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General => The Common Room => Topic started by: barbaramc on Friday 28 February 14 03:20 GMT (UK)
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I "met" some folks through Ancestry. They are supposed to be descended from my great grand mother and they live in England. My sister went to England last summer and went to diner with them and we have been corresponding. They seem like wonderful people who don't have tons of money. They are also quite old.
They are making a long dreamed of trip to the US, flying into NY and driving cross country and staying with my sister in Phoenix to see the desert and then me for a week or so to tour California. I found out about 6 weeks ago that there was a mistake and we are not related. (I have not changed my Ancestry tree)
It goes without saying that they are welcome at my house and at my sister's. My question to you is, do I ever tell them what I found or do I just forget about it? And if I tell them, when?
I would under no circumstances tell them before they embark on their trip. I'm afraid they would want to skip staying with my sister and me, and having free housing for some part of the trip is what is allowing them to spend as much time touring around a country they have long wanted to visit. I also think they, being as old as they are, like the idea of having local family who can help them if they run into any sort of trouble.
I sort of think it would be fun to go out to diner, toast new friends and then spring the truth on them. On the other hand I think it might be wise to just not say anything. Ever.
what do you all think?
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Hi Barbara,
Well, I see no-one else has replied !! It certainly is an interesting situation to find yourself in. Personally, I would agree with your plan, to enjoy their company, and let them know as a culmination to the visit. Okay, there may be a little disappointment, but I am sure that your welcome and hospitality will certainly compensate for that and they will be delighted to have met you just the same - a friendship which hopefully will last a long time! Not to tell them at all wouldn't be fair in many ways.
Good luck with it all !!
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It's a difficult decision. I would probably wait until after the trip, after all you only found out 6 weeks ago - what if you had found out 6 weeks after they went home.
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Hi
I think you ought to tell them. but after they have returned to England. Let them have their dream holiday first.
What would you do if the situation was reverse? If you were coming to England to see them and found out just before you came that there was no connection? I think I would still do the same. It would be only a little white lie. As they are very old, it must be lovely to find a new family
Carol
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Excellent alternative Jennaya! Maybe see how the visit goes and make a choice then?
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That's what I would do.
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Hi
If you do tell them the truth they will probably be very embarrassed after having accepted your hospitality and maybe even resentful of you for withholding the truth.
Hope all goes well whatever you decide.
Bee
:)
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Given their age...and the thrill and excitement of meeting you and their planned trip....what would you gain from telling them...they may end up feeling deceived and embarrassed....I think I would enjoy their company and say nothing rather than burst their bubble and leave them feeling deflated...sometimes it's kinder to keep the truth to yourself. They can take home some wonderful memories and stories...or they can confess to friends and family that whilst they had a wonderful time...there was no family connection after all.
But...follow your heart and I'm sure you will make the decision that is right for you all.
Good Luck!
Carol
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I agree with Treetotal.
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I certainly wouldn't tell them while they are away from home. Perhaps if you feel
you must, then tell them when they arrive back in the UK. You say you haven't changed
your tree so they don't have to know how long you've known. As Carol says, 'follow your
heart'. Please don't spoil their trip for them...that's my thoughts anyway.
Joy
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what age do you mean
They are also quite old.
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You haven't said why you orginally thought they were related to you and now you know they are not. Is it at all possible they could find out later that you are not related? If the answer to that is 'No' then I wouldn't even tell them.
Enjoy their company, give them a good holiday and wonderful memories of you and your sister and leave it at that.
Rishile
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Thank you all so much for your replies. You can rest assured that I will do nothing to spoil the vacation. I'm kind of excited about the trip myself: Two two elderly adventurers setting out to discover the new world, what a time they will have!!
I worry of course. I keep emailing them that this is a VERY long drive and while they will find helpful friendly people along the way, they will be sitting (driving) for days seeing almost no one. I've made the trip 6 or 7 times and even when I was 22 on my first trip, it hurt getting out of the car sometimes; and these two are 76 and 78. But I've warned them, given them the numbers of all the state police on their way, and told them how to flag down the cops if their phones don't get any reception. I've told them that almost anyone they see will be willing to help them if they say, "I'm visiting from England and I need ....." They have arranged to have every kind of car insurance known to man and a big comfy car. They are competant adults and I have to trust them to handle themselves.
The real bottom line fact is probably that I'm annoyed at my happy-go-lucky sister who is finding relatives all over the world and not checking anything out!! I admit that I sometimes follow my sister around behind pointing out the truth of things and ruining her joy. These folks ended up on the tree during a time when I was dilligently explaining to my sister that we very likely were not descended from some Duke somewhere.
But I hadn't thought about them feeling hurt or deceived. That's a very true point. So. The decision is made. I will not say a word at least till they leave. Then maybe in 6 months or so, I might say something.
Thanks again for all your help. Talking it out with you folks really crystalized my thinking.
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There are a few (If's and But's) ;)
If the couple are also exploring their family history, then there would be no harm in chatting about your reservations/findings. Everyone expects to take a wrong turn somewhere along the line and would welcome a nudge in the right direction. Be honest right from the start and then make sure they have their dream holiday. If it was me, I would respect that approach.
But, if you approached them with the fact that you are related, and they are not into family research, then there would be no gain either way. Just give them a good holiday.
Best regards,
Colin
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I agree with what has been said, don't tell them while they are with you, they would probably be very embarrassed. I think a lot depends on how the relationship was discovered as well - you say it was through Ancestry but did you approach them, or did they approach you?
Perhaps a month or so after their holiday you could say that you have been checking your tree and are concerned about a few things, outline them and ask for their opinion. That way they may come to the same conclusion that there has been a mistake. You can then say how sorry you are that you are not actually related, but pleased that the mistake was made as otherwise you would never have met and become good friends.
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I'd say nothing- let them enjoy themselves.
Maybe they'll eventually stumble on the errors - by which time you'll be their new friends regardless of family links.
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What a very kind hearted person you sound barbaramc. :) You're about to welcome these people into your home and sound like you are really looking forward to it, despite the fact that you now know that they are not related.
I agree that you certainly shouldn't enlighten them while they are with you - even though it will be a fantastic trip for them anyway I think it might take the shine off it a little. Having met them and got to know them you'll be able to then judge how they would take the news and if you decide to tell them, you'll know the best way to break it to them.
Is there no possibilty that you have a more remote connection? Did this couple assume that your sister was right or had their own research led them to this too?
I must say they sound like fantastic people, undertaking such an adventure.I'm sure you'll get on well and I hope you have a wonderful time together. Do let us know how it goes won't you?