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Beginners => Family History Beginners Board => Topic started by: kcrummett on Tuesday 20 August 19 23:28 BST (UK)

Title: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: kcrummett on Tuesday 20 August 19 23:28 BST (UK)
Now the second piece of upsetting family history info i have found but this has really upset me.How can i cope with this as i know it us bound to happen.Its so sad i cant stop crying or thinking about it.
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: Craclyn on Tuesday 20 August 19 23:49 BST (UK)
You will meet with many tragic circumstances if you continue to research your family history. Just accept that life was very different in the past. Honour them by recording what happened and move on. This will not be the last difficult situation you come across.
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: kcrummett on Wednesday 21 August 19 00:01 BST (UK)
Thankyou for your reply.I found an article about my uncle who died in 1960 in San diego...i was always told his car went off a freeway...the article stated he committed suicide 3rd attempt  at 20.the same age as my son now.All that time my grandfather must have carried that.
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: Flattybasher9 on Wednesday 21 August 19 03:14 BST (UK)
Why are you putting your uncle's frame of mind into your son's?? Two different individuals, and two different circumstances.

Malky
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: kcrummett on Wednesday 21 August 19 10:15 BST (UK)
yes i know.i am just so upset by it all.what causes someone to do this. :'(
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: Craclyn on Wednesday 21 August 19 10:21 BST (UK)
I doubt if you will ever know the answer to why he made that decision. Try to focus on the good parts of his life.
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: Ayashi on Wednesday 21 August 19 10:53 BST (UK)
I was on my second attempt at 18. I think there's a genetic factor in my family and a couple of suicides or suicide attempts in my wider ancestry, although one was the cousin of my direct who had other health issues and the other was a direct who was an elderly widow with other issues I think had had enough. I don't know how early your uncle started, whether those attempts were spread out through years and might have been to do with chemical imbalances in the brain such as I probably have, or if they were related to events that occurred in childhood, or whether they were close together and could have been circumstances that he found himself in as an older teenager/young man.

Last year we lost a coworker who was younger than me, about mid-20s. She was always smiling and whenever you spoke to her she would stop and look engaged in what you were saying. She was always up for banter and dyed her hair many colours. It came out of the blue to me that she took her own life but apparently it had been going on for a while and no medical professional could work out what was going on. Her family donated her to medical science to try to help others.

You might never know more about the circumstances, although if it was the 1960s you have a better chance of getting more information and understanding his motivations than an event from 100 years ago. Maybe, as upsetting as it is, it might help to know as much as possible, so you can put puzzle pieces together and then have some of a picture to get your head around, record it and show due respect to the past by having thought carefully about it, honouring him and his struggle by not sweeping it back under the carpet. That's one of the reasons I get the certificates for many of the babies in my family, no matter how long they lived. Time buried them, I want them on my tree and remembered.

It might help to talk about it. We've got our own chatroom here (although there's not always people in it) and there are resources online for you to speak to if you are having difficulties processing certain pieces of information and it is affecting your own mental state, I'm sure you can find coping techniques to try. If you are having difficulties longer term, maybe consider doing a fundraising day for MIND or some such? It won't erase the past, but it might feel cathartic.

On the whole though, I think you might find Family History a bit difficult as Craclyn says. If you investigate deaths, in all likelihood they will not have died of old age in their sleep surrounded by their families (some were lucky enough to, but by and large...) Each one is a tragic circumstance all by itself. I have many lost children who sometimes died young and distressingly. I have nasty diseases, mining and vehicle accidents and I have so many different types of cancer it is somewhat concerning.

Condolences for your uncle, I hope you feel better soon.
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: Romilly on Wednesday 21 August 19 11:58 BST (UK)
yes i know.i am just so upset by it all.what causes someone to do this. :'(

I do understand how you feel kcrummett.

I was upset when I found that my Father's youngest brother had committed suicide at home at 26yrs. (He cut his throat with a razor). The Coroner's Inquest records had been destroyed, but I found Newspaper Articles about it. It happened in 1930, when suicide was classed as a criminal offence here. The Articles stressed that he did it, 'on a sudden impulse'. I'm guessing that this was to spare the family from the stigma of depression? Certainly, my Father never told my Mother about it before he died.

Romilly.
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: kcrummett on Wednesday 21 August 19 13:49 BST (UK)
Thankyou all for your replies and support...seems i am not alone ???
What would be the best way in honouring him? could i get a birth/death certificate? ::)
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: medpat on Wednesday 21 August 19 14:07 BST (UK)
Most of us will come across tragedies in our families. Life was so hard for many of them. My gt grandmother had 14 live births, 9 dying at only a few weeks old. How did they cope with such losses?

Look at the ages of the armed forces killed in the 2 World Wars and the civilian casualties.

We can't alter the past, honor them. Take time thinking about them and accept what happened. It hurts I know and so do most who trace relatives but it's history and it stays in history. Learn to let go and accept the past. You'll get there and enjoy finding out about more relatives.
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: Romilly on Wednesday 21 August 19 16:30 BST (UK)
Thankyou all for your replies and support...seems i am not alone ???
What would be the best way in honouring him? could i get a birth/death certificate? ::)

I got a Birth Cert and a Death Cert for my Uncle who committed suicide.

