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General => The Common Room => Topic started by: Lisajj on Wednesday 03 June 15 23:29 BST (UK)
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So, a few weeks ago, my uncle was contacted by an adoption agency regarding a possible sibling. Turns out that I now have another half uncle. "oh how nice" some of you may say, but I don't know how I really feel. This uncle was adopted at birth and has decided to wait until he's in his 70's to find us. I don't blame him in the slightest. When my grandmother died 8 years ago, at the time I said I was sure there would be more half siblings crawl out from somewhere. Little did I know I would be right!
Has anyone else gone through this? I'm sort of excited but disappointed at the same time, and whoever has done the official research seems to think there are more - which wouldn't surprise me. Said new uncle is going to ring me tomorrow night and send me a copy of the research to verify.
Advice anyone?
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I presume this new uncle is one of your parent's siblings? I know it must have been a shock for you, but how does your uncle, this new uncle's half brother, feel about it? I think you need to take your lead from him, after all he is closely related and if he is happy, be happy for him.
I'm not sure what you are disappointed about - the fact he left it so long, perhaps he had his reasons, adopted parents alive at first etc.
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After reading your post I've tried imagining how I would feel if a half-sibling of one of my parents suddenly materialised, and being totally honest I don't know how I'd feel either, but I also cant help but put myself in the 'new' uncle's shoes too.
Has he wondered about his 'other' family all these years? Perhaps he's been afraid of rejection & possibly still is? Perhaps he was never told he was adopted but always suspected it and it's taken this long to pluck up the courage? Whatever his reasons he's the one entering an established group, which must be scary for anyone, especially if the starting point is having to prove he 'belongs'. The one thing you do know is that he didn't ask to be adopted, so for now perhaps its worth putting your own uncertainties aside and welcoming him.
Good luck, I hope it goes well.
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So, a few weeks ago, my uncle was contacted by an adoption agency regarding a possible sibling. Turns out that I now have another half uncle. "oh how nice" some of you may say, but I don't know how I really feel. This uncle was adopted at birth and has decided to wait until he's in his 70's to find us. I don't blame him in the slightest. When my grandmother died 8 years ago, at the time I said I was sure there would be more half siblings crawl out from somewhere. Little did I know I would be right!
Has anyone else gone through this? I'm sort of excited but disappointed at the same time, and whoever has done the official research seems to think there are more - which wouldn't surprise me. Said new uncle is going to ring me tomorrow night and send me a copy of the research to verify.
Advice anyone?
Hi Lisajj,
like Jomot I tried imagining if it was one of my parents siblings, half or otherwise. I think in that position if I'm totally honest, I would feel really disappointed with my grandparent(s). It really would shatter my cosy illusions about them (I was very close to my grandparents), and I would maybe even feel a little angry towards the grandparent. I'd also have so many unanswered questions, why, and why.
I certainly would not feel disappointed with the new said uncle as none of it is his fault. I'd also presume he left it until now for reasons only known to himself - It could be he didn't want any contact with his biological parents, too painful, it could be( like previously mentioned )he could have waited until his adoptive family had passed away, it could even be because it is far easier to find people now than it was say 20 years ago. It could even be possible that he was waiting for one of his biological family to make the first move and contact him, but they didn't.
I think I'd feel both excited and very, very nervous to meet the uncle( but imagine how he is feeling - He must be far more nervous.)
I hope all goes really well for you both, there must be lots of unanswered questions that you both need to talk about. We are not responsible for our ancestors doings, only our own actions.
Good luck:)
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As I said, I don't blame him. In fact, I don't blame anyone. I think it's great that he's finally got in touch. But my emotions don't match up with my thoughts! I think I probably feel sad for my grandmother, and wish I could understand what she went through. My grandmother must have had a 'colourful' life before I was born! I loved her to bits, and all her past (good or bad) made her the person that I knew, and I wouldn't want to change that. I just wish that I could pin point my feelings! It must be even more weird for my mother and other uncle.
Thanks for you thoughts, much appreciated.
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Unsure if this may be the reason, or part of it, for your feelings, but I think when we know our parents and grandparents they are older, and we often admire and respect them for being older and wiser, however they had lives before we were born, and made mistakes of course.
I think we are generally not happy to know about their mistakes especially if they were related to issues of illegitimacy. Though it is virtually meaningless today, we know that in the times of our parents, grandparents and great grandparents etc, it was a big deal and anyone who was illegitimate or who gave birth out of wedlock was often ostracised.
