The stress is too much and i see no light at the end of the tunnel

[to the bitter end]

Dear all,
 I have a terrible concern relating to my fathers funeral which is very soon it is so bad for me i am making my self ill over the worry of this action, My mother stated that a person in our family (not immediate family) wishes to scatter some of her fathers ashes in to the grave  when my fathers funeral is taking place, I have bluntly refused permission for this BUT i know the family member will try there best to do it anyway on the day and within the burial or shortly after, I am the soul named person on the grave deeds if this has any weight in stopping her legally, I know my mum does not want this to happen either as she has paid for a double plot for her and her only to rest by the side of my father when her time comes..... can anyone help please I'm sick of feeling this way

 Kindest regards

T.T.B.E.

[jaybelnz]

Firstly, sincere condolences on the passing of your Father.

I would strongly advise that you talk to the funeral director, and possibly your lawyer, as soon as you can. I'm sure you will be able to arrange something with them to prevent this person doing what she wants to. Especially if you feel that she's going to do it some way or another, during or after the funeral! 

 It's certainly not a nice thing to be happening, particularly as its expressly against your Mother's wishes, and since you are the sole person named on the grave deeds - that could carry some legal weight!

I hope and trust that you can get something sorted quickly, it's hard enough having to bury your father, let alone have this sort of thing being carried out by another family member!

Kind regards and fingers crossed for you

Jeanne 😀

[larkspur]

Very sorry for the loss of your father.Having lost my own I know what a difficult time this is for you.

If the person is not of your immediate family, as you say. I would write them a polite letter saying they are not welcome at your fathers funeral, at the end of the day your fathers immediate family are far more important at a sad time like this. There are enough stresses at a funeral without someone rocking the boat. Maybe you could suggest she scatters her fathers ashes somewhere he loved.

Very best wishes.

[dawnsh]

Hi TTBE

You should have a conversation with the cemetery office where your father's funeral is taking place and alert them to this situation and also the officiant, I don't know whether this will be a priest, vicar or celebrant. But apart from asking the person not to attend as their presence would cause more upset at an already difficult time, there isn't much you can do.

During burials, the officiant will invite people around the grave to come forwards to pay their final respects and at this point flowers can be put into the grave along with the coffin. This would give the person mentioned the opportunity to do what you do not wish to happen.

There is also the possibility that after the family have left the burial, the person mentioned remains behind or comes back another time and puts ashes on top of the plot after it has been filled in. Unfortunately, once the cemetery gates are open, the staff there can't monitor every plot and you can't sit there day in and out to watch either.

I hope our replies have helped you to deal with this a bit better, a problem shared is a problem halved so they say, and by mentioning your problem to a group of unrelated people this might help you in some way and give you some ideas as to how to move forward.

[whiteout7]

I am very sorry that your mother and yourself are being put through this distress during your recent loss.

I would point blank refuse this persons request.

However if they do sneak back and do this after the funeral I think you both need to consider the old saying 'let go or be dragged'.

I really do wish we could all arrange the world acccording our desires but the reality is different.

We had some disputes at a funeral with step family/extended family but we muddled through and all made our peace on the day.

[lydiaann]

See a solicitor immediately - I am sure you would be able to get an immediate injunction against the person concerned.  Whatever their perceived reasons, this is not an appropriate action for them to take and your solicitor must be able to prevent it.  This is such an awful thing to be happening to you at such a bad time when you and your mother are at your most vulnerable and I sympathise deeply with you and your immediate family.

[Viktoria]

I too send my sincere condolences.
The day of the funeral is for the late person`s immediate family and no one has any right to  put them under any more stress than they are already suffering.
You should be able to remember the day as it went for you not someone else.
A sad day but one where last wishes, family memories etc  ought to be   as positive as possible.
Refuse, make sure you know the legalities, speak to the person and make your wishes known, yours take precedence over theirs.
Having lost my husband quite recently I can tell you , the right music, lovely eulogy and good company after a that a funeral where all went to plan is   a great comfort in the lonely times ahead.
You`ll regret it if you are not assertive.
I wonder if there is a law forbidding the scattering of ashes when that has not been legally
sanctioned.
I am truly sorry you have this added upset.I`ve never heard of such an insensitive crass thing in my life. Viktoria.

[groom]

I also offer my condolences. What a very strange thing for the person to want to do - scatter some of her father's ashes into another person's grave, has she given you a valid reason as to why she wants to do this? I think you need to take legal advice as well as informing the undertaker and cemetery officials. They may have security who can be on hand if necessary.

[Ruskie]

Welcome to rootschat TTBE, and it is a shame that your first post is at such a sad time.

You have already had some excellent advice, but my first thought was the same as groom's - why on earth would this person want to do that? It seems to make no sense.

This may sound a bit odd, but is there any way you can get some people on side to tell this person that the funeral has been postponed for a day or two so they don't even show up?

Can you be forceful and offer an uiltimatum? Eg if you do this then, X will happen?

And lastly, but probably the first thing you should try is, have you personally asked this person calmly and logically in a reasonable manner, not do do this? Say it is not your, your mother or your father's wishes? Surely they will understand?