  nan's position (  my parent has a half sibling that they don't  know about)

I am in a extremely  similar position to your mother, except  it is  my grandfather who fathered an illegitmate child and not the other way about( my granddad fathered an illegitimate child overseas when he was in he army, an affair) .
I have chosen  not to tell  my parent that they have  a living half sibling. It is an extremely, extremely difficult decision to live with!  And anyone  who has ever been in the same position   will know that.


 I have been living with my decision of not informing my parent for just  over two years, it is very  hard to live with it , its not a easy decision.
That's  why I asked you, about  your  mother's thoughts, as she is closer to the situation  than you are, . Your nan's half sibling's are your  mum's half uncles/ Aunts.

I am in contact with my  half uncle ( they took a DNA test , it was how I intially found out , we both highly matched to eachother ,and it was pretty obvious.  We match very high, almost half sibling level.) .

I  assume your nan's  half siblings haven't  taken a test,  and don't  know about your mother or your Nan? ( as your mother would be highly matching to them, it would  be pretty obvious  to them that your  mother must be their half niece).

I 100%  think it's your and your mother's  decision, not strangers, and certainly not one's who have never been in this situation.
( I received flak off someone here   for making the decision  not to tell my parent that they  have a living half sibling )

It is YOUR and YOUR  MUM'S  DNA ,  it is therefore your  and your mum's decision.
For some  who think  "the truth  should be known". It is not your Nan, or  your  close family they will be hurting ,or not hurting. If we all spoke the truth,  when some of the truths can gain no good and just  hurt  the people that you care  deeply about -  what a world it would be eh.

Best of luck to whatever  you  and your mum decide, only you  and your mum  know what is best in your own family's situation ,  I know it is not an easy decision either  way  - It's  something  I have to live with everyday  not telling my parent and spend  many sleepless nights  over it - to tell  my parent, it would extremely hurt  them.
 Very Kind regards

My mum couldn't care less about genealogy or her past to be honest, I paid for her DNA test out of my income. I've told her all about it and she just laughed it off practically in one ear and out of the next. But she did exclaim me to not tell my nan about it and she lives with it more than fine, she wasn't close with her grandad at all so it makes sense I suppose

[TheCurlyLocks]

I really think your Nan has given you her answer already with her negative feelings about DNA. Your relationship is much more important  than revelations that are likely to cause emotional harm to your Nan.
In this case I think you need to choose family over names.
Such a tough situation though, my heart goes out to you.

Thank you so much for the kind reply I do appreciate it

[TheCurlyLocks]

In "FAMILY TREE" which is more important to you "FAMILY" or "TREE"?

It is not that easy.

Family can be Biological or Genealogical and they are not necessarily the same.

In this case “Nan” knows of the DNA test and of the parentage question that it raises.

Her negative response is not going to “put the Genie back in the bottle”, she knows what is happening and her reaction is unfair on her family.

Educate her.

But

Certainly do not miss out on contacting relatives who share your bloodline, should they pass before Nan the chance of a relationship goes with them.

Biggles have you ever had experience of this?  putting  it politely,   it is the OPs choice. Whatever they decide to do!
 I'll  never forget where you came in aggressively  to  a thread nwhen I found  my living parent  had had had  living half sibling  with  your  " the have right  to know."
It is an extremely  hard thing  to go through!!

what  is " educate her " ( as in their  nan) sorry this has totally  put  my back up!
!! Oh wow , how  derogative!!! You should  educate yourself  on  living  people ,close  kin which it affects , and not your own long  dead rellies - it's called FEELINGS,  LOVE and HURT

There are living people 
I am sure the OP knows  their family, and  thier  Nan better than you do. 
 Signing  off as I  am damn angry  with the bull that biggles is spouting off.

Thank you very much for the reply, to the comment above my nan is educated on genealogy and actively watches shows where the topic of illegitimate parentage are covered, She had no issue with me and my mum doing the DNA test she just seems quite reserved against it herself.