I think this is in the back of our minds even today, and some don't like to accept the failings (as it was seen at the time) of our closer ancestors.
Good luck anyway, and I hope your half uncle is a lovely man and that you all get on really well.
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I have had experience of this from the other side. I found my half-brother who has two sons. It is a strange experience suddenly having two grown-up nephews who really don't know what to call you. 'Auntie' seems too strange but first names are equally slightly taboo.
I found all the emotions were very strange and took some getting used to. It's taken two years to really feel like a family group because everyone took it very, very, slowly. It was definitely the best way.
I would say go along with the meetings and just accept that he is probably feeling anxious too. Everyone will be emotional - just accept it and see how it goes.
Good luck
Rishile
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When I started on my Family History, pre-Internet days, one of my first "big" finds was that my grandfather had 3 wives; not just the 2 I knew about!
He divorced his 2nd wife in order to marry my grandmother.
But the thing was, there were children born to this 2nd marriage that we knew nothing about!
I made contact with this part of the family - but my father's response really threw me. "What do they want; we haven't got any money!" was his thought :o
I couldn't understand why he wasn't as excited as I was?
Anyway, in order to respect my father's feelings, I let things drop.
Now, in hindsight, I wish I had kept in contact.
I would say just go with the flow; if your mother and your uncle are happy, be happy for them and with them.
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This uncle could be absolutely minted. Hang in there sunshine! ;D
Skoosh.
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During my research I discovered my father has a half sibling we knew nothing about. He knew about two, thinks his mother had also had a stillborn son (obviously stillbirth records are closed so this we don't know) and then yet another sister turns up in the records.
I'm not sure how I would feel if I met her (I would love to though), however what I regret most is not hearing the why's from my gran - especially why she kept one illegitimate daughter and had the second adopted.
My dad has wondered if this 'half sister' is actually his full sister and was she having an affair with his dad (they married after he was widowed when she was pregnant)
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Just thought I'd let you all know that I spoke to my "new" uncle on the phone last night.
I just feel like I want to help him fill in the gaps now.
He's got a lot of documents, which he's going to send me copies of and I've got photos that I will send him copies of.
He's in his 70's, and wishes he'd contacted us sooner, he just didn't want to cause any upset.
He sounded lovely and honestly, we were chatting like old friends after a few minutes.
Thanks for all your comments.
Lisa
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That's great Lisa. I know when I first spoke to my brother on the phone it blew me away. It took all my doubts away. I hope all goes well and you can enjoy your new uncle.
Rishile
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That's lovely to hear Lisa, so pleased it went well.
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Just thought I'd let you all know that I spoke to my "new" uncle on the phone last night.
I just feel like I want to help him fill in the gaps now.
He's got a lot of documents, which he's going to send me copies of and I've got photos that I will send him copies of.
He's in his 70's, and wishes he'd contacted us sooner, he just didn't want to cause any upset.
He sounded lovely and honestly, we were chatting like old friends after a few minutes.
Thanks for all your comments.
Lisa
Wonderful news........ We all like to think we have our lives in order so something like this can come as a shock to the system and we fear the unknown and unless you are put in a position like this I really don't think anyone can say how they would feel, might feel or should feel.
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about 8 years ago I finally found my mothers aunts and uncles. She had been born about 5 months after parents married and I think they parted not long after.
Now they all knew about their brother/uncles child. So no problem there. But that was it. They just did not really want to know me.
I was an still am quite upset by this. I am an only child (of 2 only children) so I do not have lots of family. Was so excited when I found these people only to feel quite rejected.
The worst is that although most live in Hampshire and I live in London, I was told at the time by the one member who was very kind. That the granddaughter of one of my uncles actually lived in the same area of London as me, in fact just roads away. I never pursued the name of the road.
While I am utterly disappointed, I feel this lack of contact is actually their loss not mine. They are obviously not very kind people. But I know that many of my friends and the little family I do have know and have benefitted from my own kindness and help in many ways.
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Just thought I'd let you all know that I spoke to my "new" uncle on the phone last night.
I just feel like I want to help him fill in the gaps now.
He's got a lot of documents, which he's going to send me copies of and I've got photos that I will send him copies of.
He's in his 70's, and wishes he'd contacted us sooner, he just didn't want to cause any upset.
He sounded lovely and honestly, we were chatting like old friends after a few minutes.
Thanks for all your comments.
