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General => The Common Room => The Lighter Side => Topic started by: Rishile on Sunday 21 July 13 11:37 BST (UK)
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I am now 98% certain I have found a half-brother that I have never met.
I am now 85% certain I want to contact him.
But... it's so hard to know what to say.
Dear X - Hi, This may come as a surprise but I think I'm your half-sister
Dear X - Hi, My father's name was YY - I believe your father's name was also YY
Dear X - Hi, My mother told me I had a half-brother and I think I'm certain it may be you.
Dear X - Hi, My father talked about you all the time and never forgot you (a complete lie!!). He was a wonderful man (Hmm) and would have married your mother if my mother had let him have a divorce (probably true).
So, what do you say? What if I write to him and he doesn't reply? What if I write to him and he does reply? What if he wants to meet me? What if he doesn't want to meet me? What happens if I meet him and don't like him (it wouldn't be the first person in my family I don't like). Do I put this on the back-burner and think about it for another few years?
How do you deal with this? Has anyone done this and what were the results?
??? ??? ???
Rishile
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Rishile, contact him, as far as I'm concerned there isn't an inside track or some special wisdom on this, all I would say is that what you don't know, you don't know. Good luck and listen to the other posters to gain a balanced view.
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Rishile, in the words of an advertising jingle - if you never never go there, you'll never ever know.
The first meeting will no doubt be a bit fragile, like an adoptee meeting their birth parent.
Why don't you contact him saying you believe you have mutual relatives, without saying just what, and when you meet him you'll soon work out what to say and when to say it.
But as you say, be prepared for him not to want to know, too. This may just be an initial reaction from him - the great unknown, sort of thing. And later, hopefully, it will all work out.
Dawn M
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Contact as you will always wonder what if ?
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A lot may depend on whether or not he already knows that he has a half sister or whether it comes as a complete surprise to him. If it is the former, he may have already been looking for you or his father. If the latter it might take him some time to adjust to the news, especially if he was brought up as another man's son.
I think I would write to him rather than telephone contact, to give him time to decide what to do. All you can do then is hope that he wants to make contact. Hopefully you will then find a whole new set of relations complete with nieces and nephews. Good luck, I hope it works out well.
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When I've tried to make contact with relatives, I've always enclosed a stamped addressed envelope and asked them to return the envelope - empty - in the event that they don't want to make contact. I've never yet received an empty envelope ;D ;D
Go for it - if you don't ask the question, you'll never receive an answer!!! And GOOD LUCK.
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Thank you for all the advice. I particularly like the idea of the SAE and return it empty if they are not interested.
I have no idea if he knows about me as my father never spoke about him and I only found out about him from my mother just before I married.
You are all right - if I don't contact him, I'll never know.
But, boy, it's scary.
Rishile
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I've not been in this situation myself (on either side) but I have a bit of "proxy" experience.
From my doing a friend's tree, I was then contacted by a 1/2 sister that she knew nothing about.The new 1/2 sister did know (obvs!) about my friend and other family members, but with a relatively common surname involved, hadn't known how to track them down. It came to me to break the news to my friend and various members of her family have reacted in very different ways, positive and negative.
I think it can be very difficult - the person who makes the contact may have known and been thinking about it for a long time. They may feel they have a lot to say and/or ask. The person who is contacted, on the other hand, may know nothing of this; they may experience it as a bolt out of the blue. They may be very upset to discover that their family and world view is not what they had always thought it to be. And the person making contact can be quite upset if friendly overtures are not reciprocated, especially if they have been psyching themselves up for a while to make contact!
I'd say - contact if you feel you need to. But be very careful and gentle about how you do so, be prepared for the possibility of rejection, and be prepared to pull back again at any time if feelings (yours or theirs) seem to make it necessary. And remember, the other person's view of your shared family members may be unrecognisable to you!
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I would write to him, with a SAE as Bumble suggests. But I would just say " I am the daughter of XX and believe we are related" If he knows of his biological father he will recognise the name, if not, you may get the chance to correspond or set up a meeting. Best of luck. ;)
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Lots of great advice from everyone as usual Rishile :) whatever you decide to do I wish you the very best of luck ;D
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Thank you again for all your advice. For once I'm clearer now than I was before I posted.
