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General => The Common Room => Topic started by: matt94 on Sunday 15 December 19 14:37 GMT (UK)
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Dear all,
Apologies in advance if the nature of this query flouts any of the forum rules, but I have a bit of a predicament and I'm hoping to get some opinions.
I started researching my family history about ten years ago. Not long after commencing my research I found that my father, who I had always thought was one of nine, actually had another sibling. She was born in the 1960s with disabilities and as my grandparents already had seven children at the time of her birth, she was placed in an institution. The family would visit occasionally but in the 1960s the visits stopped for some reason and no one mentioned the sister ever again. My grandparents died 20+ years ago now and there's been no mention of her since, though all of the other siblings are aware of her existence, and several of them presume her to be deceased by now.
Through researching the family history, I have ascertained (through Electoral Rolls) that she is still alive and have located her current address. She is being supported by a care organisation, who I contacted and they confirmed she was receiving their support and that she had given them permission to release this information to me.
As the 'researcher' in the family I'm now in a position where I need to do something about this knowledge. The two eldest siblings have apparently been emphatic in the past about not tracing her/talking about her, and some other siblings I have approached over the years have said they were crippled by indecision. Another sibling, I'm told, would really like to trace her but doesn't know how. My own father is undecided and doesn't want to commit one way or the other by himself.
The questions is, what do I do? The care team have said I could write a letter and my Aunt would decide based on the letter to proceed with any contact, or not.
I am leaning towards writing a letter containing all the facts of the matter to all nine siblings on the same day, and letting them decide what they would like to do.
What would you do? Have you ever broached a difficult topic with family before? Any help or advice would be gratefully received in what is a very complex situation.
Thanks for reading.
Matt
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What I would do is write the letter..... you are interested in being in contact and maybe going and visiting her, you are the researcher......what others in your family do is up to them.
I started researching decades ago when my father died aged only 42yrs old, I remember asking who his mum was, she had died when he was 4yrs old and he had always said he didn't know her name , so I wanted to find out her name 'for my dad'...of course I know now all he had to do was look on his birth cert but at that time I was young/naive and knew nothing about records.
So off I went to find out, my mother asking me one day "what I was doing" which I told her and asked to see any records she had, she told me " she had none" later telling me to "let sleeping dogs lie" she was very agaist me researching and provided me with no help whatsoever..so I KNEW she was hiding something and didn't want me to find out...... ten years on my FH folder was on the table and I caught her looking at it as I walked in the room, she quickly put it down as if she didn't care but was clearly happy to read it thinking I had no 'found out'......... I had, I knew within 6 months what she was hiding but the FH folder she looked at didn't give all the information, ( all that was in the one at home) and my reasoning was it is MY hobby, MY interest and I do not wish to upset her even if it is based on her ancestors 'guilt' which she has taken and carried on .......in 40 yrs she still doesn't know that I know and she will only ever know if she asks me directly.
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You do not give any indication of what age your newly found relative is,but seems to me that this is not very recent history.Just go ahead and send a friendly letter to this person via the care team.
Would not worry about sending letters to the rest of your large family,no one but you appears to have had much previous thought about this poor soul after all.Do the right thing ,its Christmas.
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I think that you should make contact, without telling the rest of the family.
If it works out and a relationship is formed between you two, you can then make a decision (with your aunt) as to who else might be told.
If a relationship is not formed, you will have lost nothing and neither will any of your family.
Christmas is coming (The Season of Good Will to All Men), start with a Christmas card and a cheerful letter. See what kind of response you get.
Good Luck
Regards
Chas
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but why do you wan to involve all the family?
Your father is ambivalent about it all so why don't you ask your aunt if you may visit her and take it from there.
What is your aunt's disability - maybe not severe as she is able to communicate her wishes.
Could it be that she was the daughter of your grandmother and someone else - not your grandfather?
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This poor soul may never receive any visitors.Give it a go but ignore the others. If it works out well then you can consider bringing them up to date. As others have said, it's Christmas.
Imber
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but why do you wan to involve all the family?
Your father is ambivalent about it all so why don't you ask your aunt if you may visit her and take it from there.
What is your aunt's disability - maybe not severe as she is able to communicate her wishes.
