Found father through AncestryDNA, if/how to approach DNA match and family?

[amon000]

Hello all, I have now sent an email, while trying to put myself in my DNA match's shoes.  It is a really difficult thing to write but as I was typing it up I thought that it could be my only shot, so got it all down.

Dorrie - reading your post echoes what a friend of mine said to me this evening: that life is too short to hang about wondering 'what if?'... I am so sorry about what happened in your case.  It sounds as though you made quite a sacrifice in taking a step back - I certainly am not banking on becoming a part of their family or anything, but then our circumstances are different as you say.  It sounds as though it can get very complicated indeed though, regardless.

So I am at the fingers crossed stage now, but thank you for all your good wishes for a positive outcome.  I'll be in touch with an update soon I hope.

Many thanks again.

[UKWoman]

Hi, I found my birth father who was American, I always had his name but he denied it at the time the adoption records said. However the Ancestry DNA test proved it was he who fathered me. He is now dead.  I have four half sisters over in America.

Thing is, he married someone soon after I was born (here in the UK where he was stationed) and she is now his widow living in America... I have no wish to upset her and wonder if I should get in touch with my sisters or not. As time is getting on, we are getting no younger, I am in my 60s and so are they. I would love to make contact with one or more of them, but don't want their mother to find out in case it causes problems with her as I don't feel I have the right to do that.

She either knew about me or she didnt' - if she did, she won't want reminding and if she didn't, then it would be a big shock to someone in her 80s.

Or should I contact my sisters and leave it to them, whether they tell her or not? I am in the UK... I only want to make contact with my birth family - I am not after anything other than that. They may well reject me and not believe me, even with the Ancestry DNA linking me directly to that family but what should I do... contact them or not and hope they don't tell his widow and upset her? PS My birth mother is dead but I am already in contact with my birth family here in England (My birth mother's relatives).

[davidft]

However the Ancestry DNA test proved it was he who fathered me.

Actually no it didn't, and the more reputable companies state this in their small print.

Ancestry autosomal tests do not prove paternity and cannot be used in courts to establish paternity. The best they can do is give a possible indication which is what you have. To prove it you would have to have a proper DNA paternity test done and they could always throw up a surprise result!.

[UKWoman]

Actually yes it did.

I knew the name of my birth father and had already traced his family tree before getting my results back. The ancestry result came back saying I was related to a certain person who was an ancestor of his, in that tree.  So quite a coincidence I would think!  To me, it proves that he was in fact my father, who had been named by my mother as the man responsible.  If I had not done any research on my putative father or didn't have his name, then I would agree with you it could be a long shot.  But not under these circumstances.  It is next to impossible for Ancestry to tell me I am descended from someone who happens to be in the family tree of the person whom my mother named as my father. Coincidences don't come up like that without reason. Thanks for your reply though... I do know it would not stand up in court, as no doctors were present at the test but I don't worry about that.

[dowdstree]

Welcome to Rootschat UKWoman.

If I were in your position I would initially send an email to your sisters without disclosing the relationship. Something along the lines of Ancestry DNA has shown a match and see if you get a reply and you can then take it slowly from there. You have all the evidence to back up the DNA findings. As you say you may be rejected but at least you will know you tried to make contact with your father's family.

I know nothing really about the complexities of DNA results never having taken the test but I do know the value of having concrete evidence to back up my findings.

Others may disagree with me but this is my personal point of view.

May I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that you get a positive outcome.

Dorrie

[UKWoman]

Many thanks Dorrie.

I appreciate your post and your advice; I guess it is up to my sisters whether they involve their mother or not.  As I am on Ancestry, there is a cousin there also, (my father's cousin) so it may be that she will spot me in her matches anyway and get in touch with ME! Who knows.... the only thing holding me back is whether or not my father's widow would hear of it and be distressed.  I really don't want to cause any upset.  But I do need to get in touch with my half sisters just in case they might be interested.  I received a wonderful welcome from my birth mother's family (she is now dead and died before I found them unfortunately)... but my American half needs attention now! LOL!

[davidft]

What I wrote is factually correct whether you like it or not. It does not help if people make false claims in their very first post and then argue about them in their second post and then in their third post blame the person who corrected their incorrect assertions.

[dowdstree]

I don't think that davidt is meaning to be offensive to you just the wording comes over that way - quite blunt and to the point. He is looking at the situation from a purely DNA point of view.

I appreciate that you do not want to upset your father's widow. Perhaps if you contacted your father's cousin first that could be a starting point. You know the relationship but the cousin may not have a clue as to who you are and think it is not worth contacting you.

Ignore the negative and concentrate on the positive.

Dorrie

[sugarfizzle]

Another one who finds davidft's approach less than sympathetic. It's the way in which you try to correct people, davidft, which offends, and your wording comes across as very condescending at times - even when you state what is technically correct, there are ways of doing it which are more sympathetic.

Welcome to Rootschat, UKWoman, we are generally a friendly bunch of people. My advice is to go for it. Your DNA test apparently indcates a very close relationship with your 'cousin'.  Not sure from your original post, have any of your presumed half sisters tested as well?

Back to the original post - have you had any luck, amon000?

Regards Margaret