DNA ethnicity logic check / Unexpected result

[AndyH81]

I think your sister should do a test.  Let’s face it there was a sperm diner (biological father) and a real father who bought you up.  Also imagine his relief if it proves she is his biological daughter.

My sister is no longer interested in doing a test. She doesn't want to find out anything that would cause her to question what she already knows. It's obviously affected her quite deeply.

I think my father is a bit embarrassed by the whole thing - he doesn't seem to want anyone else to know. Which I suppose I am kind of fine with, but I suspect my second cousin who was the catalyst for this whole thing has already figured it out. She's not stupid.

[Maiden Stone]

I think my father is a bit embarrassed by the whole thing - he doesn't seem to want anyone else to know.

Perfectly understandable; "a bit embarrassed" may be an understatement. If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't want anyone outside the immediate family knowing.

[AndyH81]

I think my father is a bit embarrassed by the whole thing - he doesn't seem to want anyone else to know.

Perfectly understandable; "a bit embarrassed" may be an understatement. If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't want anyone outside the immediate family knowing.

Well, it's hardly his fault if my mother cheated. It's certainly tainted my opinion of her - but if it is confirmed he isn't my bio-father (which I am almost certain he won't be at this point) - I suppose I can't be too angry at her because I'd be wishing myself away.

I think he probably just doesn't want a big fuss over the whole thing. I've not told anyone yet anyhow, save for a few friends, and only one of my sisters knows. Not because I don't want people to know... but just because it doesn't make a huge amount of difference to our relationship.

I'd like to know how the culprit is, as it were, but not so we can have a relationship - I just want to complete as many of the pieces of the puzzle as I can.

I suppose both of us are also a little concerned of tainting everyone else's view of her too; her siblings, and nieces and nephews etc.

[Guy Etchells]

If the DNA tests show that the person you thought was your father and you are not related then forget about him as your biological father.
Having said that he is still your dad and a very important part of your family, so don’t blot him out of your family life or family history.

Regarding the DNA if at all possible, try again to get your sister to take a DNA test (especially if she is older than you) and any cousins you know about.
Would your sister be happy to take the test on the understanding that you did not reveal her results to her but used them in your research? It would be a big ask but your sister would be doing something very important to you.
We each get roughly half of our DNA from our mother and half from our father, so the more people you are able to test the more complete your DNA history will be.
Cheers
Guy

PS I have just noticed you mention sisters would your other sisters be happy to take a test?

[AndyH81]

I've absolutely no intention of cutting my dad out in any way - he's my dad. I'm surprised that's even entertained as an idea! I can't imagine many people in this position do that, but maybe I'm wrong.

Only one sister is aware of the situation. She was the one who we thought was a full sibling, and she is no longer interested in doing a DNA test in any circumstances. My other sister was a half sibling, but I see no reason to involve her as she has a different father so it would be a moot point anyway. Both are younger.

I haven't seen any of my cousins in decades. But, again, I'm not sure what benefit getting all of them tested would be in looking for my own father?

I strongly suspect this DNA test is going to confirm that we're not biologically related, but I am honestly not sure what to think. A few people who I have spoken to working in this area seem to think that 'mass market' tests are inaccurate, mixed up, or misinterpreted frequently enough that they think it's always worth getting a second opinion. Which is worrying, I guess... but there you have it.

[Ashtone]

I've been following this thread with interest. A close relative of mine was the product of an extra-marital affair. She didn't learn this fact until she was in her late teens. When we discussed it years later, she didn't have any negativity towards either "party".  In her words: "Hey, life happens. And if the affair hadn't occurred, I wouldn't be here. So I don't bear any ill will against my mother". As you can see, my relative always put a positive slant on matters.

Another relative was also the result of an extra-marital affair during WW2. Her great-grandson reached out to me a few years ago -- with certain questions/suspicions. I told him who his biological great-grandfather was (everyone in the family knew who he was). But the great-grandson went into an instant denial, saying he didn't want to think anything untoward about his great-granny. So be it.

[AndyH81]

In her words: "Hey, life happens. And if the affair hadn't occurred, I wouldn't be here. So I don't bear any ill will against my mother". As you can see, my relative always put a positive slant on matters.

Obviously I am disappointed that my mother did this and the implications it has for certain people, but, yes, this is essentially where I am with it: things happen which can't be undone and had such events not occurred, I wouldn't be here... so it seems a bit weird wishing myself away.

[Ashtone]

I presume your mother is no longer around, in order to ask her about the "circumstances"?
With my relative (the positive one), she discussed it with her mother. She learned that her mum was in love with the (unmarried) chap, and that the affair had lasted several years. Knowing that helped my relative accept the circumstances of her existence, as it were. She'd laugh and say it made her feel "special" when compared to her "ordinary" cousins.

The great-grandmother of my other relative (the one in denial) had a casual workplace affair with a fellow married colleague. Not a lot in it, really. But that fling and its consequences have cast a long shadow to this day with the descendants.

Interestingly, both women grew-up in the same market town and were 1st cousins.

[AndyH81]

I presume your mother is no longer around, in order to ask her about the "circumstances"?

No, she died when I was a child. My father did say that she had a very close friend who might have been able to shed some light on it - but unfortunately he is now also dead.

And of the more likely candidates for bio-father, they are all dead too. Well, the ones whom I have been able to theorise about myself anyway. A professional could probably do better.

The one thing my father seems to be divulging more about is my mother's personality and mental health. It seems like she was probably a very damaged woman as the result of things she experienced growing up.