Could it be that she was the daughter of your grandmother and someone else - not your grandfather?
Thank you for your reply.
I mention involving the other siblings because they do not know that she is alive. I feel that since I have actually ascertained she is alive and living nearby, perhaps if they had that information, they would want to make their own decision as to whether they want to make contact too.
The family rumour is that my aunt was born with Downs Syndrome and/or possible other complications from a difficult labour. She lived for many years in an Institution for women and children with disabilities until it was closed in the early 1990s. She is almost certainly the child of my grandfather and grandmother.
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Matt
First I would still make contact yourself with your aunt and visit if you/she/care organisation thinks that is the right direction to go ( for you)
MANY MANY families have people who were lost into institutions( including the Royals) and back 50 plus years families were told to move on with their lives and 'forget', that was the NORMAL advice, it was then shameful and guilt ridden, so family stories were told/developed and these people disappeared as new generations were born, so many will have no clue about her until you started to research and find the truth and a person in your family who you now have the opportunity to see/meet....
Once you have more information would then be the time to tell them and let them decide what they wish to do..........I wish you well
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Its extremely difficult to prise open a Shuttered door -- who knows what it will reveal..
I think you are carrying the families 'guilt' - and this is probably your nature.
Go with your feelings .. It is so hard to consider a .n.other member of the families opinions - because no two people have the exact same feelings, emotions, or memories..
This person needs to be allowed to make her own choices if she can... you need to discover things regarding the whole terrible situation.
I have a similar situation -- I discovered that an Aunt had a daughter that was taken into care and then 'denied' existence. It was way too late for me to talk to the Aunt .. or find her daughter.
so dont let it all be too late..
study your conscience and do as YOU feel and believe is best
Finley
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I think if I was in your situation I would send a friendly letter letting Aunt know that I would love to have contact with her, if she would welcome this too. I would explain a bit about myself, being the family researcher, etc. I would stress that she should feel under no pressure and that I would understand and respect her decision if she said no. I would also add that if this was the case, I would leave her my contact details and say that I would leave things as an open door if she changed her mind and wanted contact with me further down the line.
I would advise following your heart in making contact with your Aunt and then leave it up to her what she decides to do. At least she will have had a choice and an opportunity.
I really don't think you need to worry about involving/seeking agreement from other family members in this at all. This is something you are interested in and I don't think agreement from other family members is needed for you to go ahead. People will always have different feelings/viewpoints. Some relatives might have an approach of let sleeping dogs lie and that is fine and up to them but you also have a right to act on your own if you have different inclination regarding the situation.
I think it sounds hopeful that your Aunt might be receptive to the idea of contact otherwise she would likely not have given her care organization staff permission to pass on anything.
I wish you all the best with this and it would be nice to hear how things turn out. I daresay, this thread might be helpful to other RootsChatters now and in the future who might be in a similar situation.
I agree with Iluleah's comment. All those years ago, it would have been the standard advice to have relatives in your Aunt's situation placed in institutions and move on and forget. Your Grandparents may have been told that this was best thing to do for your Aunt and the rest of the family and they may have done this contrary to their own wishes in the belief they were acting in the best interest.
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Considering "She is being supported by a care organisation, who I contacted and they confirmed she was receiving their support and that she had given them permission to release this information to me". so why would you write. The primary contact has already been made, so it's now time to do the face to face thing. It can only go one of two ways. Your "aunt" may have been waiting for this for many years, so why put it off further. Hope it goes well.
Malky
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A lot of good sincere advice has already been given.
What strikes me is this lady seems capable of making decisions and communicating.
Even your father does not have the right to dictate anything other than what your conscience is telling you to do.
Go, poor soul, she must have wondered why so neglected by her family.
We must also remember how much attitudes have changed in such a long period of time.
The rest of the family followed what was considered “ The best” for her and all concerned probably without a great deal of knowledge only what the “ experts of the time told them.
Please let us know how you go on, I don’t think a kind person like you will rest easy until you do something positive.
Cheerio, and a very Happy Christmas and I hope an interesting and fulfilling New Year.
Viktoria.
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I think that making contact and arranging a visit would be the way to go.
If you can do that openly, you might find that some of your family may support you but do not want to pursue contact themselves.
Good luck with your aunt.