I am slowly forming a letter to send him (I can't face phoning him) so I'll let you all know how I get on.
Thanks again
Rishile
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When you've finished the letter, leave it a couple of days and then re-read it before posting.
Hope all goes well, let us know.
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I don't know if you made contact yet or not but I do have personal experience of this and found I had a half sister I knew nothing about. I wasn't aware of another sibling but through some unexplained papers and an off the cuff remark from my gran, who wouldn't then say any more, I decided it was worth investigating. All I had to go on was an address of a farm and the name of my mother's first husband. I wrote a short letter explaining that I was researching into my family history and was writing to everyone of that surname in that area (only 12 people). Eventually, last of all my half sister replied and the contact was made.
I agree with everything that has been said by other posters, the SAE is a great idea and not being specific about him being your brother is also good, it may make him more curious rather than shocked, if he doesn't know.
Also, everyone has given good comments on the outcomes which could happen. The only warning I would give is from my own point of view. Our first meeting went very well, we met half way between our homes at a pub for lunch (with our husbands). After more meetings it became clear that we had nothing in common and she craved more attention from and of my family, than we were prepared to give. We don't see each other any more and only exchange cards, the good thing to come out of it was that she got to meet our mother before she died.
I hope for your sake that it works, I was so excited about having a sister, but be prepared that it may not, although I would say keep that thought well in the background, because it's more likely to work out than not. Good Luck :)
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I have not had any experience of this eitherbut do have a comment .... the SAE is a good idea, however one thing that may be of concern is if the person was initially shocked at the news and decided to return the letter empty. Then after a time for the news to sink in, they changed their mind and decided that they would like to make contact. They would have no way to contact you, and you would never know that they changed their mind and wished to make contact.
For this reason I am wondering if an email might be a better idea (if you have their email address of course)?
A lot of people these days may not feel comfortable writing a letter (depending on their age) and email is a lot less formal and it is acceptable to just write a short reply if that is all you wish to write.
Just a couple of thoughts on the subject ... :)
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. Then after a time for the news to sink in, they changed their mind and decided that they would like to make contact. They would have no way to contact you, and you would never know that they changed their mind and wished to make contact
Surely unless they threw the letter away as well, they would have the address on that?
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Have you thought about approaching intermediaries, such as the Salvation Army? They do a lot of tracking of living relatives and they may have good advice on how to word a letter and so on.
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. Then after a time for the news to sink in, they changed their mind and decided that they would like to make contact. They would have no way to contact you, and you would never know that they changed their mind and wished to make contact
Surely unless they threw the letter away as well, they would have the address on that?
Possibly, but you can't rely on people keeping old letters ... especially if it is a sensitive subject.
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Hello Rishile, I searched for many years to find a half-brother who didn't know I existed. He was young when his parents divorced and his Mother would never tell him anything at all about his Father. He grew up all his life thinking he was an only child with no half-sibs or step sibs. I sent him a letter with a SAE telling him who I was and our connection; in the letter I also included my phone number and my e-mail. As soon as he got my letter he immediately contacted me by e-mail and set up a time to call me long distance. ;D He was in tears when I told him of all the family he had and never knew existed. Since then, he has met MANY of his "new" family and is positively thrilled and continues to include them in his family gatherings. I would encourage you to send that letter with SAE, your phone number and your e-mail so as to give him any options he desires. Good luck! Pat
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Rishile, life is too short to be embarrassed or hesitant about this. How many times have Rootschatters said 'I wish I had met ..... but it's too late now.' The worst that can happen is a negative reaction - sad, but at least you will know you tried, and maybe in time he might reconsider. The SAE idea is brilliant + phone number and /or email info, so you know you've covered all possibilities.
Good luck.
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I found the name and address of a half-sister from my father's second marriage. She had never been told he had been married before and I sent her a copy of the marriage certificate. We met, her and her twin brother, just once at a pub for lunch.
There was not a lot in common - the divorce occurred when I was 5 and then the war came. I only saw my father once after that when I was 6. So for me he was just my biological father, for them he was their Dad.
