Father and sons named after wrong father and family

[Kiltpin]

Dear dflaucho,
You are hurt, there is no denying that. And worried, and ashamed and truly shaken to the core of your being.

But as a very old friend of mine would say "Has anybody died? Broken bones? Spilled blood? Has anybody lost their home or their livelihood? If not, then let us sit down and think about this."

Once you think about it, you will see that nothing has changed, only your perception of it. Everything that was, still is and will be tomorrow.

I am reading in your post an underlying accusation of infidelity. Given what you have told us and your grandfather's reaction to your father, I think that there is a very good chance that your grandmother had been raped. That is not your grandmother's fault, nor your grandfather's. There is hardly a family in the world in which it has not occurred. You have been unlucky to possibly discover it.

These situations are always troubling and can play on a mind for years.  I truly hope that you are able to make peace with your ancestors.

Regards

Chas

[groom]

Arab father either didn't know or didn't acknowledge that my dad wasn't his son.

Surely that sums it up, if he knew he accepted your father and brought him up as his son. To change your name to that of a total stranger would be very disrespectful to him. Is your father still alive -if so the decision is his, not yours.

As has been said, a lot of families use names that are not their real biological name. I discovered that my brother in law's great grandfather took the name of his step grandfather who brought him up, so no real connection at all apart from love and care. So from there down all the descendants have the wrong name, but no one minds.

Take a step back and ask yourself, who was the true father - the biological one, who obviously wasn't around for long, or the man who raised and loved your father?

[Lisajb]

My husband had one name at birth ( should have had another- his mum's original name), could have another (his unknown fathers name), acquired another when a mistake was made at school, and finally made things official by changing his surname by deed poll to the "mistake" name. I got that name by marrying him, and our children have it. And hubby isn't bothered at all. He's who he is and a name change isn't going to change that.

[dflaucho]

You and thousands of others will has mis-attributed paternity in the family line.
I feel you are over-reacting..

Thanks to everyone for responding. Yes, I guess it is overreacting. Its been really a rather overwhelming turn of events - learning all of this.   Particularly because of context of our experience growing up. Our father resented his seven children (as, most likely, his father had). This revelation is healing in that it gives us some kind of explanation for his disdain, cruelty and actions, and the resulting psychological train wreck of a family. This discovery allows a tiny opening or pretext toward forgiveness.  His father, who "raised" him and who I was named after, barely acknowledged us.  Nevertheless I latched on to his ethnicity and culture, only to find we aren't even related.

[dflaucho]

How sure are you that the man found via DNA is the "natural" father?

Who took the DNA test? You, or your father?

Which DNA test did you/he take?

Keep in mind that errors can be made - it is not foolproof. Have you tested any of your father's siblings to see if any of them are also illegitimate?

Regarding changing your surname, are you asking for our opinions? I think that would be too difficult - and it is only a surname. Changing that won't change who you are.

Whenever you require ID you you may need proof of change of surname, so your given surname may not be wiped from your family history. Do you know the circumstances of the illegitimacy? I know of a case where the potential father left when he found out the woman was pregnant. In a scenario like abandonment, the child may not wish to take the surname of a man of that kind of character?

PS. Welcome to rootschat.

Thanks for your response. Yes, changing name is drastic. I'm just overwhelmed and confused, I guess.  Lots of processing to do. Bottom line: its more of a existential issue. 

The family seems to have a lot of integrity and accomplishments.  My grandmother, apparently, was a bit of a "free spirit" and enjoyed parties and dancing.  From what I have gathered from nieces and nephews, the men that are most likely my dad's bio father, were cultured and educated.

I hope I didn't upset that family. Its been a roller coaster of the unexpected. This DNA business is opening up lots of closets. Its not all fun and games!