Not Sure How I Feel About This...

[Lisajj]

So, a few weeks ago, my uncle was contacted by an adoption agency regarding a possible sibling. Turns out that I now have another half uncle. "oh how nice" some of you may say, but I don't know how I really feel. This uncle was adopted at birth and has decided to wait until he's in his 70's to find us. I don't blame him in the slightest. When my grandmother died 8 years ago, at the time I said I was sure there would be more half siblings crawl out from somewhere. Little did I know I would be right!
Has anyone else gone through this? I'm sort of excited but disappointed at the same time, and whoever has done the official research seems to think there are more - which wouldn't surprise me. Said new uncle is going to ring me tomorrow night and send me a copy of the research to verify.
Advice anyone?

[groom]

I presume this new uncle is one of your parent's siblings? I know it must have been a shock for you, but how does your uncle, this new uncle's half brother, feel about it? I think you need to take your lead from him, after all he is closely related and if he is happy, be happy for him.

I'm not sure what you are disappointed about - the fact he left it so long, perhaps he had his reasons, adopted parents alive at first etc.

[Jomot]

After reading your post I've tried imagining how I would feel if a half-sibling of one of my parents suddenly materialised, and being totally honest I don't know how I'd feel either, but I also cant help but put myself in the 'new' uncle's shoes too. 

Has he wondered about his 'other' family all these years? Perhaps he's been afraid of rejection & possibly still is?  Perhaps he was never told he was adopted but always suspected it and it's taken this long to pluck up the courage?  Whatever his reasons he's the one entering an established group, which must be scary for anyone, especially if the starting point is having to prove he 'belongs'.  The one thing you do know is that he didn't ask to be adopted, so for now perhaps its worth putting your own uncertainties aside and welcoming him.

Good luck, I hope it goes well.

[Cell]

So, a few weeks ago, my uncle was contacted by an adoption agency regarding a possible sibling. Turns out that I now have another half uncle. "oh how nice" some of you may say, but I don't know how I really feel. This uncle was adopted at birth and has decided to wait until he's in his 70's to find us. I don't blame him in the slightest. When my grandmother died 8 years ago, at the time I said I was sure there would be more half siblings crawl out from somewhere. Little did I know I would be right!
Has anyone else gone through this? I'm sort of excited but disappointed at the same time, and whoever has done the official research seems to think there are more - which wouldn't surprise me. Said new uncle is going to ring me tomorrow night and send me a copy of the research to verify.
Advice anyone?

Hi Lisajj,
like Jomot I tried imagining if it was one of my parents siblings, half or otherwise. I think in that position if  I'm totally honest, I would feel really disappointed with my grandparent(s). It really would shatter my cosy illusions about them (I was very close to  my grandparents), and I would maybe even feel a little angry towards the  grandparent. I'd also have so many unanswered questions,  why, and why.

I certainly would not feel disappointed with the new said uncle as none of it is his fault. I'd also presume he left it until now for reasons only known to himself - It could be he didn't want any contact with his biological parents, too painful,  it could be( like previously mentioned )he could have waited until his adoptive family had passed away, it could even be because it  is far easier to find people now than it was say 20 years ago. It could  even be possible that he was waiting for one of his biological family to make the first move and  contact him, but they didn't.

I think I'd feel both excited and very, very nervous  to meet the uncle( but imagine how he is feeling - He must be far more nervous.)

I hope all goes really well for you both, there must be lots of unanswered questions that you both need to talk about. We are not responsible for our ancestors doings, only our own actions.
Good luck:)

[Lisajj]

As I said, I don't blame him. In fact, I don't blame anyone. I think it's great that he's finally got in touch. But my emotions don't match up with my thoughts! I think I probably feel sad for my grandmother, and wish I could understand what she went through. My grandmother must have had a 'colourful' life before I was born! I loved her to bits, and all her past (good or bad) made her the person that I knew, and I wouldn't want to change that. I just wish that I could pin point my feelings! It must be even more weird for my mother and other uncle.
Thanks for you thoughts, much appreciated.

[Ruskie]

Unsure if this may be the reason, or part of it, for your feelings, but I think when we know our parents and grandparents they are older, and we often admire and respect them for being older and wiser, however they had lives before we were born, and made mistakes of course.

I think we are generally not happy to know about their mistakes especially if they were related to issues of illegitimacy. Though it is virtually meaningless today, we know that in the times of our parents, grandparents and great grandparents etc, it was a big deal and anyone who was illegitimate or who gave birth out of wedlock was often ostracised.

I think this is in the back of our minds even today, and some don't like to accept the failings (as it was seen at the time) of our closer ancestors.

Good luck anyway, and I hope your half uncle is a lovely man and that you all get on really well.

[Rishile]

I have had experience of this from the other side.  I found my half-brother who has two sons.  It is a strange experience suddenly having two grown-up nephews who really don't know what to call you.  'Auntie' seems too strange but first names are equally slightly taboo. 

I found all the emotions were very strange and took some getting used to.  It's taken two years to really feel like a family group because everyone took it very, very, slowly.  It was definitely the best way. 

I would say go along with the meetings and just accept that he is probably feeling anxious too.  Everyone will be emotional - just accept it and see how it goes.

Good luck
Rishile

[KGarrad]

When I started on my Family History, pre-Internet days, one of my first "big" finds was that my grandfather had 3 wives; not just the 2 I knew about!

He divorced his 2nd wife in order to marry my grandmother.

But the thing was, there were children born to this 2nd marriage that we knew nothing about!

I made contact with this part of the family - but my father's response really threw me. "What do they want; we haven't got any money!" was his thought
I couldn't understand why he wasn't as excited as I was?

Anyway, in order to respect my father's feelings, I let things drop.

Now, in hindsight, I wish I had kept in contact.


I would say just go with the flow; if your mother and your uncle are happy, be happy for them and with them.

[Skoosh]

This uncle could be absolutely minted. Hang in there sunshine!   

Skoosh.