We never spoke again - there were a few cards that's all. The brother was quite opposed to any further contact.
So, do not expect a wonderful welcome - all will depend on what sort of person your half-sibling is - needy, withdrawn, outgoing, self-sufficient..
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A daughter I had adopted when I was only 19 found me and we are still in touch, however, although my sons from my marriage were happy that we had met again, and one of them and his wife have met her and are also still in touch with her, my daughter from my marriage is adamant she wants nothing to do with her and refuses even to discuss her. As my adopted daughter doesn't even live in the UK, it makes things more difficult. I think if she did live in UK and we were able to meet up frequently, then my daughter may well have met her and changed her mind about not wanting to know someone who is, in effect, her half sister.
Good luck with your quest to establish contact.
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Thank you for all your replies. I have been on holiday for a week so have not been able to reply t this thread. However, I have been able to take time out to think this through and discuss it with my OH.
I wrote a letter before my holiday but haven't posted it yet (as suggested). I had also thought about the SAE and email address. Hopefully that will cover all angles.
One thing that worries me though - well two things. My father passed away 15 years ago and I don't know if my half-brother knows that. I'm not sure how to word that in my original letter. i.e. My father was.... my father had... etc. Also, I'm worried in case my half-brother saw my father more than I am aware. I would be very hurt if my father continued seeing this man's mother when he had returned to my mother.
There are so many un-answered questions and - thanks to you RC'ers - some have been answered.
So, here goes nothing and I'll send the letter after the weekend. I'll let you know what happens.
Rishile
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Practically speaking, it is difficult to give sound advice because all human situations are different.
I have three half brothers, one through the man my mother remarried, one from a woman my father remarried, and one I never knew about from a woman to whom my father was previously married.
The first is handicapped, it seems unlikely that I will ever see him again. Most probably, against what would have been his late mother's wishes he has been removed from the home in which his mother placed him before her death and it is difficult to find his where-abouts
Good luck in your endeavours.
I have met the brother (from my fathers last marriage) three years ago at a meeting with his mother and grandmother. It seemed a remarkably surreal occasion.
In spite of exchange of telephone numbers e-mail address none of the family have attempted to maintain contact.
Unfortunately, the grandmother is very ill and this may be preoccupying the daughter and her son.
How met my elder half brother is told here. http://www.therecord.com/news-story/2616521-strangers-yet-brothers/
He visited me a short wile ago, and, if such a thing exists, we seem to have settled into a normal amicable family relationship
In spite of the variability of human situations, I think if you are curious, you should seek to make contact now. I missed the chance of contacting a great aunt on my grandfather's side, the only person who could have told me much about my late grandfather's brothers, when I heard through her great niece (who had contacted me for the first time) that she had died the week previously.
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Yes, it happened to me 12 years ago ! On my other sisters 65th Birthday, she told me that I had another half sister ! So, I set out to find her. In 1 week, I found 3 Aunties, 2 Uncles, 3 cousins I knew nothing about, then within 8 weeks, found my sister !!! I used another member of the "new " family as a middleman. I gradually traced the new family until I was talking to her. She knew of me, but because her Mum had told her lies of my Dad, well then , she never was interested in finding me out. I got lucky. An old new Aunt got someone in the area to find her and it turned out that she went to Bingo with her every week ! So, she approached her and asked whether she knew of me, and if she did, was she open to me phoning her. The rest is history ! We corresponded gradually 4 months until a holiday was due to me, so I took the opportunity to go and see her. My husband wanted to go with me, but I felt that if she rejected me, well then I could just go into a corner on my own and cry, and didn't want him saying, " I told you so! " When we saw one another, we bonded straight away, 50 years of me not knowing that I had a sister ! She lives up North whereas I live Midlands so not always able to see her, but I am in contact with her family. It was in the newspaper both up there and here ! Such an amazing experience ! I got to see a family I never knew I had got , to meet new Aunts, Uncle, nieces, nephews . They are a lovely family and welcomed me into it like I'd never been out of it ! We all had a family re-union in Newcastle; new cousin came from Canada, Aunt from Edinburgh, sister from Carlisle, and me ! Swapping photos, contacts, never stopped crying ALL DAY ! Cousin in Canada had done a family tree from 1570 and her Dad knew of me, so she sent it me together with all of the family stories!!! Magical! When I was put in contact with her, she was telling me things about my Grandma I never knew, weird that a stranger was telling me that !
