Stunned ! sister out of the blue

[Granma Anne]

Pennine,

Interesting story you tell. Makes me think a bit. Scuse me while I ramble through this one.  Natural mother vicious, self-centered manipulator who drank. Hmm, You seem to be a nice caring person who has done well with her life, so not like natural mother.  Half-brother fell into the same pot natural mother spit him out of - OK that is probably genes at  work there. He got her worst ones, you didn't.  Half-sister seems to be an ok person so not like natural mother.  Natural mothers's last husband kind and welcoming person. That's a good point. Did he father any of these half sibling? New half-sister unknown element. What would be her reason for contacting you. What does she have to gain? Better yet, why did your natural mother tell you this person had no interest in you? Was she lying? What was your Natural mother afraid of? Let's face Pennine, your natural mother had a lot more to be afraid of with you involved in her life. I suspect her lying and deceiving habits led all of her children on a merry chase through life. I also suspect there may be a bit of envy on their part as far as you are concerned. You were raised by a loving father and Grand parents - what did they have? A spiteful, self-centered mother who probably never had time for them. at least not in the way they would have wanted.  Methinks you came out the best on the deal!

Granma Anne

[pennine]

Hi Grandma Ann what you say may be true. When I first contacted my natural mother I realized that her life style was not mine and I was never ever brought up to know that kind of life style. (Grandma was very anti drink to the point of obsession really.) But that has not unduly influenced me I like a beer with the rest of them. My dad, granddad and grandma were educated people who respected others. I have educational achievements of which I am proud. Having said all that I am not a snob I have worked for twenty five years with working class people, most of them not working, I admire all people who fight against all adversity no matter what their status in life might be. The card I received was fraught with spelling mistakes and errors but what came through loud and clear was that  this woman wants to meet me. However my reticence is that having met her full blooded brother who eventually stole money from me I am ambivalent about what to do next. Her sister is a nice person but the brother - no. And my question is why did they not tell her about me at the time?
Pennine

[Josephine]

Pennine,

I wish you luck in making your decision.  If you are kind but play it a bit cool, maybe that will protect you.  You know, get together in a neutral location, chat, but don't make any promises or assumptions about anything.  Those are just my thoughts.

I've been on the other side, only not as a sibling.  Thanks to my inquiring mind, my (deceased) grandmother's half-brothers learned of her existence.  I've been in touch with one half-brother.  He has been pleasant and polite in his emails / letters but hasn't sent me any details about his family (not even about his father, my g-grandmother's second husband).  I asked if he would be willing to send me copies of photos of his mother (my g-grandmother) at my cost but he never responded to that request.  I figured, he doesn't know me from Adam, so he's playing it cool.  I sent him the data I had gathered and copies of pertinent documents that prove the relationship, etc. 

I've also been in touch with my grandmother's father's family.  (Well, we think he was probably her father, as he was married to her mother, who seems to have left him while pregnant with my grandmother.)  My grandmother's (probable) half-brother on that side doesn't want to have anything to do with me or the whole situation; I've been in touch with his son & his family and they've been very nice and open with me.  My grandmother's (probable) half-sister has been very nice to me, too.

According to my mother, it's possible that my father got some other women pregnant while he was married to my mother; I wonder if I will ever hear from any half-siblings of my own?  I guess time will tell...

Regards,
Josephine

[Granma Anne]

"And my question is why did they not tell her about me at the time?"

That question is one no one here can answer for you!   Obviously, there is much more to all of this than you can relate to us.  I am looking at the surface facts you have written.  What I see is the root of all of this lies with your natural mother and she is no longer in the picture manipulating people and influencing other lives.  Overall, it sounds to me like she had a very 'dysfunctional' family and I hate to use that tag because it has been so abused. You are only aware of a small part of her life and how she treated (and raised) her other children. I suspect it was very poorly.  I also suspect she may have used you to her advantage over them.  This third half- sibling may have been on the outs with her for a long time. How much did she reveal to you about the others? Pennine, trying to get inside her head only opens the door to falling into her trap. you already know that you were lucky to be raised out of sight, out of mind from her. I think you know these other children have had their lives royally screwed by her. I don't know if they are seeking a relationship with you for the good of all or if they are trying to satisfy their  curiosity.  A good guess is they probably wish they had been given your opportunity to get away from her. Lord knows I would if had I been in their shoes, from what you have said about her.

If you want an answer to your question, as close to the truth as you will get. You will have to ask both of these half sisters and draw your own conclusion from what you get back. I stick with my original advice and everyone else has given you very good suggestions. Please let us know of  the final outcome.

Granma Anne

[pennine]

Granma Ann how wise you are. Of course I have thought these things through myself. Having come through life as a virtual 'only child', and to find my natural mother at the age of 40, was a big deal for me. Having said that I realise how close I was to her during the absent years. Not close emotionally but physically. She lived not more then ten miles away, and during my teenage years she worked at a place less than a mile and half from my home. I frequented the same pub that she did with her second husband. It is bizarre that she may have even brushed shoulders with me and did not know who I was and I did not know her. Yet my joy at finding her was overshadowed by her denial of me. This was not through fear of losing the new family. they couldn't have been nicer, but I think it was more to do with her guilt at abandoning a baby girl. Society used to view women who abandoned their babies as pariahs.
I think I will take this very slowly indeed. Thanks for your advice.
Pennine

[Tuscany]

Hi Pennine,

I think before I had any form of contact with this person I would want firm evidence of her claimed relationship, then proceed with extreme caution.   Good luck I hope she proves to be genuine and someone you can form a good relationship with.

[loo]

It sounds to me like you are weighing the likelihood of an emotionally wrenching and negative experience versus the lesser possibility (at least in your mind) of finding a loveable rellie whom you would be delighted to know.  If you really thought the latter was a sound possibility, you would not be hesitating, I don't think.

If I'm right about this, then you probably would do well to, first, ascertain that she is indeed who she says she is (although you seem willing to believe this), and, second, do a little research on her - whatever you can legally get hold of where you live.  You might even consider hiring a PI to give you a report, to protect yourself from the emotional wrenching.  It sounds to me like you really only want to know her if she's an asset in your life, not simply because she could be your half-sister. 

Might you consider a phone call as a first contact?  Perhaps you could use a non-traceable phone.  This would give you a very real sense of what she's like, but you wouldn't have to actually see her.

We wish you well.  Hope it works out for the good.

[Lydart]

Dear Pennine.

What a difficult decision to have to make, especially as its stirred up so much in you from your unhappy past.
People on this have given you good advice ... I think the one about making a tentative phone call from someone else's phone is a good idea ... and also, if you do decide to meet, make it on neutral ground, and take someone with you ...

You may find everything goes extremely well, and that you end up with a wonderful new friend ... I do hope so for your sake, and hers.

[pennine]

Well thank you all for your helpful replies which in the main advises against jumping in with both feet. These are my sentiments exactly but there is always the curiosity element. I am not so mercenary that I would only contact her if she was useful to me. But I do wish to feel that any effort on my part would be enriched and not fraught with difficulties as I had with the half brother who I might add is now out of my life totally. He is also out of the life of the other half sister. My relationship with that one seemed to reach a natural conclusion when our mutual mother died. There was no falling out, just a drifting and termination of contact. The last contact I had with her was at the time of our mothers' death. I went to the church funeral but did not go to the event afterwards, I have not seen first half sister since and that was about four years ago.
I am still pondering what to do and will keep you informed if there is any progress negative or otherwise.
Thanks again.
Pennine