Jackie
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I'm sure your aunt will be pleased to see you and talk to you.It would probably be a bit overwhelming to see several people at once .So I agree that you can inform her siblings once you have contacted her yourself . Thanks for sharing.
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You are in the awkward position of trying to guess whether you will bring joy to some of your family while raising a few hackles in others. I don't think any of us can advise with confidence, as you will be the best judge of your relatives. But I don't feel that any skeletons will be revealed, just that some people can be oversensitive to potentially worrying issues.
On balance I think it may be better not to keep things hidden unless there is very good reason.
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Where you have the advantage over some others who discover a long lost relative, is the fact that other members of your family know she existed, she isn't a hidden illegitimate child. Although she was never spoken about, they did probably think about her.
Could it be that her relatives are scared of meeting her as they don't know how badly disabled she is, after all they were children at the time she was placed in an institution? From what you have said, she is obviously capable of understanding and communicating her wishes. You have already made the initial contact with the carers, and they have passed this on to her, so it would be cruel to let her think she has been abandoned by her family again.
This time of the year is the perfect time to get in touch. Send her a Christmas card with a note in it and then let her make the decision. Tell her siblings that you have found her and have made contact, but will understand if they don't want to follow it up. Maybe they will be quite happy for you to make the first contact and keep them informed.
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There is one more thing that I would consider. If you do go forward with the contact and go to see her, (and I agree with the others that yes, you should), I think that you should take her some small modest gift, something in the nature of a "hostess present", something that she can look at afterwards to remind her that she has finally had a family visitor.
But ... you, at this point, don't have any knowledge of what her disability is, so I would also write separately to the care-giving organization asking for advice in that line. If, for example, they tell you that one of the high points of her life is the weekly visit from the therapy dog, a Golden Retriever, then a calendar with pictures of Goldens or puppies would probably please her. On the other hand, if she is also diabetic or unable to feed herself, a box of chocs is not a good idea. See what I mean?
Cheers,
Westoe
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I agree, a small gift would be a good idea.
Hopefully, the care organisation would be able to advise on that.
Jackie
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I would just like to share my story it may help with your decision. My parents separated when I was 2 years old I'm now 60+. I have no memory of my Father and only one photo which is tiny and hard to see I know from my Mum basic information about him, his siblings and parents who are now all dead but I have not idea what they looked like. In the 1990's whilst visiting my Mum, I don't live local to her, I saw a name the same as my Father's brother on a business sign I asked Mum if this was his brother and she confirmed it was. On my way home I took note of the phone number and after much indecision of several weeks/months I made contact with him and explained who I was. He was fine and gave me details of my Father where he was living and how many children he had, he also said he would pass on my phone number to him which he did. My Father did contact me twice and we chatted a little however he made a couple of comments which I was not happy about regarding my Mum and Grandmother which made me a bit unhappy with him but I didn't challenge him. He asked a few questions about my life and knew my Mum had remarried someone in the RAF so as children we'd moved around quite a bit. On the last occasion he phoned he introduced himself as my Father and again made a few unnecessary comments, after this I decided to leave things alone for a while, especially as when I told my Mum about his comments, which weren't really all that bad, just not necessary, it upset her a little, and although she didn't say don't contact him or anything like that I didn't want to open up old sores. Shortly afterwards we changed phone providers and my number changed and somehow I lost his number. A couple of weeks ago whilst updating my research I came across information on a burial site suggesting someone with the same name had died in 2015. Last week I received the death certificate which confirmed it was him and now I feel .... well in truth I don't quite know how I feel totally, there is a sense of loss, and I do know I have regrets especially in respect of having relatives and half siblings that I'll probably never meet this fills me with sadness, life is short and sometimes we need to be selfish towards ourselves, and do what is right by ourselves. Like many of the other's who have offered opinions do what is right for you don't like me have regrets that now I can't put right. Good luck.
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A further thought. In the (very) long run it may be best to make contact rather than decide not to risk any unpleasantness for someone. That could become a permanent choice, with the end result that no-one survives to benefit from whatever results.
In the 1950s my father-in-law fell out with his only sister and they never spoke again. Until then, both pairs of daughters enjoyed each others' company until the ways parted when they were young teenagers. Fifty years later my wife started looking for possible death records and as a consequence regained contact with her long-lost cousin. They get on fine and phone each other regularly. So I might suggest that the possible gains might well outweigh the possible hard feelings.
