Adoption - And the Joys.

[indiapaleale]

Today, I had lunch with a friend and we got yakking about genealogy. I told her that I really enjoy it but don't have much time since I am now the full time carer for my terminally ill husband.

She told me that she was adopted (I never knew that) and I asked her if she had looked for her birth parents. She said that she might one day - but she had such wonderful, loving parents that she didn't feel the need. She also said that she would be forever grateful to her birth mother for giving her the opportunity to be raised by such wonderful people and being given all of the opportunities that had enriched her life.

This opened up a whole new relationship with D. What she didn't know, was that I was in a home for unmarried mothers at 16 years of age. We both cried as I told her of the stories of girls (who had bonded with their babies for six weeks - it was the law at the time) and on the day of the adoption, the birth mother bathed and dressed their babies in beautiful outfits - and kissed them and held them and then gave them an opportunity for a better life.

I'm not saying that all birth mothers felt that way - but I saw many who were. They loved their babies. So, If you are adopted - or know someone who is - your mother probably adored you - but did the best for you.

I am writing a book about my experiences in the home for unmarried mothers - funny - sad - good times and bad - I hope to finish it one day and tell the stories of the beautiful babies.

Indi - Unmarried mother at 16.

[Lady Di]

That is a beautiful story Indi 

but it would certainly make tracing your family history rather challenging if you don't know who your birth parents really were!

We have a new TV program in Oz called "Find my Family".

So many of the "lost" souls are looking for their birth parent or someone is looking for a child they gave up for adoption many years ago.

It's becomming an almost accepted discussion topic these days - thank goodness. For many years this sort of thing have been hidden under the carpet in case it's a reflection on the (bad) mother or even on the rest of the family.

It's fantastic that your friend had a happy childhood with a loving family and I do hope that your child also had the same experience.

Di

[indiapaleale]

Hi Di,

Thank you for replying to my message. I think my point was to help people that were adopted understand that (in most cases) their mothers loved them and made the best possible choices for them. My friend, also named Di, is so happy with the outcome of her adoption and adores her adoptive parents. I think that is just wonderful

As for myself - well, there in lies a tale. At 16, I was banished from the house (what would the neighbors say?) and sent to the home for unmarried mothers to await the birth and adoption of my child. My father had 4 daughters and was a man's man - he prayed each night for a son. Women were way down on the food chain in his world! LOL.

I spent several months at the home - during that time, I had no visitors - nobody from my family came to see me. But - hey - I deserved it - I was a naughty girl!

When my child was born - he was a beautiful baby boy! And - after months of trying to get my head round the idea of giving my child away - I was ordered by my Dad to bring him home! ( I guess it didn't matter what the neighbors said!)

My Dad wanted a son - and I gave him a grandson.  My Dad did love my son but sadly died when Michael was just 20 months old.  My son is now 50 and knows the story of his birth. But, I am always sad to think that if he had been a girl, I would have had no choice but to give her up.

I, like you, are so happy to hear the stories coming out of the closet about the love and joy that is part of adoption. I saw the love first hand and want to pass it along.

Indi
xxxxx

[trish1120]

Hi Indi,

As usual being the softie that I am I had tears rolling down my cheeks as I read your stories.

They are both incredibly happy ones and I am so happy for both you and your friend.

Unfortunately the couple of friends and my ex who were all adopted had not so wonderful adoptive parents

all the best ,
Trish

[thea543]

Lets remove the rosy coloured glasses about adoption please.   Adoption  was a way of providing babies for infertile people.  Babies were wrenched from the arms of their natural mothers.  Most of these women had no choice other than to give up their babies.  They were told they had no choice that they would be shunned by their family and neighbours, nobody would take them in.  They had to be really strong to withstand the pressure put upon them to give up their beloved babies so that other infertile women could have the pleasure of bringing them up.

Social Workers and Moral Welfare Workers justified infant adoption on the emotive pretext 'adoption is in baby's best interests', but adoption was never in the 'best interests' of a baby that was loved and cared for by its own mother, nor was it in the 'best interests ' of a mother who had not abused, abandoned or neglected her baby and whose right to keep it was established in Law and endorsed by the Government in 1948, when it gave unmarried mothers the same State benefits as young widowed mothers, (with additional entitlements and rent- and rate-free housing).

