How not to cry at a funeral???

[MonicaL]

We spend such a long time researching BMDs in a past tense, but when they are real like a death and a funeral, how do we react?

My lovely neighbour, of sixteen years, has died following a long battle with cancer. I have been asked by her family to do the main reading at her funeral next Thursday. I have been asked to find the reading (which I have, a lovely poem for sure which is one of my favourites and perfect) but I read it now and howl...how will I cope on Thursday when I am standing up and reading this? I don't want to let her family or her down 

All advice welcome!

Monica 

[CaroleW]

Hi Monica

No easy answer I'm afraid.  I have been to a lot of funerals lately - 6 in the past 7mths and have been amazed at how people have handled this type of request.

From readings/poems to personal eulogies, apart from a "gulp" in the middle of the odd one or two, nobody has broken down.  That includes immediate family members who must find it harder than others.

I think when you are practicing in the privacy of your own home - it's very easy to become emotional, but I think you will surprise yourself on Thursday at the actual event and handle it differently
 

[Churchie]

Hi Monica, I think Carole is right.

At funerals I always cry more than anyone else, even if I barely knew the person - I can't help crying when someone else does, which can be really embarrassing.
When my  father died, even though there was so much I wanted to say, I refused to speak at the funeral service as I couldn't stop sobbing.
Both my siblings spoke, and as the service was about to conclude, I realised I had to get up and speak for him, as if I didn't I would always regret it, and there was so much I wanted to say.
Once I got behind the microphone I was absolutely fine, so relieved to be able to do it, and so proud of him, and of myself.
I don't think it matters anyway if you do show emotion - you're human, and you care.
All the best, and a few deep breaths!
Caroline.

[pinefamily]

Monica,
All I can offer is to be brave, and focus on what you are reading. Take the time as you take a breath to look around the room, without actually looking AT anyone. This technique is useful for any public speaking, but especially so for such a sad occasion.
I have had to do two eulogies in my time. My grandmother's was a little easier, if that's possible, as she was 97, and had been in an hospice for some time. The upsetting thing for me was that none of her children, my older brother, and my older cousins would get up and speak. I thought this was terrible, so I offered to do it.
My mother-in-law passed away suddenly last year, and once again family members all shied away from speaking. I thought it appropriate to do it myself, as I actually worked with her before she became my mother-in-law, so I had a unique perspective. Unlike my grandmother's eulogy, I could not find the right words to write, so on the day I simply stood up and spoke from the heart. I think this helped me get through it as well.
Whatever you do, good luck in what is a difficult task.

Darren

[Croquetplayer]

Hi Monica,

Its a tough subject. I know that you specified poem reading but perhaps my experience can help a bit.

When my bro died I spoke at his funeral. His death came hard to me as we were best friends as well as siblings.  I cried buckets for months afterwards.

He had struggled 2 years with cancer treatments and his death was a release from that.

I tried to concentrate on the thought that he was free from the suffering he went through.

I wrote and rewrote my little speech trying to talk of funny incidents that showed his personality in a good light, and I found a song he loved and read the words.  Not a sad song - because he wasn't a sad person.

His grieving teenagers and wife were sitting directly in front of me when I got up to speak.

Suddenly I found myself speaking straight to them.

I read my script as I knew what I wanted to say exactly, and didn't want to leave anything out from nerves.

My grieving audience were actually laughing and remembering the "good old days" of his childhood and early adulthood.
The tone of the service was changed and it became more a celebration of his life with others wanting to come up the front and tell a story about him as well.

At the wake we laughed and joked about those things unique to him personally. Sad hearts were lifted up instead of being saddened.
There is plenty of time for that in the coming months, as we all know.

Maybe you know some funny or unique little incidents from the workplace that her family have never heard which show your friend in a special way. You might be able to include one with your poem.

I also, like the others responding here, believe it is better to cry in the middle of it, if that's what your heart wants.
She is someone you all loved and will miss.  Tears fall copiously at funerals because the realization sets in that its a forever goodbye.

At my aunties funeral they played Time to say Goodbye. A beautiful song, but now, regardless of where I am (supermarket, car, restaurant) I burst into tears, when I hear it.

I know this is a funny little thing to put at the end, but sometimes if I take a Panadol tablet before something difficult, it calms me down a bit. A little trick my Dad taught me.

I hope it all goes well.

[Deb D]

I do wish you well with this difficult task.  My husband is, sadly, one who leaps to speak at these things, and always manages to get tearful ... we can tell it's going to happen when he starts doing "The Lip Thing" ... with the result that his family now specifically ask him to remain seated!

I agree with the Panadol suggestion (hint; never do anything stressful like this on an empty stomach, either!), and the idea of mentioning funny things you remember, ... because I personally believe a funeral should be a celebration of the person's life, and not a wallowing.

[KGarrad]

I agree with Deb - try to turn the funeral into a celebration of the person's life.
Remember the good times, and the funny times - remember them with joy in your heart.

Anytime somebody dies, it is a sad occassion, but try to remember the person that they were.

Hope this helps.

[LoneyBones]

Hi Monica,
public speaking is always difficult but a eulogy is the most dificult.
As I'm a migrain suferer I always have valium on hand, that helps by taking the edge off of emotions. (a stiff drink might work as well.)
Read your poem and have a darn good cry NOW. Then at the time concentrait on something else.
The only time I had to speak at a funeral was for a dear friend who had been ill for such a short time that her death was still quiet unreal. But I took my time when I got to the podium, looked about the chapel for a focal point, and noticed there was small gap at the top of one of the back doors where sunlight was coming in. I didn't see it as some sort of sign or anything, just that the gap was there and maybe the door was crooked or poorly hung. Having something mundane to look at when I started to feel teary helped a great deal. Just take it slowly and stop to take a big breath when you need it. But don't be afraid, everyone else is feeling the same emotions and will give you strength.
Best wishes,
Leonie.

[MonicaL]

Thank you all so much for all the heartfelt comments, experiences and advice.

I will take all of your advice (the practice, the breathing, the not so empty tummy and perhaps some valium - if I can find some!).

I have been going into her home twice a day, feeding her cat who is very confused by life and howling for ever, for the last 5 weeks - she was at our local hospice for three weeks before her death. Her presence is all around so still feel very much as if she is 'in the next room' of her house.

Her sons are taking the cat to a cat home today. Things will be easier from that I would imagine.

Thank you all again 

Monica