Lisa
I've just read this thread ......... and what a great ending / beginning you now have
I'm in the very peculiar position of knowing that my only brother had a child at a very young age, with no idea of how to find that child.
He was a lot older than me, but around 1945/46 he had a romance with an "older" woman that resulted in a child.
He would have been about 16, and she was 19 or 20 ........ our parents put the kibosh on any further relationship.
I understand the major problem apart from his age was that she was already married ......... apparently of French origin with a husband in the British Army and still in Europe at the time. She was probably lonely, seemingly on her own in a mill town, and brother was tall and handsome .... and obviously precocious!
I do have a very vague memory from when I was a very small child of waking up, going downstairs, and seeing a woman with a baby in the front room with parents and brother ........... and then being hustled straight back to bed!
Brother opened up about the relationship and the child when I was over in the UK after my father's death in 1971. We sat in his car outside his house for a couple of hours talking about it, he was obviously greatly affected but he had no idea of what had happened to mother or child.
The subject was never mentioned by my parents, I have no idea whether brother told his wife when he later married, or whether any of his 3 daughters know. I got the impression from the way he spoke that it had been kept a secret even from his wife.
My husband and my daughter know ........ but we have lived in another country since the late 1960s.
I sometimes wonder about that child .......... not even knowing the sex
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Just thought I'd let you all know that I spoke to my "new" uncle on the phone last night.
I just feel like I want to help him fill in the gaps now.
He's got a lot of documents, which he's going to send me copies of and I've got photos that I will send him copies of.
He's in his 70's, and wishes he'd contacted us sooner, he just didn't want to cause any upset.
He sounded lovely and honestly, we were chatting like old friends after a few minutes.
Thanks for all your comments.
Lisa
Just come across this thread, and having read all the posts, can only say wow... what a lovely thing to happen.
like Sylvia (Canada) I am in a position of not knowing how to find someone, and wishing every day that I could.
My son got engaged to a girl, not a very nice person but I supposed I am biased towards my son. She already had a baby to another man, and we took the little 6 month girl into our hearts as one of our own. When my son and his fiance had a baby boy, it made their little family complete. However, the fiance had started showing her true colours. She would physically attack my son, she had started sleeping around, and one night when he was trying to get his baby son to sleep, she pulled a knife and threatened to hurt both children if he didn't leave.
She cut my sons face with the knife, not badly enough to warrant stitches, but enough. My son ran round the corner to my sister. Whilst my sister was looking at the wound, the police arrived, the fiance had apparently turned the story on end, but on seeing my sons face, they immediately went back to her. She had by now done a disappearing act with the children.
Despite all attempts to find her and the children, we hit brick walls until one day the social services phoned my son to tell him that they had both children who had been given to them by their mother, since she didn't want them anymore - did I say she wasn't a nice person? The social services obviously wouldn't let my son adopt the older child - not biologically related, but not would they let him have his own son, because 19 years ago, unmarried fathers did not have parental rights and responsibility. They wouldn't even let him see the child.
From what we can gather, both children were adopted. The little boy would now be almost 20 years old, and he will have grown up without knowing that his daddy and his nana, aunts and uncles have spent all that time trying to find him to get him back... now we are told we must wait til he wants to find us!
Sorry for rambling...
I'm overjoyed that your uncle finally found you, and you can get to know him... I love happy endings/beginnings as Sylvia called it
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about 8 years ago I finally found my mothers aunts and uncles. She had been born about 5 months after parents married and I think they parted not long after.
Now they all knew about their brother/uncles child. So no problem there. But that was it. They just did not really want to know me.
I was an still am quite upset by this. I am an only child (of 2 only children) so I do not have lots of family. Was so excited when I found these people only to feel quite rejected.
The worst is that although most live in Hampshire and I live in London, I was told at the time by the one member who was very kind. That the granddaughter of one of my uncles actually lived in the same area of London as me, in fact just roads away. I never pursued the name of the road.
While I am utterly disappointed, I feel this lack of contact is actually their loss not mine. They are obviously not very kind people. But I know that many of my friends and the little family I do have know and have benefitted from my own kindness and help in many ways.
Im sorry to hear that. But you have tried your best, thats what matters.
Its hard to understand your aunts & uncles motivations for not engaging you fully, but you can only do so much.
Cheers.