So, I say, good luck. If you don't do it, it might one day be too late ! My sister is now 72, she might have been dead, and I would have kicked myself if I hadn't of done it !
Let me know how you get on, I will be thinking about you.
Best Wishes.
Angela x
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You say that they make it look easy. But all we see is the final product. They have a whole team of researchers looking for these people. And all we see are the success stories, I am sure they do not get results every time...
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Angela - Thank you for telling us your heartwarming story.
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It was a pleasure ! Every person is different though, that was just my story, but if there's one thing in my life that I have NEVER REGRETTED, it's that....to contact my sister. Anyone else reading this, hope that whoever you are, wherever you are, then you can hopefully find that LAST BIT OF THE JIGSAW as they say ! :)
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After a very nerve-wracking week I came home today to find a letter. I now know it is my half-brother and he was very shocked to discover he has a half-sister. He knew nothing about me and all he knew about my father was his name. He doesn’t know he has a half-brother yet so another shock in store for him.
He wants to keep in contact but it seems he wants to take is slowly which is fine by me.
So, all’s well that ends well – except it hasn’t ended yet - it's just started.
Thanks for all your advice and convincing me it was the right thing to do.
Rishile
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That's wonderful news! So glad you decided to do it.
Thank you for letting us know.
Pat
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Wow, wonderful news that you have at last traced your brother. Yes, I can understand why he wants to take it slowly, that was why I took so long to see my sister, we phoned and exchanged letters for about 4 months before our meeting, we got to know about each of our families.
Yes, as you say, now this is the start, not the ending. Good luck .
Angela
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This thread was interesting and even up-lifting in parts... but who are Nicky and Davina?
Paul
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who are Nicky and Davina?
Nicky Campbell and Davina McCall, who present Long Lost Family on ITV1. :)
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From the tv programme "Long Lost Family" where they unite family members eg people who have been adopted. www.rootschat.com/links/0vq0/
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Content removed
Moderator Comment: Davina McCall was not adopted (see below).
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Davina wasn't adopted
http://www.whodoyouthinkyouaremagazine.com/episode/davina-mccall
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Oh beg pardon ! No she wasn't !
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Ah, the dreaded 'telly' - should have known! ;D
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Hi. I have found reading all your stories very interesting. I have found that my father has a half-sister, who we would love to try to make contact with. We have to find her first though - all I know is that she left England for Canada in the 40's.
Keep us updated on how it goes!
Toffee :)
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I am so thrilled I can't stop smiling ;D ;D ;D
I received a phone call last night from my 'new' brother. It was so good to hear him. We chatted for about an hour before we both started to get a bit emotional. I think we both had a few doubts but they have now been wiped away by that call. We are now making some plans to meet soon. Originally he wanted to take things very slowly and seemed reluctant to meet me but now we can't wait. It seems as if we have known each other for years.
I am so pleased I took all your advice so thank you all again, and again, and again and I will keep you informed.
Rishile (still smiling) ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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That's really news, thank you for sharing.
Hope all goes well for the future.
Dawn
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I am so thrilled I can't stop smiling ;D ;D ;D
I received a phone call last night from my 'new' brother. It was so good to hear him. We chatted for about an hour before we both started to get a bit emotional. I think we both had a few doubts but they have now been wiped away by that call. We are now making some plans to meet soon. Originally he wanted to take things very slowly and seemed reluctant to meet me but now we can't wait. It seems as if we have known each other for years.
I am so pleased I took all your advice so thank you all again, and again, and again and I will keep you informed.
Rishile (still smiling) ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Ahhhh, how lovely to hear that ! Those words you spoke were similar to mine ! The emotions will carry on until you meet him, and then the day you do , will feel like your marriage and births of your children rolled into one !!!!
