RootsChat.Com
Beginners => Family History Beginners Board => Topic started by: tomjackliam on Friday 04 April 25 15:23 BST (UK)
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Hi thank as for allowing me to join. Now aged 74 about fifteen years ago after years of listening to my wife telling me that my dad was not my genetic dad and telling her she was just being silly I met up with a long lost uncle an very happy with him he confirmed she was right. When I then contacted his sisters my aunties they weren't very happy with him. Sadly they were too young at the time to be able to give me any details.
Now very intrigued I set too in trying to find out more. Which is far easier said than done as we all know. Very long story short frustrated I decided to pay the money and contact a search agency. Best I don't say who but this might give them away.
It seems there were four stages to the process each costing £250. Having been given limited information as the final stage involved contacting my unknown relatives I decided to do this myself and save £250 in the process. Silly choice it seems because after sending them letters telegrams registered letters I have had no response whatsoever over many years. I just find that so strange and its prompted my question. Can they have got it wrong !
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Welcome to the forum.
When you ask “Can they have got it wrong?” – Do you mean the search agency got it wrong.
It is not possible to really comment without knowing any details. Presumably the Search Agency that you paid, gave you the results of their searches, and you may be able to verify their research.
If the problem is that your unknown relatives will not respond to your many attempts to contact them, then it is likely that they don’t want to make contact. Had you allowed the Search agency to make initial contact, you may have got a different response, or you may have been told that the relatives do not want contact.
Although you may find it strange, there are many reasons they might not want contact – shock, not believing it is true, wanting to avoid family upset, arguments, or shame, simply not interested.
Perhaps try to see things from their point of view. Is there any reason, other than curiosity, that you want contact with them?
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Thank you for taking the time to reply & you make some good arguments for why they haven't responded. I would add that given my birth father has died his wife might still be alive & her kids might not want to alarm her by passing on my information. I think that's fair enough to be honest. You ask why I am seeking this information !
Obviously never having met the man I am curious to find out what his characteristics were for instance did cycle motorcycle was he a book reader did he care for others etc etc. Indeed was he an upright type of person or was he a rogue who would stitch people up for a tanner ( 6p). None of these are as important as the majority issue I have which is how healthy was he ! As I have got older & suffered my own health issues I am constantly asked whether my parents suffered from different ailments & until I found out my dad wasn't my birth dad I could always give an honest response. Now alas I can't. With regards to meeting up with others who I am distancely related to I am not bothered .Why would I be when I haven't known them for over 70 years.
Finally I think they are weird anyway as if I received the same sort of letter I sent to them I would respond immediately.
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It's possible you may never sort it all out, but cherish the reltives you have known, and the life you have lived already. We are more than a set of DNA, modified by upbringing and experiences, and although it might be helpful to find out more about your origins, you may feel more unsettled in some ways.
"They" do say that it's a wise man who knows his own father - let them be, they may be missing more than they realise in not connecting with you, look forward with the ones you know and love. We almost all have skeletons hiding somewhere in our family cupboards.
TY
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Thank you for your very erudite comment. Funnily enough I once read an article I think that was written in the Guardian of someone who had the same dilemma I had and I managed to contact the author. Her opinion was exactly the same as yours and that we should celebrate the parent that has cared for us from an early age and to disregard the one that had abandoned us.Thankfully I was holding the hand of mine as he passed away and I was able tibtell him how much I loved him. So again thank you.
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Hello, welcome to Rootschat :)
You sound such a well rounded, down to earth, loveable gent, that I think anyone would be very happy to have you as a family member or friend even.
Just curious, was the agency findings made through DNA testing?
Cas
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This is a long story, but I think it's relevant, so bear with me.
My father's parents divorced when he was a young boy and he never saw his mother again. Several years after they had both died, I was bitten by the genealogy bug and spent a lot of time, money and effort uncovering her origins.
My father's mother (M) was born in a Salvation Army Maternity Home. I learned that her mother (T) had left her father (J) while heavily pregnant with twins. (She ran off with a sweet-talking scoundrel, leaving her husband and a three-year-old daughter behind.)
My father's mother (M) was raised by a great-uncle and his wife in a different country (just over the border). Her mother (T) and father (J) never divorced but each eventually settled down with new common-law spouses and the children of those unions believed their parents to be married.
With the help of another (amateur) family researcher, I eventually made contact with one of J's grandsons; he was the son of J's son from his second "marriage." This grandson was happy to share some info with me, because he was curious. He reached out to his aunt (J's daughter) and she was okay with me phoning her once or twice. This aunt sent him some photos and he sent me copies of them, which was amazing.
However, the grandson's father (J's son; my deceased father's half-uncle) didn't want to talk to me. In fact, he didn't want to hear anything about it. This was before I figured out that T had actually walked out on J; at the time, we all assumed that J (the husband) had been the one who walked out on his pregnant wife (T), and J's son didn't want to hear anything that contradicted the extremely positive experiences he'd had with his father.
So, that's one reason why some people might not respond to queries.
This was before the advent of online DNA databases for genealogy purposes. The paper trail was sketchy. I was seeking proof that my father's mother (M) was the biological child of her mother's husband (J). I found documentation on the sketchy boyfriend that seemed to prove he wasn't my biological grandfather but I was really hoping for something solid.
