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General => The Common Room => The Lighter Side => Topic started by: MonicaL on Saturday 23 June 12 22:11 BST (UK)
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We spend such a long time researching BMDs in a past tense, but when they are real like a death and a funeral, how do we react?
My lovely neighbour, of sixteen years, has died following a long battle with cancer. I have been asked by her family to do the main reading at her funeral next Thursday. I have been asked to find the reading (which I have, a lovely poem for sure which is one of my favourites and perfect) but I read it now and howl...how will I cope on Thursday when I am standing up and reading this? I don't want to let her family or her down :'(
All advice welcome!
Monica :)
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Hi Monica
No easy answer I'm afraid. I have been to a lot of funerals lately - 6 in the past 7mths and have been amazed at how people have handled this type of request.
From readings/poems to personal eulogies, apart from a "gulp" in the middle of the odd one or two, nobody has broken down. That includes immediate family members who must find it harder than others.
I think when you are practicing in the privacy of your own home - it's very easy to become emotional, but I think you will surprise yourself on Thursday at the actual event and handle it differently
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Hi Monica, I think Carole is right.
At funerals I always cry more than anyone else, even if I barely knew the person - I can't help crying when someone else does, which can be really embarrassing.
When my father died, even though there was so much I wanted to say, I refused to speak at the funeral service as I couldn't stop sobbing.
Both my siblings spoke, and as the service was about to conclude, I realised I had to get up and speak for him, as if I didn't I would always regret it, and there was so much I wanted to say.
Once I got behind the microphone I was absolutely fine, so relieved to be able to do it, and so proud of him, and of myself.
I don't think it matters anyway if you do show emotion - you're human, and you care.
All the best, and a few deep breaths!
Caroline.
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Monica,
All I can offer is to be brave, and focus on what you are reading. Take the time as you take a breath to look around the room, without actually looking AT anyone. This technique is useful for any public speaking, but especially so for such a sad occasion.
I have had to do two eulogies in my time. My grandmother's was a little easier, if that's possible, as she was 97, and had been in an hospice for some time. The upsetting thing for me was that none of her children, my older brother, and my older cousins would get up and speak. I thought this was terrible, so I offered to do it.
My mother-in-law passed away suddenly last year, and once again family members all shied away from speaking. I thought it appropriate to do it myself, as I actually worked with her before she became my mother-in-law, so I had a unique perspective. Unlike my grandmother's eulogy, I could not find the right words to write, so on the day I simply stood up and spoke from the heart. I think this helped me get through it as well.
Whatever you do, good luck in what is a difficult task.
Darren
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Hi Monica,
Its a tough subject. I know that you specified poem reading but perhaps my experience can help a bit.
When my bro died I spoke at his funeral. His death came hard to me as we were best friends as well as siblings. I cried buckets for months afterwards.
He had struggled 2 years with cancer treatments and his death was a release from that.
I tried to concentrate on the thought that he was free from the suffering he went through.
I wrote and rewrote my little speech trying to talk of funny incidents that showed his personality in a good light, and I found a song he loved and read the words. Not a sad song - because he wasn't a sad person.
His grieving teenagers and wife were sitting directly in front of me when I got up to speak.
Suddenly I found myself speaking straight to them.
I read my script as I knew what I wanted to say exactly, and didn't want to leave anything out from nerves.
My grieving audience were actually laughing and remembering the "good old days" of his childhood and early adulthood.
The tone of the service was changed and it became more a celebration of his life with others wanting to come up the front and tell a story about him as well.
At the wake we laughed and joked about those things unique to him personally. Sad hearts were lifted up instead of being saddened.
There is plenty of time for that in the coming months, as we all know.
Maybe you know some funny or unique little incidents from the workplace that her family have never heard which show your friend in a special way. You might be able to include one with your poem.
I also, like the others responding here, believe it is better to cry in the middle of it, if that's what your heart wants.
She is someone you all loved and will miss. Tears fall copiously at funerals because the realization sets in that its a forever goodbye.
At my aunties funeral they played Time to say Goodbye. A beautiful song, but now, regardless of where I am (supermarket, car, restaurant) I burst into tears, when I hear it.
I know this is a funny little thing to put at the end, but sometimes if I take a Panadol tablet before something difficult, it calms me down a bit. A little trick my Dad taught me.
I hope it all goes well.
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I do wish you well with this difficult task. My husband is, sadly, one who leaps to speak at these things, and always manages to get tearful ... we can tell it's going to happen when he starts doing "The Lip Thing" ... with the result that his family now specifically ask him to remain seated!
I agree with the Panadol suggestion (hint; never do anything stressful like this on an empty stomach, either!), and the idea of mentioning funny things you remember, ... because I personally believe a funeral should be a celebration of the person's life, and not a wallowing.
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I agree with Deb - try to turn the funeral into a celebration of the person's life.
Remember the good times, and the funny times - remember them with joy in your heart.
Anytime somebody dies, it is a sad occassion, but try to remember the person that they were.
Hope this helps.
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Hi Monica,
public speaking is always difficult but a eulogy is the most dificult.