Please pass on to your brother my very best wishes too, and to you both I say , long may it continue to be a very happy relationship ! I am so delighted for you !
Angela
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How lovely to hear your news! I'm sure your meeting with your brother will be very emotional but also wonderful too.
Pat
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That is brilliant news, I hope all goes well.
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So happy for you both.
Lizzie
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Thank you for all your good wishes. I knew you would all understand how exciting this is for me.
To suddenly find a brother in your later years is wonderful. To actually like him is even better. Part of me wants to keep it all to myself and part of me wants to climb to the highest rooftop and scream and shout. So many emotions after such nerve-wracking beginnings.
Thank you all again for helping me through this major change in my life
Rishile
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Have you also discovered nieces and nephews? Might make Christmas a bit more expensive this year. ;D ;D
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Have you also discovered nieces and nephews? Might make Christmas a bit more expensive this year. ;D ;D
Yes, a sister-in-law and two grown-up nephews. Christmas? Bring it on ;D
Rishile
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Thanks for the great update, so pleased to hear it went well. Good luck for your meeting - very exciting!!
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For anyone who is interested - Saturday is 'meeting day'.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to stop this nervous feeling?
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Rishile
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Presumably you'll be taking someone with you to the meeting. When I met my adopted daughter (that is the one I gave up for adoption) for the first time since she was 10 days old, it was nerve-wracking for both of us. My husband was with me and she had a friend with her. Once we met though it was fine.
Good luck and enjoy the rest of your life with your brother.
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For anyone who is interested - Saturday is 'meeting day'.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how to stop this nervous feeling?
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Rishile
I'd guess that your brother is feeling just as nervous as you are!
I do hope it all goes well. I'm sure it will!
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Hi Rishile,
Just been reading these posts for the first time and wanted to wish you all the very best for your meeting with your brother on Saturday.
Hope you'll let us know how it all went.
Cheers
Barbara.
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No, you will feel sick and wonder whether you've done right thing, you'll wonder what he's like, all those things......it's part of the process, so just go with the flow. You'll see, it will be just fine, you've already done the groundwork and talked to him over the phone for a long time. I bought a " sister" card that I'd personalized and took my picture album of my family. Don't forget the camera !!!
I will be thinking of you and enjoy your brother. Please let us know how you got on. Are his ears burning ? :)
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Thank you everyone. I'm really excited but very nervous and I know he is too. Maybe he is more nervous than me but I don't know how he can be. ;D
Our respective spouses will be with us but, hopefully, they will give us some time to just be on our own for a while.
I suppose this is what I was hoping for when I started this. I will let you know how things go.
Rishile
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Emotionally drained but very, very happy.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Rishile
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What a fantastic outcome! I was wondering how it went, very pleased it was so good.
Pat
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Hello Rishile, I have been following your story and just wanted to say how pleased I am for you. You were very brave to take that first step so you deserved your good outcome. :)
Best wishes
Katharine
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Glad to hear it went well!! Good for you! :)
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Hi Rushile,
Yippee,
Barbara.
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Tell us when your nerves aren't so frayed ! Glad it went ok. Thought of you . xx
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Thank you for all thinking of me. You Rc'ers really are a great lot.
I won't go in to huge detail about our meeting but now I've calmed down a bit I will just say that anyone who is thinking of doing something like this - DO IT!!
But, only do it if you are doing it for the right reasons. I should think it would be very painful for all concerned if you do it for the wrong ones.
Also, take things slowly and make sure everyone concerned is ready for each stage and give everyone (including spouses) the chance to walk away from it if it doesn't feel right. Follow your instincts and be honest with each other at all times.
I am so happy I have found my brother and know we will be together for a long time now. And, yes - I said 'brother' even though it is officially 'half-brother' but that's how we both feel.
Thank you all again so very much. I couldn't have done it without your support
Rishile
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It does help when you have some people who have been through it. I found my friends birth mum after having experience of me finding my sister, I was the intermediary in that as I could draw from obviously experience .
Good luck in whatever you do with you new brother, take care.
Angela x
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Rishile
So glad for you - and your brother!
:) :) :) :)
Dawn M