A bit shocked, Confused...and a bit hurt

[MurphysLaw]

Hello all!

I have been doing my research for about 6 moths now and although i had inclings of things i had never been able to confirm what I had suspected for a while until now... this is the story tell me what you think....

My grandfathers father died in prison when my grandfather was only 4 months old.
Upon his death his wife gathered up the children - she dumped two on my grandfathers grandparents (the dead mans folks) and she took one with her and fled.....

no one ever knew why she did that - however my grandfather grew up relatively happy in the care of his grandparents so allw as ok - however I know that he had a real hatred for his mum for soing what she did and never coming back to explain herself....

He had no contact with his older brother until one of my grandads aunts insitgated a meeting as she somehow had links all over the familymy grandads aunt was of course one of his grandparents children but she was more like a sister to him than an aunt!!!  (Sorry if this is confusing!)

- my grandad and his bro sort of became friends yet they looked nothing alike. My grandfather and his sister were like peas in a pod, tall slim and had straight hair but the older brother was short, cobby and had lots of curly hair. My mum met the older brother when she was a child and clearly remembers him looking nothing like the other two...she always suspected he had not been a 'full' brother.

Years pass and I am researching the tree- I get intouch with a family member of the woman who abandoned her babies and we get chatting. It turned out that the older brother infact did not share a father with the other two -so mum was right all along.....we were elated to get this confirmation and to know that she took him with her because he was not a child of the dead man.

I get further into my research and discover that my grandfathers mother went on to have 4 more children with another man..... one child being born in December 1927.....

My grandfather was born in April of 1927.

This means she literally fell pregnant by another man just after the birth of my grandad when my great grandad was imprisoned....

so she had 2 kids in one year by two different men......she must have been sleeping with the other guy right after giving birth to my gramps or, i hate to say, was sleeping with him while pregnant with my gramps as it was seen as 'safe'.

I feel horrid about this - the circumstances in which my great grandfather died were awful and he would have needed her support at this time but since finding out about the other man and the baby - i feel quite hurt by it all.
 I know that sounds silly because its not 'me' or about me but i feel let down that this woman could do such a thing at a time when her hubby needed her and she had literally just given birth to a baby..... i just cant comprehend it...

has any one else experienced this feeling of disappointment with a family member they never ever knew?? i feel like she hurt the family therefore she hurt me...

It goes deeper but just on the surface please tell me im not alone here!!!

[maidmarianoops]

i do not think you are alone in this
as we search for family they become part of us good bad or


sylvia

[Ruskie]

Tis a cliche to say this, but there are two sides to every story.

It is difficult for us to pass judgement on her without knowing her circumstances or the kind of man your gr grandfather was. Many of us probably wouldn't like many of our ancestors if we'd known them. I personally think it doesn't matter - they don't all have to be good and kind and true.

Unfortunately when we go digging around in the past, we often unearth things we don't like.

[Eilleen]

MurphysLaw.

Its amazing that you found all that out,

for many of use researching are kiss and kin, We would never know anything about their sordid pasts,  
We would find it very hard to turn up information like incense but I'm sure it went on,
family members having affairs, child neglect ,mental cruelty, wife or husband battering, the list is endless,
the same as it is hard to find what kind of person they were, loud, quite, slightly mad, liked to sing all day, said their prays at night, wore glasses, had a beard, ( I mean the males   )
had their own teeth and if so how many and were they straight or crooked,
If we study are selves and tried to put on paper a picture of are selves would we gloss over certain quirks or would we be honest and mention really bad characteristics.
I often wonder what a certain ancestor must have been like, but We can not even be certain they are truly are rellie's , only have the mothers word for that,  

Eilleen,   a bit bored on her day off     will I be remembered in the future for this habit  

[Linda_J]

Hi MurphysLaw

Often there is no way to discover the exact situation at that time so it is often best to keep an open mind.
The parents of your great-grandfather may have felt shame for their son going into prison and may have disassociated themselves from him and his wife and children leaving her destitute.
She may have looked on her husband’s imprisonment as a kind of desertion especially as she was pregnant at the time.
Doubtless she would have a hard decision to make, either to put her children into care or find a way to support herself or find some one to support her and the children.
Rightly or wrongly she made a decision she felt was best as so many have done in earlier times.
We really do not know what we will discover once we start to search but for many of our ancestors, times were hard and they did what they had to do just to survive.

Linda

[meles]

I am sorry that your discovery upset you.

But many of us have opened the closet of our family tree and the skeletons have fallen out!

And it is, I think, wrong to judge because, as others here have pointed out, we don't know the full story. Try to think of it as life's rich tapestry.

meles

[MurphysLaw]

Thanks for the posts people....

to my understanding the man who died in prison was never disowned by his family.... they bought a family plot at cem with his name on after his death which would also contain them when they passed and his mother would write daily to him whilst he was in there - i have the letters and they are all affectionate.

linda- i think you got the wrong end of the stick.... she was only pregnant because of the other man, the guy who was in prison was not this childs father, he went to prison in Aug 1927- my grandfather being born Apr 27 - which means she was having the affair for 4 months...so i dont think his imprisonment would have been viewed by her as 'dissertion' - it would appear she was doing just fine lol.....
i think many men today whos partners have affairs and fall pregnant as a result are not always supportive of it and will leave - however my great grandfather had no choice as he was banged up. I know i shouldnt judge as i am not a saint myself, but since finding this out i do feel a bit awkward knowing that there is an extension of the family that came from an odd situation....especially as us ladies in the immediate family of today can be naughty but not that naughty....it seems almost alien

[Just Kia]

I'm not sure if I'm reading wrong or if things don't add up quite...

Grandfather born Apr 1927 - so pregancy from abt beginning of Aug 1926 if birth at end of Apr 1927.
Quite possible/probable that she was already pregnant when he went to prison.

Next child born in Dec 1927 - so pregnancy from abt beginning of Apr 1927 if birth at end of Dec 1927.

So first child must have been born early Apr 1927 - making it even more likely that she was pregnant before her husband went to prison.
Then it would have to be a very quick turnaround getting pregnant again just after giving birth which although far from impossible isn't over likely.
Most births are spaced 2-3 years apart naturally - if getting pregnant right after giving birth was "the norm" we'd see a lot of families with closer together children on the census returns.

I'm not sure where you are finding that she must have been having an affair for 4 months?

If she did indeed get pregnant again right away then no-one can judge and say she was "sleeping around" - for she may have been raped for all we know. There certainly wouldn't have been many options for her if that was the case.

Other possibilities are that the nexxt child wasn't hers, but one that she took in or that it is hers but you may have found the wrong birth registration.

[Patricia jackson]

Genealogy can be a bit distressing. We can sometimes find things about ancestors that at first glance do not always seem nice. But we are not Judges Or Jurors - who are we to sit in judgement?.  Who knows why people do cerain things. I agree with justkia about looking at facts again.  and do not be too disheartened
whatever. A number of us have skeletons in our cupboards - but that is family history. Some fgood, some indifferent - and some not so good.