sometimes finding things is not so good

[iluleah]

I suppose people have their own agenda for deliberately lying and I suppose find they can't back down once it's been going for so long. I think I'd have a bit of fun with folders as well. What about putting some lists to do of things you want to sort out. Sign them off as completed (whether done or not) but don't put the info in there.

Like it

I have to say I gave up worrying about her behaviour and 'attitude' a long time ago.

[suey]

 

What annoys me is that my cousin has now started to research and my mum tells him to ask me, my cousin holds ALL the photographs and family documents and pretends he doesn't, he will let me see nothing at all and shares nothing,

What the dickens is that all about    how mean can you be!....There's nothing quite so peculiar as family.



 

[weste]

I'm still trying to find a photo of paternal side grandfather. I know some of the children of the older members of the family must have. Dad's and his brothers have all died and I bet there's people who have the photos and don't know who  they are. Had gran kids of an aunt  contact via ancestry. Gave them a good start on the family history but no Certs and have  2 marriage Certs since which the one aunt 's grand children would probably like but they ain't having  . They could at least have  sent one photo of their family  some info ! Not usually so mean but decided  they need to share as well, downloaded info off my tree etc which I would have given permission anyway. So made it private so they need to ask! So I'm having fun. Sometimes strangers are more generous. That way I don't bother about their attitude and behaviour!

[iluleah]

 

What annoys me is that my cousin has now started to research and my mum tells him to ask me, my cousin holds ALL the photographs and family documents and pretends he doesn't, he will let me see nothing at all and shares nothing,

What the dickens is that all about    how mean can you be!....There's nothing quite so peculiar as family.

You can't choose your family, mine unfortunately are magpies ...as children we used to play in the huge attic and there were chests in there which we used to open, full of scrolls, letters, books etc and being children we played with them, me being the oldest got into trouble while he stood behind me as little innocent and being led by me (he wasn't innocent or led) "Old family papers, deeds, photos and history" is what I remember being said and even on reading some bits of them I remember names I am looking at now in my ancestry.....guess whose house that is now, my cousins so I know he has them.

[Jaxyfone]

My father in law was illegitimate and spent the first three years of his life - so we believe - in an institution. He was taken out of there when his mother married - again, we believe - his stepfather (who may have been his natural father - who knows?!). For some reason Dad was always called after his step-granddad and never learned his real name until he missed his initial WW2 call-up. He could barely read and because his call-up papers didn't show the name he recognised as his 'own', he naturally ignored them. Fortunately his mother put him right and the army were understanding enough to give him a second chance without it affecting his record.

We're still struggling to find out anything about him, though. He had a pretty rotten childhood by all accounts and would never talk about his family or his past up until he joined the army (he loved the army). I have his mother's/stepfather's marriage certificate, which names her father, but I simply cannot find the man at all, whatever version of the surname I use or however broadly I search. Both witnesses at the wedding were the husband's family. I can't even find her in the two census' that took place before her marriage.

What my husband thinks, on reflection, is that his nana had a somewhat broad concept of 'truth', maybe giving out names that weren't hers or even her family's (or maybe she felt ashamed,  although the family were a long way below 'respectable middle class', if you know what I mean) . There are cousins whom we plan to ask, but we somehow doubt we're going to get very much further. 

[LizzieW]

I don't think our parents, grandparents etc. deliberately lied to us when we were children, it was more a case of "You don't need to know."  Interestingly, my younger brother (now deceased from a brain tumour sadly) was 12 years younger than me yet he was told family "secrets" that I hadn't been told as a child, obviously as the years went on there was less of a need to keep things quiet.

Mind you I did the same thing. As many Rootschatters will know I had an illegitimate baby girl in 1960 who I was forced to have adopted "so that no-one (for that read neighbours, friends and relations) will know" and I never told anyone until in 2005 I received a letter from her - she had traced me.  Then I had to tell my husband and children, fortunately all was well but when I showed my mother photos and told her we'd been to meet my daughter, she then told me that she'd told one of her sisters, who no doubt told at least one other and so my older cousins would also have known - so what was the point in making me give up my baby?