Several years after making contact with J's grandson, I saw an online obit for the grandson's father (my deceased father's half-uncle). A photo was included with the obit and, in my opinion, there is a definite resemblance to my father; however, that isn't proof. Unfortunately for me, none of the descendants from J's second "marriage" seem to have done DNA testing, so I haven't been able to confirm it that way (the spelling of their surname is unique to that branch of the family, so it should be easy enough to find).
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Thanks Josephine for replying and therefore was no reason to apologise for the length of it as it was both interesting & moving. Those we have lost would never imagine how we could trace our ancestry so easily would they.
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Thank you Cas for your caring comment. No I never went down the DNA route but just found an investigative company and hired their services.
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Thank you Cas for your caring comment. No I never went down the DNA route but just found an investigative company and hired their services.
With very much respect..how can you be 100% sure the agency are correct if your DNA was not tested. DNA cannot lie.
I am surprised they would give you this life changing info, without confirmation.
At a hefty fee!
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I am not suggesting you should, but maybe a DNA test would answer your questions. Ancestry is the largest database, it sometimes has discounts... there maybe one due for father's day shortly. Around £59.00 discounted if I remember correctly.
People that match your DNA are mostly open to connection. You can build a tree, possibly learn more than the agency has given you, which I don't know how they can prove the findings correct.
A paper trail is just that, which I spent many expensive years accumulating. Only to find after DNA testing, one line was incorrect, that my paper trail said was correct.. As said, DNA cannot lie.
Just a few thoughts
Cas
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The cash expended to date is well, best wrote off as experience.
The best route IMO, is taking a DNA test, it is the only method short of your Biological Father turning up on your doorstep that you have any effective means of seeking paternity.
I suggest that you order an Ancestry DNA test, supply the sample and post it back to them.
Meanwhile learn about DNA, starting with this thread:-
https://www.rootschat.com/forum/index.php?topic=863488.0
DNA can be very revealing and questions can be answered, but it can require a lot of time and effort.
We can help more once you have the results of your DNA test.
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Cas I think you make some fair points and youe experience is the same as mine in that the line the agency have taken just somehow doesn't seem right. Having said that Via Google I found a small company advertising under the name I have and it's owner is supposedly my half brother is depicted. He definitely looks like me and like me has a cleft chin which isn't that common. But I take your point about a DNA check given it's not that expensive. It could also confirm my sister isn't actually my sister as well.
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I did my DNA through ancestry and it correctly identified several nieces and nephews as well as first, second and third cousins, which when I contacted them I found to be accurate as well. I met (through email) a second cousin and we have corresponded back and forth a few times.
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I agree with those who suggest you take a DNA test. In cases such as yours I think a DNA test is especially useful, if not vital.
Yes, Ancestry has the largest database but keep in mind that to get the most out of the results, it is now necessary to pay an ongoing annual subscription, so you can see who you match with.
Without a subscription, what you can see is very limited. If you can afford to do so, take out a subscription once your results come through. There are a couple of threads here on rootschat with a link to a very much reduced offer.
Ancestry also divide your results into paternal and maternal sides, which can be helpful.
If you need more help, don’t hesitate to ask. There are many DNA experts here who will be willing to assist.
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I did my DNA through ancestry and it correctly identified several nieces and nephews as well as first, second and third cousins, which when I contacted them I found to be accurate as well. I met (through email) a second cousin and we have corresponded back and forth a few times.
Glas it worked out for you Robert. It's definitely worth trying for me.
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I agree with those who suggest you take a DNA test. In cases such as yours I think a DNA test is especially useful, if not vital.
Yes, Ancestry has the largest database but keep in mind that to get the most out of the results, it is now necessary to pay an ongoing annual subscription, so you can see who you match with.
Without a subscription, what you can see is very limited. If you can afford to do so, take out a subscription once your results come through. There are a couple of threads here on rootschat with a link to a very much reduced offer.
Ancestry also divide your results into paternal and maternal sides, which can be helpful.
If you need more help, don’t hesitate to ask. There are many DNA experts here who will be willing to assist.
Thanks Ruskie clearly great advice.
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I don't see how you can blame a 'searcher company' for lack of response to what seem to be your birth father's family- or am I reading your original post incorrectly and it's another issue that is the problem?
I was contacted by a close DNA match a few years ago. The situation is more complex than they realise. I did explain that I couldn't help them because it would hurt several innocent people but the other factor was the information I found when checking the details of the match's father.
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If you do decide to get an Ancestry subscription this topic gives links to half price offers.
https://www.rootschat.com/forum/index.php?topic=832955.405
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I don't see how you can blame a 'searcher company' for lack of response to what seem to be your birth father's family- or am I reading your original post incorrectly and it's another issue that is the problem?
I was contacted by a close DNA match a few years ago. The situation is more complex than they realise. I did explain that I couldn't help them because it would hurt several innocent people but the other factor was the information I found when checking the details of the match's father.
I think you make a fair comment & it's why I am loathe to name the agency. And not hurting others is also paramount & I did mention the man's wife might still be alive hence no response.