There is no clear answer as everyone will deal with it differently but again its the mixture of guilt of keeping secrets from her but I also dont want to stress her in a more delicate era of life

[TheCurlyLocks]

I think your feelings matter as well, CurleyLocks.  I feel sorry for people in these types of situations when they are made to feel so guilty and shamed for wanting to know more about their past. None of us know what is around the corner.  Sometimes it might be too late to wait around until someone has died.  Don't be guilt tripped by anyone. 
If I were in your shoes, I think I would pursue things albeit discreetly as Pfig and Cell did.  In my opinion, just because there is an over riding need to find out more this does not mean anyone loves their immediate family any less. 
Reading your stories Pfig and Cell, I think you both handled things very well.  You had a win-win situation in the sense that you met your own needs in finding things out but you were also sensitive by not sharing information which might be unwelcome.

Thank you very much, I'm happy I went through the journey and definitely learnt skills on genealogy as a whole. Had to rule out multiple people and it is truly a relief to put a name to what became a question mark 2 years ago

[TheCurlyLocks]

Why should he or she have a  lot of explaining to  do, they   could say they  were protecting their  beloved Grandmother,  end of story in my opinion, they have to do what they feel is right for everyone , they have to live with it if they spill the beans to soon,  but as has already been suggested, grandma might know already and doesn't want to upset others,  works both ways.
Good luck with whatever choice you make

LM

I appreciate your active input on the thread

[louisa maud]

Please don't get stressed about it, one day a family might say " do you know grandma was illegitimate" you could confess and say you kept it to yourself so as "not to embarrass grandma" you never know knowing you have done DNA   tests she might confide in you but don't get unduly stressed about it.
Happy hunting
LM

[River Tyne Lass]

Try not to feel guilty about all this.  Personally, I think there is no need to.  You and your Nan both have the right to have different views.  The way I see it is you are not keeping secrets from her, you are just being sensitive about her feelings.  It comes across that you do love and respect your Nan.
Also well done, on getting a name for your question mark.  I wish I could be so lucky finding out the identity of my deceased illegitimate Grandmother's Father.  I have two possible matches who might hold the key but unfortunately neither will reply.

[Biggles50]

In "FAMILY TREE" which is more important to you "FAMILY" or "TREE"?

It is not that easy.

Family can be Biological or Genealogical and they are not necessarily the same.

In this case “Nan” knows of the DNA test and of the parentage question that it raises.

Her negative response is not going to “put the Genie back in the bottle”, she knows what is happening and her reaction is unfair on her family.

Educate her.

But

Certainly do not miss out on contacting relatives who share your bloodline, should they pass before Nan the chance of a relationship goes with them.

Biggles have you ever had experience of this?  putting  it politely,   it is the OPs choice. Whatever they decide to do!
 I'll  never forget where you came in aggressively  to  a thread nwhen I found  my living parent  had had had  living half sibling  with  your  " the have right  to know."
It is an extremely  hard thing  to go through!!

what  is " educate her " ( as in their  nan) sorry this has totally  put  my back up!
!! Oh wow , how  derogative!!! You should  educate yourself  on  living  people ,close  kin which it affects , and not your own long  dead rellies - it's called FEELINGS,  LOVE and HURT

There are living people 
I am sure the OP knows  their family, and  thier  Nan better than you do. 
 Signing  off as I  am damn angry  with the bull that biggles is spouting off.

Yes I have direct experience it, of a DNA test that throws ones whole life into uncertainty. 

You want feelings I’ll give you feelings, of hurt, of uncertainty, of doubt of being lied to, of mistrust, these I live with every day.

I have a 1/2 Brother that I never knew existed until recently.

So it is far from Bull.

Just watch the TV programme Stranger In My Family, where person in the TV programme was lied to by his Mother, his life is due to a casual holiday fling.

If family are not interested in their own past then that is entirely up to them and their feelings should count for very little for the Op if it means missing out on developing relationships with people who are in reality close family.