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I had tried to trace my late dads side of the family, with no luck at all. I knew nothing at all about my grandparents, except my granddad died in 1934 when my dad was 17 and my grandma died in 1969. on my dad's birth certificate, grandmas maiden name was given as Cahill, even though we had been told by my dad's 2 older sisters-whom have also passed away, and my older cousin, that her maiden name was Hornby. By chance I logged on to Ancestry one day, and a military record popped up for my granddad, giving his next of kin as my grandma Margaret Buckley, dependants names and D.O.B. Robert Hornby Cahill 16.6.04, son then my 2 aunts and my dad. I was shocked as nobody had ever mentioned/heard of Robert, but it turns out he is my dad's and aunts half brother-my uncle. I sent for my grandparents marriage certificate, and sure enough it's says my grandmas name at the time of marriage was Margaret Cahill-widowed, her Fathers name Robert Hornby whom she named her son after, and she went to Cheshire from Garston in Lancs, where she lived and Robert was born, when Robert was 6yr old-she left him in Liverpool,eventually met and married my grandad and then sent for Robert whom was then aged 10. She then had my 2 aunts and my dad. My dad-the youngest joined the army when he was 17, so they all lived at the same address till then, but not once had/as anyone mentioned him....we didn't know he existed till I stumbled across the military records. I am now trying to find out more about him, but I should imagine unlike your uncle who as made contact with you, mine would have passed away ! but hopefully, he would have married, had children and maybe if not any cousins out there, I may have cousins once removed. I just need to see how I find out more info on Robert and how to go about checking in Garston. Good luck with your contact, and hope all turns out well.
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Hi rea1 Just read your post on this thread,
Robert Hornby Cahill born 1904 Garstang Lancashire, appears to have married a Eileen Berwick in 1931 Garstang Lancashire.
Possible child born in Garstang in 1932, obviously not putting childs name up as they could still be living, but you can find this child on FreeBMD.
Lisa, I wish you well with the contact you have with your new uncle.
Its very daunting I know and leads to all sorts of feelings. Whilst researching my husbands family tree (as we didn't know anything about his maternal grandparents) we were contacted about six years ago on here (after putting posts on various sites in 2002 looking for information about his grandparents) by the granddaughter of a sister my husband never knew he had and then last year via another site we were contacted by the daughter of another sister my husband never knew he had.
My mother in law never told my husband or his brother that they had two older sisters. I think that my MIL must have suffered a great deal to have kept the birth of her girls secret all her life and I hope she is looking down on all her children knowing that they have found each other.
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Thanks sooo much NettieS, will check this out :)
Liz
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Hello, and welcome to Rootschat.
Just a bit of info you might find useful.
Robert Hornby Cahill was born in Garstang district, which is in the northern part of Lancashire (not Garston, which is in Merseyside). 1911 census shows his birthplace as Myerscough (a village near Garstang). If you don't have current access to Ancestry, you can see a transcript on the
familysearch.org
website. They have his name as Robert Hormby Cahill.
Using the Lancashire BMD website
http://www.lancashirebmd.org.uk/index.php
will show you that Robert Hornby Cahill married Eileen Berwick at Garstang in 1931. The same site will show you that there was a Cahill child with mother's maiden name Berwick , and also a death of Robert Hornby Cahill.
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Thank you also for your help and info Galium, I will check this out......great help. :)
Liz
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Lancashire Evening Post 8 June 1935
Preston Inquest on Calder Vale Man
The Coroner (Col. H Parker) returned a verdict of misadventure at an inquest at Preston Royal Infirmary today, on Robert H Cahill (30) paper mill employee of 3 Vale Cottages, Calder Vale, who died in the Infrmary yesterday, following an operation for a hernia. Death, it was stated, was due to septicemia following the operation.
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DEATHS
CAHILL_on the 6th inst., at the Preston Royal Infirmary, Robert Hornby, the beloved husband of Eileen Cahill, aged 30 years. R.I.P. 3 Vale Terrace, Calder Vale
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That's brilliant Galium, it's all falling into place now-glad I joined this site. My grandma Robert's mum, her dad is down on her marriage certificate as a paper maker, maybe that's how she met her husband. I'll check census with address and keep you informed of my progress.
Thanks once again, would never have found this out, without help given on here. :)
Liz
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Hi there,
Just take things slowly and see how it goes. It takes a long time for all involved to get to know each other. If you reject this meet up it could be regretted in the future. Possibly, it may not work out as expected anyway.