I also visited Cwmgelli Cemetery in Swansea to see his (unmarked) grave. It's a lovely peaceful spot.

Romilly.
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: kcrummett on Wednesday 21 August 19 17:25 BST (UK)
That is a lovely spot....Billy is buried in New mexico.He threw himself off the Aero drive bridge onto highway 395 aged 20 :-[ :'(.I am now on ancestry and i will have to upgrade to view the USA death certificate if i can find it first that is...I have found his birth details as he was born UK and found the ship records when he was taken to New york aged 7.Will there be a death certificate i wonder though.
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: Rosinish on Wednesday 21 August 19 18:01 BST (UK)
Is this his MI...

https://billiongraves.com/grave/person/12539592

Annie
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: Romilly on Wednesday 21 August 19 18:03 BST (UK)
kcrummett, I don't have access to USA records on Ancestry.

However, if you ask for a Death Look-up on the USA Board on here, I'm sure that someone will help.

Romilly.
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: panda40 on Wednesday 21 August 19 18:54 BST (UK)
Why don’t you plant a rose in your garden as a special place to go to and remember him and any other relatives you find. That way it is near for you to go to and pay your respects.
Sometime a very simple thing can help make a big difference.
Regards
Panda
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: kcrummett on Wednesday 21 August 19 18:56 BST (UK)
Thankyou all so much.lovely idea Panda :)
Roinish it could well be.is that New Mexico?
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: Rosinish on Wednesday 21 August 19 19:22 BST (UK)
is that New Mexico?

Did you click on the link?...

"Grave site information of William Crummett (1940 - 1960) at Mount Hope Cemetery in San Diego, San Diego, California, United States"

https://www.familysearch.org/ark:/61903/1:1:VPW5-558

"William Crummett   
Death 14 Jan 1960 San Diego, California, United States
Birth 17 May 1940
Birthplace England
Mother Barlett"

Annie
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: kcrummett on Wednesday 21 August 19 19:32 BST (UK)
Thanks annie ;) his mother was an Ethel Barlett and he died on that date.Thanks so much :)
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: Rosinish on Wednesday 21 August 19 19:41 BST (UK)
"Billy is buried in New mexico"

Were the family living in New Mexico when the tragedy occurred?

You may find his 'burial' there is a memorial?

Do you know why he was in San Diego if the family were in New Mexico?

Annie
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: kcrummett on Wednesday 21 August 19 19:43 BST (UK)
I am not so sure.All i know is he died in San diego and was buried New mexico.This grave doesnt look like i remember from my grandads photo but i could be wrong or like you said it could be a memorial.
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: kcrummett on Wednesday 21 August 19 19:47 BST (UK)
I am not sure why he was in San diego.Originally he had emigrated with his aunt and grandfather and grandmother at age 7.to New york.Infact i am not sure of why they went at all in the first place.Also his other aunt lived there but must have migrated separately as she isnt on the ships list.Both aunts lived in Long beach until their death.
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: IgorStrav on Wednesday 21 August 19 20:01 BST (UK)
As with many things in Family history research, you may never really find out the reasons behind what happened.

I'm sure we all share the sense of frustration that brings.

But I think the suggestion from Panda44 of planting a Rose so that you can think of those who've gone, and remember them quietly, and acknowledge them, is a very good idea.

You will know that no-one is gone whilst someone remembers them. 

and you are doing this on behalf of your uncle, and also acknowledging the distress your grandfather must have felt.

Added:  I have a photograph of my great grandmother, with her husband and children, back in about 1895.  They had lost two children in a month very shortly before.  And I can see it, in her face.  Bless her and them
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: Rosinish on Wednesday 21 August 19 20:11 BST (UK)
It's possible the San Diego MI is a memorial as his name isn't on this list?

http://www.interment.net/data/us/ca/sandiego/mthope/index.htm

An email would hopefully confirm.

Annie
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: kcrummett on Wednesday 21 August 19 21:09 BST (UK)
i cant find him on the ssdi either.anywhere! :-[ There must be a death certificate somewhere. :-\
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: Rosinish on Wednesday 21 August 19 21:22 BST (UK)
Not all records are online but there are also different laws for different states etc.

This might be useful;

https://www.cdph.ca.gov/Programs/CHSI/pages/vital-records.aspx


Annie
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: Rosinish on Wednesday 21 August 19 21:41 BST (UK)
It's possible the San Diego MI is a memorial as his name isn't on this list?

http://www.interment.net/data/us/ca/sandiego/mthope/index.htm

An email would hopefully confirm.

Just in case you missed the info. on the site (link above)...

"This is not a complete listing of burials! The records below were provided by contributors to Cemetery Records Online. Last edited Jun 12, 2006. Total records = 506"

Annie
Title: Re: coping with finding out sad things
Post by: chempat on Thursday 22 August 19 06:50 BST (UK)
Just to say that he is in a tree on Ancestry - the tree owner is Canadian, and there are many photos of the ancestors.