The stress is too much and i see no light at the end of the tunnel

[Jomot]

I too offer my sincere condolences. For someone to cause additional upset at such a difficult time is inexcusable.

I do hope that explaining yours & your mothers wishes is enough to deter this person, but if not it will be very difficult for them to scatter ashes into the grave unobtrusively unless they are carrying them loose in their pocket, which is unlikely. 

At my mother's burial the cemetery workers were stood a respectful distance away but still close by, so you could perhaps notify the cemetery in advance and ask them to quietly step in front of anyone who tries to open a bag, jar, box etc near the graveside.  Not ideal, I know, but better than you or a family member having to deal with it.

if your fathers grave is then covered immediately after the service, which I believe is normal, this would remove any opportunity to add anything after the service.

But if the very worst happens and the ashes are scattered, remember that they will not remain there.  Wind, rain and nature will take care of that, and it will be your mother, and only your mother, who will rest by your father when the time comes.

[Ruskie]

But if the very worst happens and the ashes are scattered, remember that they will not remain there.  Wind, rain and nature will take care of that, and it will be your mother, and only your mother, who will rest by your father when the time comes.

Nicely said Jomot.

I wonder if there is anything you could throw on top if the ashes if this person was to manage to scatter the ashes? Something to "destroy" the ashes? (Destroy is far too strong a word, and not what I mean, but I can't think of an appropriate word I'm sorry). I don't know - lime or something? Though that may not be appropriate.  If all else fails, perhaps the threat of doing so might stop this person ....

[mirl]

Condolences on the passing of your father.

As others have said, you might be able to prevent it as the funeral occurs, but once it's over there may be no stopping it from happening.  The only legal way I can see is for a court order, but that takes time and money.

Only a face to face discussion can get to the point of you understanding why they want to do this and them understanding why you don't want it to happen.  Barring court action, you need to meet to talk it out.

How about suggesting a space adjacent to the grave if the cemetery people will allow it, perhaps where a headstone or plaque might go.

Good luck.

[groom]

The bit that seems odd to me is the mention of scattering SOME of her father's ashes, almost as if she is spreading him around at different burials! In a way I could understand it more if she, for some reason wanted all of the ashes, or the urn, buried with him.

As it is a burial, you could always ask family members or friends to remain by the grave while it is filled in. Then if she does scatter the ashes it will only be on top, and as Jomot said, they won't stay there long.

[Viktoria]

If you spoke to the person who is upsetting you and said--which I am sure is the truth--that your father did not leave any instructions in his will about this , so you can be sure it was not something  that had  occurred to him especially given what you have told us about the arrangements already in place.You can safely conclude that  he did not want it.
If he has not left a will he would have at least mentioned it had he been aware
of their intentions. You are going to do what you feel he would have wanted which is what your Mum has    been settled to  as  you have explained to us.
You are not lying ,and you can add weight to your argument by saying what you have explained to  us the  plans      all in hand so your Mum  and Dad ,only they should be in those graves   when her time comes.
Do it for your Dad  and Mum.It is for eternity .Viktoria.

[dawnsh]

Could I suggest we stop posting as TTBE hasn't been online here since 02:17 yesterday and won't have seen any of our replies and suggestions.

Let's wait for their return before posting again.

[to the bitter end]

Dear All,
 
 Thank you for your words of support and help in this stressful matter, the Vicar is fully aware of the situation and so are several people who will be attending the burial, the Vicar will state in the church quite clearly that nothing will be placed within the burial apart from a rose from my mum, and again at the grave side the same will be stated clearly again, needless to say eyes will be upon her and any and all action will be taken against this family member......

 What I do know after research is it's against the law to do what she wants to do with the ashes without the correct legal documentation AND my consent due to me been the soul 'deeds' holder for the plot. I will also have a calm word with this person very soon, and sadly your right she could come back any day after to do what she as asked to do, Unless caught I can do nothing and I will have to put that thought out of my head or I will go insane, I may come back and let you all now how the funeral went (if thats allowed).

 Again i would like to say a big thank you to all.....


T.T.B.E

[lydiaann]

We would love to know how it goes and I for one wish you comfort in the presence of your family - apart from She Who Must be Watched - during the funeral/committal.  This too shall pass and soon you'll be able to look back on your dad's life and smile at the wonderful memories. 

[groom]

I'm glad that things are starting to look more hopeful - she would have to be very brazen to go ahead with her plans on that day. As we've said, if she does decide to return to scatter the ashes, they will only be on the surface as it must be illegal to disturb a grave.

I hope that all goes well on the day, please do let us know.