As I'm a migrain suferer I always have valium on hand, that helps by taking the edge off of emotions. (a stiff drink might work as well.)
Read your poem and have a darn good cry NOW. Then at the time concentrait on something else.
The only time I had to speak at a funeral was for a dear friend who had been ill for such a short time that her death was still quiet unreal. But I took my time when I got to the podium, looked about the chapel for a focal point, and noticed there was small gap at the top of one of the back doors where sunlight was coming in. I didn't see it as some sort of sign or anything, just that the gap was there and maybe the door was crooked or poorly hung. Having something mundane to look at when I started to feel teary helped a great deal. Just take it slowly and stop to take a big breath when you need it. But don't be afraid, everyone else is feeling the same emotions and will give you strength.
Best wishes,
Leonie.
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Thank you all so much for all the heartfelt comments, experiences and advice.
I will take all of your advice (the practice, the breathing, the not so empty tummy and perhaps some valium - if I can find some!).
I have been going into her home twice a day, feeding her cat who is very confused by life and howling for ever, for the last 5 weeks - she was at our local hospice for three weeks before her death. Her presence is all around so still feel very much as if she is 'in the next room' of her house.
Her sons are taking the cat to a cat home today. Things will be easier from that I would imagine.
Thank you all again :)
Monica
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Just one more thing to add to the excellent advice on this thread: nobody will mind a bit if you shed a tear or need to take a deep breath during your reading. You will have the most understanding of audiences.
Sympathies to you at this difficult time - I have done this three times in four years (the first two for grandparents, the most recent for a dear friend) and I know how very hard it is.
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Hi MonicaL
I'm sorry to hear of your recent loss. What a honour to be asked to do a reading at your neighbour's celebration.
I don't know about you, but as I get older, I find that I cry much more easily than I ever did before - even reading this thread did it to me.
I've tried & tried to find a way around it. I agree with a little something in the stomach, an over-the-counter muscle relaxant (or a drink but not both ;)), and if you feel the tears start coming, try looking up. It seems to block the tear ducts a wee bit.
I agree with the others though .... it doesn't matter if you shed some tears. Everyone will understand.
Good luck. I'll be thinking of you on Thursday.
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If all else fails - as it did at a funeral I attended last week - pass the words to the vicar, who will finish it for you.
Knowing that someone else is on hand to do that will probably mean that you will not need them.
meles
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It is such a hard subject isn't it :-\
The cat has now gone today. I won't ever have to go back into the house again really and I think that will help.
I know the priest (RC funeral) very well and helped the family connect with him, knowing how much my neighbour liked him. Managed also to get him to see her at the hospice a couple of days before she passed.
Thursday, not long now. Four days....and then I can breath out again!
Monica
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Try not to think of Thursday as something to dread.
I'm sure the family wouldn't mind if you started by saying something special about your friend, or sharing a funny story with them, to make everyone smile and relax, including you.
That helped a lot for me - talking about some of the naughty stories my father told me, which made us all laugh; it should be a celebration rather than a gloomy day.
Caroline.
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You are so brave. I could not get up and say a word at my mother's. Yet just last weekend I had to stand up and say a speech for my sister's 50th, And thought I would be safe saying a little about our mother, bad move, still had a little tear come to my eyes.
Keep it short and light, best of luck.
Suzy W
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Thank you both :) Caroline, you are of course right when you say a funeral should be a celebration of someone's life. Suzy, good thoughts are always in our head aren't they (I still cry openly if I talk about my father - and he died when I was just a child).
The weather for Thursday is a wonderful balmy mid 20s - a good sign!
Monica
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A quick note to everyone who helped with their thoughts and advice....
The funeral was this afternoon. A really emotional and eventful funeral (but those are other stories for other times...) but I remembered everyone's advice (yes, I even managed to find some mild valium ::)) and I held it together until the last line.
I was positively calm compared to the family members who followed (and felt such a daft one for worrying beforehand as a result, where actually the hard part was for her immediate family).
I feel shattered now but it is done.
Thank you all for your comments, they really helped and didn't make me feel quite so daft for feeling as I did :-*
Monica
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Glad you got through it OK Monica.
I'm sure all who gave you advice will agree that we're all here to help each other in all things, not just Family History.
Leonie.
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Thanks for letting us know how it went Monica. I'm thinking of you as I know these things don't end on the day of the life's celebration. Take good care of yourself.
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My uncle's was recently
Try to control what you think of - be aware of the trend your feelings are going
There is plenty of time to grieve outside the funeral
It can be tough though
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Very true, Stonechat. Thank you so much for your thoughts :)
Monica
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Yes indeed, the grieving goes on, and you have to let yourself do that - not let others tell you that you should be over it by now! ::)
I've come a bit late to this, but I had to speak at my stepmother's funeral and was really worried about keeping it together. What helped me more than anything was that our Rector, who was a lovely man who I really appreciated, stood quietly behind me, at my shoulder. It was a comforting, strong presence and it gave me strength to get through what I wanted to say. It is really worth while having someone do this for you.
MarieC