Advice on gifting ancestry kit to stranger

[TheBam]

Hello, through DNA and shared matches I’m now reasonably confident I’ve worked out who my unknown grandfather is. Good news!

Unfortunately he passed a while back but through research I’ve ascertained a couple of living children, therefore potentially mum’s half brothers.

One is active on Facebook and I’m contemplating messaging him and introducing myself and then asking if he would do an ancestry DNA test to confirm the relationship (which I would pay for), however obviously concerned on how I word this since they likely have no knowledge whatsoever of us.

Does anyone have any tips / success stories that they could share on how I can approach this tricky subject 😁

[Mike in Cumbria]

Hello, through DNA and shared matches I’m now reasonably confident I’ve worked out who my unknown grandfather is. Good news!

Unfortunately he passed a while back but through research I’ve ascertained a couple of living children, therefore potentially mum’s half brothers.

One is active on Facebook and I’m contemplating messaging him and introducing myself and then asking if he would do an ancestry DNA test to confirm the relationship (which I would pay for), however obviously concerned on how I word this since they likely have no knowledge whatsoever of us.

Does anyone have any tips / success stories that they could share on how I can approach this tricky subject 😁

Get to know them a bit before going anywhere near suggesting a DNA test.

[Galium]

Do you know whether the mother of those people might be still living?

Those are people who have not taken a dna test themselves. They may not be interested in their family history, or understand why anyone would do that. Is there any way way to introduce yourself that doesn't begin with what might be shocking and unwelcome information?

Is there anyone among your dna matches that you could try contacting first as someone who might know them personally?

[Flemming]

Just from personal experience, I'd tread very carefully here. We've got two similar stories with one family being ok with it and staying in touch; the other family closing down all contact. You never know how people will take the news, no matter how sensitively it's handled. It's more to do with the people themselves and how they see the illegitimacy.

If there's a strong case with DNA to identify the man as your grandfather, do you really need other grandchildren's tests to prove it?

[TheBam]

Do you know whether the mother of those people might be still living?

Those are people who have not taken a dna test themselves. They may not be interested in their family history, or understand why anyone would do that. Is there any way way to introduce yourself that doesn't begin with what might be shocking and unwelcome information?

Is there anyone among your dna matches that you could try contacting first as someone who might know them personally?

Hi Galium, no their mother has also passed.

I’ve contacted some relatives on Ancestry and 23+me, who are 1C1R to them. It appears they do not know much about this particular side of the family though.

[TheBam]

Just from personal experience, I'd tread very carefully here. We've got two similar stories with one family being ok with it and staying in touch; the other family closing down all contact. You never know how people will take the news, no matter how sensitively it's handled. It's more to do with the people themselves and how they see the illegitimacy.

If there's a strong case with DNA to identify the man as your grandfather, do you really need other grandchildren's tests to prove it?

Hi Flemming, yeh. Not sure how to progress this one.
Based on info I’m pretty sure it’s them but would love to confirm though.
Will give it some more thought however, as you say it could come as a massive shock to someone if I’m correct...

[brigidmac]

I agree with all comments
One of my cousins had a father who was a known womaniser and he doesn't like the idea that he might have half brothers or sisters trying to contact him but a generation down is a bit safer ie if it was half nephews or neicesor half cousins who you could approach
Sharing a grandparent is easier to absorb than sharing a parent .
 

[TheBam]

I agree with all comments
One of my cousins had a father who was a known womaniser and he doesn't like the idea that he might have half brothers or sisters trying to contact him but a generation down is a bit safer ie if it was half nephews or neicesor half cousins who you could approach
Sharing a grandparent is easier to absorb than sharing a parent .

Good advice, thanks

[Flemming]

Sharing a grandparent is easier to absorb than sharing a parent .

It's not always the case if people remember their grandparents with great fondness and find the idea of them having an illegitimate child hard to take. People can be surprising with their reactions even for things that happened many moons ago.

If the living relatives aren't into family research, don't have a tree on any of the sites and haven't done DNA, it's pretty much cold calling to contact them. At least if they're into ancestry, they'll have an awareness of 'NPEs' and may be less surprised by it.

Something else to consider is that, if they don't do DNA, you'll have to explain it to them and people don't always grasp that you don't need a test by a direct descendant to prove the case. I know a few people who have struggled with this bit in making contact with relatives.