Moral dilemma

[dovecote]

Hi Folks,

What is the general consensus of opinion in asking a family member
for sensitive information in relation to one`s own family history?

A. Would you ask the question?
B. Would you give the answer ? (if known)

     Dovecote

[hugatree]

1 - I would ask the question but not react if declined
2 - I would give the answer in my will!

[dovecote]

 Interesting response to part B.

[aghadowey]

Without having any idea of the nature of the "sensitive information" it difficult to answer, especially since what bothers one person might not annoy another.

To give you some an example- a great aunt (very old-fashioned elderly spinster) was the 1st person to mention we are descended from the 1st prostitute in New Amsterdam (and I was only 12 when she died). However, she didn't like to talk about a 'shameful' episode in the family history (a Revolutionary soldier in a family of Loyalists appointed Governor of New Jersey by George Washington).

Over the years I have asked relatives various questions about illegitimate children, bigamous marriages, suicides and other tragic deaths, prison terms, etc. but it depends on the person. Equally I haven't discussed the same issues with other relatives as I was fairly certain they would be upset by the subject.

[Podenco]

I would ask the question as sensitively as possible, unless I knew it would really upset the person.
If I knew the answer to a sensitive question yes I would answer, the past is the past things that happened have happened and can not be changed.

Jill 

[peb21]

A. Would you ask the question?    Yes
B. Would you give the answer ? (if known)    Yes, but only if it doesn't cause any major fall out of family members.

When she was about 6o and after her mother had died, a cousin found out she was adopted by her father whilst going though her mums papers, her father said he didn't know who her biological father was.  The fathers name on her birth certificate has been left blank.  
She asked me to ask my mother-in-law (her mums sister as they were close) I did ask her, the reply was that she didn't know and was never told she only knew that he was a married man, she then changed the subject very quickly.(?)
The cousin on hearing this reply was very sad and disappointed and said she wished her mother had left her a letter, she said that she feels incomplete and cannot understand what a big secret it has to be.

[Cell]

Hi Folks,

What is the general consensus of opinion in asking a family member
for sensitive information in relation to one`s own family history?

A. Would you ask the question?
B. Would you give the answer ? (if known)

     Dovecote

Hi,
it's too broad a question. I don't understand the statement "family member" to "one's own Family".

so I'm m guessing the member is by marriage not by blood?

I don't actually understand the question.

 

[suey]

I have had a similar dilemma with my own family over several decades!  I did ask questions but was given no answers.  I have recently learned from a family member who has been, how shall we say, "on the sidelines" of the family for many years, that she/he "knows a lot more than we think". I'm now waiting for an opportune moment to ask the questions again.

So, I would say ask the question but be prepared for the answer whatever it may be.  And yes If I knew the answer I would give it, I have given very sensitive information to various family members over the last few years and all were pleased to have the truth finally in the open.

Good luck
Suey

[sallysmum]

When I started FH I found an elderly relative still living.  I wanted to know some things (not at all of a sensitive nature) but he didn't want to talk.  He was very nice but circumstances were poor - his wife had dementia and he was in a bad way - just waiting to die.  I decided to talk to him one last time - to ask for a small snippet (just what were my grandparents like).  I assured him that I wouldn't pester him again and wished him well.  He obliged and I let it rest.  He could have told me a lot of things but I respected his privacy - I found out a little about my grandparents which was a bonus.  Had I left the FH for another 10 years then he wouldn't have been around at all to tell a tale.  His right to privacy was more important than my curiosity and I wouldn't have been able to live with myself should I have upset him.

This may not be the path you take, just the one I chose.  Think of the impact your question will have on your rellie and how you will cope with that.  Of course we all get this wrong - we can't always second guess how another will react

sallysmum