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Andrew Tarr's advice sounds to me to be the very best possible advice.
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Thank you, all, for your thoughts on the matter.
I've read them all through and given them much consideration and I do believe the right thing to do is contact my Aunt.
Should I have an update with good news I hope I'll be able to come back and share it with you.
Thanks again.
Matt
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I think that you should make contact, without telling the rest of the family.
If it works out and a relationship is formed between you two, you can then make a decision (with your aunt) as to who else might be told.
If a relationship is not formed, you will have lost nothing and neither will any of your family.
Christmas is coming (The Season of Good Will to All Men), start with a Christmas card and a cheerful letter. See what kind of response you get.
Good Luck
Regards
Chas
100% Agree.
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Actually, I think Kiltpin's advice is very good too.
It sounds like a gentle, less scary way of exploring whether things can progress further at this point.
I know I wouldn't like to alienate or have any of my relatives cross with me so I can imagine the dilemma you are facing regarding doing something your relatives might not approve of.
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Hi all,
Just to update you, I’ve written a letter to my aunt and a covering letter for her care provider to give a little context about the family situation (to be honest, I don’t know whether they know she has such a big family). The letter to my aunt is much breezier and factual about me, my family, what we did for Christmas etc.
I’ve sent a copy of both letters to a cousin who is supporting me with the process of contacting her, just to check the wording and content of the letter. I’m also sending some photos of my family and our pets to aunt just as a keepsake.
Thanks again for all of your suggestions, it has really spurred me on to do this.
Kind regards
Matt
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A visit could well be next on the list! I wish you good luck with this.
Just a word of caution though, try not to overload your aunt with a lot of (family) information as this could be a daunting experience for her.
Jackie
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Well done I think that is marvelous .
I was a carer for people with learning differences and some of the older ones did not have family visitors but one man had a carer who was very close and even after retirement continued to visit. go on outings even accompany the official carers on annual holidays .
Another lady didn't see her family very often....but had pictures of them on her walls and could identify who was who .
The animals can be important to
Meeting your pets may be a future step as most homes don't have any .
One of the carers used to to bring his dog for short visits which were greatly enjoyed by 2 residents.
Good luck
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Best of luck to you in this very caring venture.
Be advised by those who know her well, ie the carers and staff and go slowly.
A whole new interesting phase of your life could be opening up to you as well as your relative.
Sincere good wishes.
You know, you really ought to write down the whole experience,from finding
your relative, the background etc,first meeting and thereafter.
It will be an enthralling read.
I can see it being a good T. V. Programme, even a film.
Much better than the tripe served up regularly.
Go on, do it!
Viktoria.
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I too wish you all the best with this.
I think what you are doing might well inspire other people in the same situation.
Whatever the outcome at least now you will not find yourself if the position of thinking one day "if only .." when considering a chance that was lost. How many of us wish we could turn back the clock to have a missed out on contact or conversation.
Well done on your courage and sensitivity in how you are proceeding with this! Please do let us know how things turn out further along the line. I really do think there will be others in your situation and I think your thread might be quite inspiring for them. :)
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An update for those interested:
I sent a letter to my aunt in mid-January along with a covering letter to the care organisation that manages the home.
I received an e-mail from the management of the home last week to thank me for my letter and say they were planning on broaching the subject with my aunt and showing her the letter last week. Not heard back since but they did say it could take some time.
One slight twist in the tale is that she was referred to as Mrs Smith* rather than her birth name, Jane Jones*. Although I had seen on Electoral Registers that up to 2005 she had been Jane Jones and since 2006 she was Jane Smith, I assumed that since I didn’t find a marriage online, she wasn’t married.
I went to London today to search the GRO marriage indexes 2006-2019 and there’s no marriage between a Jane Jones and a Mr Smith, so I’m none the wiser as to how she became Mrs Smith!
Will update when/if I hear more.
Thanks for all your support.
Matt
*not her actual name(s)
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Thanks for the update..you have done what you can and hopefully you will hear back once they can speak with your aunt ...so a waiting game...........best wishes for the outcome you want