On a personal note I was told in my mid-teens that my dad had been married previously and had another daughter 5 years older than me. Dad had had no contact with her since she was a baby and her mother brought her up.
In the early 1980's my half sister made contact with us and as far as I was concerned it was great and we got on really well and met up and phoned each other often. However, my mother and full sister were not happy with this and made life hell for dad. ( Were they so insecure? ) The outcome was that contact with her was broken with the promise that some time in the future we would meet up again.
All our lives moved on in the next 30 years. My dad passed away in 2005 and my mum in 2010.
This was when I decided to try to find her. Tried everything (knew she had remarried but not her new surname) but no luck. To cut a long story shorter I finally discovered early in 2014 that she had passed away in 2007. Can't even begin to tell you how I felt and still do. All the feelings of a bereavement.
Please give "long lost relatives" a chance for everybodies sake.
Thanks for taking the time to read this folks and excuse me for wearing my "heart on my sleeve"
Dorrie
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Hi,
Sometimes the saying 'Let sleeping dogs lie' is probably quite appropriate.
I and a fellow researcher into our family history found a child adopted out of the family. She is my Aunts first child, illegitimate and I suspect born at very difficult time for my Aunt, her Mother and the family as things were at that time.
My Aunts second child was also born illegitimate, but not adopted out of the family. I thought that
she might be glad to know of a half-sister, in fact possibly even pleased if we were able to find her, although she has never said as much.
Now the alarm bells ring. I wanted to pursue this as far as I can, but perhaps it is not my place to do so and would it cause more distress than happiness.
I am so glad I read this post. Thank You.
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I'm glad my situation seems to be helping others but I'm also saddened to read some of your stories - I really hope and pray that you will one day find those you are looking for, I really do.
Further on from this, we have now found another child adopted at birth, and we are now waiting to see if this child wants to make contact (if they are still alive).
It has also meant that all the "secret" papers that belonged to my grandmother, currently reside in my hands (once I've copied them all, they are being returned to my uncle) and I'm now able to start creating a detailed time line of her life. The only thing that surprised me was the fact she was in the RAF! She never mentioned it at all! Although her reason for leaving was that she was pregnant so I suppose that's why she didn't tell me.
I understand about letting sleeping dogs lie, but I always think that what has happened cannot be changed and those things got us where we are now. I think that's why I didn't really know how I felt when I first started this thread!
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"Letting sleeping dogs lie".
Good point Lisajj.
What you say makes a lot of sense. I will take a step back and re-think.
Thank you. ;D
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I am "letting sleeping dogs lie" ..............
I've been out of the UK since 1967, the child is now over 70 and, even if s/he goes searching for the father, I'm not going to see any messages or stories printed in local newspapers, etc. There are few relations left in that area, all of them even older than I am .......... and if one of them did see something, I can bet that it will be the same as happened in the 1980s. We saw one cousin on a visit back home, and she suddenly said "Oh, there was a piece in the local paper about 2 year ago asking if there were any members of the xxxxxxxx family still living here. Of course, I didn't reply." ??? ::)
She was a member of that family via her mother!!
I'm satisfied in my own mind that I will never know anything more than I do now .......... but I am also satisfied with the knowledge that my own child is aware of the fact that she has another cousin "somewhere" so that the child is not completely lost to the family.
I've never solved the problem in my mind as to whether my brother's 2 surviving children should be told that they have/had a half-sibling.
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Just though I would tell you that my "new" uncle came to see us over the weekend. What a lovely man! We chatted and I showed him all the history that I had. He asked questions, we answered the best we could. I took him around to see the houses his mother had lived in.
I also copied a lot of photos and certificates and info about his mum for him to take home. He was very emotional.
Also, he looked so much like his brother! In fact they could have been twins! So, we are now looking to see if there's anything to show they had the same father.
The bizarre thing is that my grandmother used the same name for both of them. One born and adopted out in 1944 and the other born and kept in 1947.
He said this is not the one and only time he will visit and I went to see him off when he caught his train today.
A very lovely, but emotional weekend.
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I am so glad to hear that the meeting went so well.
It must have been very emotional for him
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My pops used to tell me about visits with his father !!! to see a friend of his Father and her son.
!!!!!! Now nothing definite was proved, but my Father was convinced this other child was his Fathers -- So a half brother.
But I have no more information and no way of tracing him - he would have been born circa 1916 in Leicester and that is all I know.
Not going there allll tooo late, but such a shame.
:-\ :-Xxin