[Viktoria]

 I used to live with some lovely people who were very kind to me.
I decided I`d look them up on ancestry, as one of  their names--double barrelled_ may have meant they were actually distant relatives which would have been lovely. I was very fond of them.
What I found was the chap ( who by now had died) had been adopted, but nothing had ever been mentioned of this. There was actually no reason for it to be mentioned to me.
By coincidence they had adopted a boy, illegitimate, when after some years of marriage there were still no children. You know what happened next----yes their own baby girl  was on the way.
I felt like a voyeur, I`d no idea and what is more had no idea if the children, both adopted and natural knew. If not it was not for me to inform them. Their mother has also died  by now and so perhaps the  surviving daughter will never know. Does it matter ? Well not really I suppose but the daughter was  treated very badly as her brother ( the adopted son) had not left a will  when he died  and despite him having  inherited  part of his "father`s" estate and half his "mother`s" estate his "sister " got nothing. This was mainly because he had been adopted very informally before it was legal to do it properly.
 The sister, however said :-" It does not matter, I`m not contesting it as nothing changes the fact that he was my brother".How lovely. I told you they were lovely people.
 I apologise for the inverted commas, they were just to make clear the relationship. I was not minimising the close ties .
Needless to say this info stays with me.They may be connected but by the adoption the link is lost.
 One of the double names may have been the chap`s mother`s maiden or married  name --I don`t know. But no info so it ends there. I can`t make the connecton with my distant family.
 I`ll never say, what is the point, it will alter nothing.He was a good man and a lovely dad and being adopted does not change any of that. His daughter would say;- "Nothing changes the fact that he was my dad". And that`s right. Viktoria.
 

[iluleah]

I don't think our parents, grandparents etc. deliberately lied to us when we were children, it was more a case of "You don't need to know." .....................

I think you are right in many cases, I know my grandmother deliberately lied, she could have said she didn't know, or could have evaded the question, which she did at first then she lied even when faced with me asking directly who a person named on a tombstone in the village grave yard was, she knew who her father in law was, she deliberately lied to stop me finding information.

My mother doesn't lie she just refuses to tell ( me) ANYTHING and then when I USED TO tell her " I found this or that" she says " Oh I know" Asking her why she didn't tell me, she shrugs and goes silent, she is or I should say was hiding things she was ashamed of as well as her being on her own little "power trip". I should be used to it I have had it all my life.

Mind you I did the same thing. As many Rootschatters will know I had an illegitimate baby girl in 1960 who I was forced to have adopted "so that no-one (for that read neighbours, friends and relations) will know" and I never told anyone until in 2005 I received a letter from her - she had traced me.  Then I had to tell my husband and children, fortunately all was well but when I showed my mother photos and told her we'd been to meet my daughter, she then told me that she'd told one of her sisters, who no doubt told at least one other and so my older cousins would also have known - so what was the point in making me give up my baby?

I didn't know Lizzie and have to say I think you are brave in saying. How lovely for you that you were able to get in touch again with your daughter.
I often wonder why the people who are our family who supposed to love and care for us take/make decisions and act in ways that can only destroy part of us as an individual.
I spent my childhood trying to be good, trying to 'please' trying never to get into trouble or cause any trouble as I was 'told' I had killed a baby brother/sister but couldn't remember doing it, I would have been 3 yrs old or so. When I was young and growing up it answered lots of question in my mind why my parents had no time for me,why there was never any hugs but they allowed me to live in the house. Years later it was only when my own daughter was expecting her first child and she has a rare blood group ( same as my mum)  and she came from a hospital appointment to tell me that when she has the baby they have to give her an injection (Rh-immune globulin vaccine)or her body could 'reject' another pregnancy, it was only then the penny dropped and I realised that is what would have happened with my mum and me being very young and being told " It was my fault the expected baby died" I took it as I have killed the baby. So I even held a secret ( until right now) I thought I was a murderer and only because of miscommunication.

[Finley 1]

The words 'pale into insignificance' come to mind, when I think of MY sadness over the last few days. (regarding the personal findings in my life)

Bless you all for being so open and honest on this post. 

It shows that we never know how things are with the people around us.

Please take good care all of you.  xxxx

xin