What do you think I should do in this situation?

[TheCurlyLocks]

Finally after a few years I've sold the NPE of my grandmother but I was looking for some advice

Probably the standard here but my Nan is against DNA genealogy but is very active in making her own family tree, I decided to start also about 3 years ago and grew a very far branched line based off records but when I got me and my mother to do a DNA test it became quickly apparent my Nan had a different father which I researched for over a year and finally managed to pin down the person who it is and was a man who lived from 1930-2022 who died just before I discovered my connection to him.

The man had been married for 70 years from 1952-2022 and my Nan was born in 1954 and he had 2 kids with his wife born in 1953 and 1970.

All I know about my nans conception was that my great grandma (1926-1983) planning to runaway from my originally thought to be great grandad (1922-1985) because they'd been married for over 7 years and he didn't get her pregnant and she was planning to runaway with another man but suddenly became pregnant in 1953 and stayed with my thought to be great grandad and nobody has questioned whether my Nan was not my thought to be great grandads child as I assumed she was until this DNA test

I'm really nervous about what to do next in this situation as I'm conflicted about contacting either them two children of my great grandad because of the fact my Nan was convinced while their parents were married and I don't want a negative reaction off them like I'm trying to gain anything financial or make them view their father in a negative way

I'm also extremely cautious on my Nan as she's always lived knowing her dad as the 1922-1985 thought to be great grandad and is against DNA testing technology type stuff and i have a really strong relationship with her and don't want to stir the pot and potentially harm the relationship I have with her that I value heavily and I love her dearly and I wonder if it's even worth the stress for both parties as He's already dead.

What's your thoughts???

[louisa maud]

I held a couple of similar secrets  from a  family member, she believed her father was born with my Swedish gt grandfather, she wasn't  but I didn't tell her, she was elderly  and I didn't feel I ought to upset her,  he father was born with my gt grandmother but a completely different partner, it was well documented in the papers that my gt grandmother took a man to court for paternity,   have never understood why, no DNA  in those days but he paid up, he had a wife, I am the only one who found that out, so, I suppose you could weigh the situation up, do you want to upset your family and your beloved grandmother,?,,  another thought is because she is against DNA   does she already know?.

LM
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[jimbo50]

That's a good thought, LM.
I would never dream of telling any family member that I had discovered something like that, especially using the 'banned' DNA. It is what it is. It'll only cause awkwardness at best. There'll be time when Nan is not around anymore.
I'd be devastated if it was me being told something like that.

[CaroleW]

Because you don't know whether she is already aware - you have to assume she isn't.

I think you could not only upset her but possibly damage your relationship with her if you told her - even if she admits she already knew.  She may be very embarrassed .  Some things are best left alone until the person is deceased

[TheCurlyLocks]

I held a couple of similar secrets  from a  family member, she believed her father was born with my Swedish gt grandfather, she wasn't  but I didn't tell her, she was elderly  and I didn't feel I ought to upset her,  he father was born with my gt grandmother but a completely different partner, it was well documented in the papers that my gt grandmother took a man to court for paternity,   have never understood why, no DNA  in those days but he paid up, he had a wife, I am the only one who found that out, so, I suppose you could weigh the situation up, do you want to upset your family and your beloved grandmother,?,,  another thought is because she is against DNA   does she already know?.

LM
.

I mean I highly doubt so, of course could be wrong but she still puts a lot of effort into doing her paper trail family tree its just mainly the DNA technology she isnt interested in. She wasn't very close with her dad that she's always known but he still raised her & provided for her.

My grandmothers sister did a DNA test and she found out she was the result of an NPE and told my grandmother about it and my grandmother reacted quite negatively not liking how she was identifying with the "new father"

[TheCurlyLocks]

Because you don't know whether she is already aware - you have to assume she isn't.

I think you could not only upset her but possibly damage your relationship with her if you told her - even if she admits she already knew.  She may be very embarrassed .  Some things are best left alone until the person is deceased

Thank you for the reply, its a tough situation as it feels like lying but also dont wanna risk making things difficult between her as I do know my nan can hold a grudge well

[louisa maud]

Think I have the  right saying " let sleeping dogs lie" in the nicest possibly way

LM

[Biggles50]

Your Nan is younger than me and a female born in 1954 may well be still around for many, many years to come.

As it is the child born in 1953 is in the same longevity situation as your Nan if they are female and potentially many years less if they are male.

Playing a waiting game will not give you the chance of meeting them unless my clandestine means.

If your a Nan knows of your DNA test then she may already suspect.

Try watching the TV show “Stranger in my Family” and listen to the BBC Sounds series “The Gift” and try to introduce the programmes to your Nan to get a discussion going.

In reality your Nan is buying her head in the sand, and she can have all the documents and certificates in the world but if her close family in her Family Tree do not have DNA validation of their relationship from them to her then tree is effectively factually prone to being erroneous. 

I have Birth Certificates and Marriage Certificates in my Family that are each a lie, the Registrar has been given factually incorrect information and recorded that information and issued Certificates that are in error.

When one takes a DNA test, the results as they stand DOES NOT LIE, a DNA match where c1700cM is shared is likely to be a 1/2 sibling, a DNA match where c800cM is shared is likely to be a First Cousin.

To give you a specific example, if your known First Cousin, the Cousin who you have known all your life takes a DNA test and the results show that they share Zero DNA with you then they are not your Biological Cousin but simply a Genealogical Cousin where all the Certificates and known family knowledge say that they are your Cousin but the science tells you otherwise.

Educate Nan that DNA is now key to producing an accurate Family Tree.

If she is still adamant, tell her that you have found close relations who you share DNA with and that you plan on contacting them.

Then contact the two DNA Cousins and try to develop a relationship with them whilst you can.

The truth needs to be known.

[AnnaBme]

Personally, I think people are more important than "facts." Why hurt your grandmother by forcing her to rethink her entire identity late in life? Will it make her happy? Will she feel closer to you? Probably not...