1882 Funeral etiquette

[hiraeth]

I've recently come across a lengthy news article - coverage of a very distant cousin's funeral in 1882 Bangor.  He was a doctor of medicine named who died age 34.  According to the article not far short of 2500 people came to pay their respects.   He was unmarried and living with his mother and unmarried sisters in 1881 and I see his mother is still alive age 70 in 1891.  The names of all his sisters and brothers in law, an uncle and several cousins are listed, along with a lot of other mourners but nowhere does it appear to mention his mother - not even in the list of those who sent wreaths.  Perhaps it was simply because she didn't attend the actual burial but I find it a bit odd that there is no reference even to her existence!   Does anyone know if this would have been normal for the time? 

[ambers]

Hi Hiraeth,

I don't have the answer to your question, but have you looked for his Will to see if his mother is mentioned in it?

I have the same situation with my ggrandfather, only it's his wife that is not metioned with regards to being a mourner or sending a floral tribute, his mother was the chief mourner....most odd
His wife would have been about three months pregnant with their second child at the time of his death when he was 32.

She is not mentioned in his Will either, all siblings were left a memento and money to his mother. I have wondered if he had already given his wife the majority of his money as he knew his death was imminent, but it doesn't account for her not being at his funeral. Surely the Parish Council would not have allowed for his wife and children to be left destitute, this was in 1902.

I have since learned that no one from his family ever called on his wife or children in the years after his death, so surmise that there was some bad feeling within the family.

Ambers

[angelfish58]

There's some interesting info on Victorian funerals/mourning in Judith Flanders book The Victorian House. Apparently whether or not women attended funerals was a bit of a grey area etiquette wise   but it suggests that it wasn't unusual for a wife or mother not to attend.

[hiraeth]

Hi ambers  -  The will was proved by his mother Ann Ellis who was the sole executrix.  Estate was 1488 pounds. 

Hi angelfish58 - Thanks for the info from the Victorian House book.   Even the my mum was born in 1914 she was quite Victorian in her thinking.  She once told me that "only men should attend at funerals"    Perhaps there was some basis to her statement after all 

Heather
 

[mazwad]

I think in some areas of Wales the women never attended funerals.  I remember my sister in law never went to her baby sons funeral and that was in the 1960's.  She said it was not unusual as it is consided the mens chance to grieve away from the women.

[aghadowey]

Certainly in where I live in Northern Ireland it's only in the last 20 or so years that women would have attended the service at the graveside and it wasn't unusual for mourners (men only) to be listed as attending the funeral. The service would normally be held in the house, casket carried to the graveyard by the men and when they left the house the women would have made a cup of tea, set up tables and gotten the food ready- when the men came back a full meal would have been served to them, now it's usually a cup of tea and sandwiches, etc.

[hiraeth]

I've been doing some googling and came across a rootsweb thread re funerals in Scotland where the same custom of men only was in effect.  One theory is that there was a superstition that pregnant women should not attend a burial due to possible harm to the unborn.  Also that in earlier times when the coffin needed to be walked sometimes long distances to the cemetery the women stayed behind to prepare the food etc. 

[aghadowey]

Caskets are still carried some distance here. I was at a friend's funeral on Sunday and the casket was carried from the house, through town, to the church for a service. For aunt's funeral last year there was a service in the house and then we walked the mile to the graveyard.

[hiraeth]

Caskets are still carried some distance here. I was at a friend's funeral on Sunday and the casket was carried from the house, through town, to the church for a service. For aunt's funeral last year there was a service in the house and then we walked the mile to the graveyard.

Aw that sounds like a lovely sendoff for your friend.  Time for the mourners to think about the deceased and the significance of loss to the community.  Can't imagine they would even allow that to happen here in the city in Canada where death is very sanitized and low key - sort of out of sight and out of mind - if you know what I mean.