The only beneficieries of infant adoption were adopters, and although some adopted a baby out of a genuine love of children many more had unhealthy or ulteria motives. Mentally unfit, emotionally disturbed, childless married women were also allowed to adopt.

[mazwad]

I was pregnant at 15 and my father too wanted me out of the house, didn't want the shame of his neighbours or workmates knowing.  My mum wasn't a strong enough person to stand against him even though she would have liked me to have kept my child.

My older brother and his wife took me in, they lived in London and we lived in Sussex so it was far enough away to suit my dad.  My parents never paid anything towards my keep and signed me over to my brother as my guardian.

I gave birth to a little girl a month afer my 16th birthday.  My brother had arranged a private adoption with a couple whose sister he knew.  He told me that my daughter would have a lovely life as they were comfortably off and had another daughter of 11 who was really excited to be getting a sister.

I returned home and the subject was not spoken about so I had no outlet for my grief and guilt.  My mum had to deal with her own guilt so it was easier for her not to talk about it.

I married only a year later, not to the father of my child, and had two sons.  Many years later when my daughter was 20 we made contact and initially things went well.  I tried to explain how things were but I still feel she resented the fact I didn't fight harder to keep her.  Her adoptive parents split up when she was 4 and she didn't have a great life after that so I suppose she thought I didn't do so well by her.

Sadly I am no longer in contact with her as things didn't work out between us.

My daughter in law is adopted and has no wish to find her parents as the circumstances of her adoption was neglect.  When she married my son he adopted her twin sons so as a family we have viewed adoption from all sides.

[nasty netty]

its nice too hear nice stories about adoption. even thogh their i a lot of bad ones as well in the world.
my gran give up her daughter many years ago.
because of her health .she carried her whilst having Tuberculious .she would not have an abortion.
she wanted to give her a good chance in life knowing that her husband wouldnt be able too manage himself with 6 other children .
so they thought it was for the best . for them too do what they thought was right a few months later my gran died .
its a sad story. But when i think about it just shows how much my gran loved her baby .and what a great lady she was .
my mam and i are trying too locate her sister through the adoption agency . we never know she might want too know what happened too her. we would really love too meet her.
and for us too tell her the story of how much her mam really loved her

[LizzieW]

Indi - how lucky that you were able to keep your baby son.  My daughter was born in 1960 when I was 19, so I wasn't even particularly young, but I, like many others I was banished from home, so the neighbours and relatives wouldn't know anything.  And as thea543 says, I was told I had to give up my baby for adoption as it was the best thing for her and that if I didn't, I was just being selfish and didn't really love her.  In reality I had no choice, my parents wouldn't have let me take her home, and no-one ever said that there was a 1948 Act that would have given me some benefits to live on and none of the other unmarried mothers knew anything about it either, or they would have told the rest of us.


She found me about 4 years ago and I did tell my mother, before she died, that I'd met her and showed her lots of photographs that her adoptive parents had sent for me of her babyhood, chldhood etc. which is lovely as I have a complete photographic record of her growing up.  My mum then said that she was sorry she'd made me give her up for adoption but that it was what she had to do at the time.  Ironically, after telling me never to tell anyone - and I didn't until my daughter contacted me, and then I waited another year - mum told me that she had told one of my aunts, and I know that aunt certainly wouldn't have kept it to herself, so in a way the whole point of having the baby was negated.

Research has now shown, that taking babies away from their mothers who have had to care for them for anything up to six weeks or more, damages the babies as much if not more than the mothers, as they are, in effect, separated from the only person that they know.  Certainly, my daughter, all though very loved by her adoptive parents and a "natural" brother who arrived about 15 months later, subconsciously still feels the loss of that separation, and finds it difficult to have a relationship with anyone in case she loses out again.  I'm sure that's not the case with all adopted children, but at least nowadays, even if the mothers are very young, 13, 14 etc. they are allowed to keep their babies and even if they are not materially well off, the babies are loved by their extended families.

Lizzie