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General => The Common Room => Topic started by: Bigclick on Tuesday 01 November 11 17:05 GMT (UK)
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Hi,
My sister pointed out a public profile from facebook. The picture is a dead ringer for my brother and his name was my family name and it matched my cousin who i have never met. There was also an email address in the public profile so I sent off the following email...
Hello XXXX,
You’re features resemble my own YYYY family and you may be my cousin.
I am currently doing some Family History research and would like confirmation that you are the same XXXX YYYY who’s mother was AAAA BBBB?
I have detailed information on the YYYY pedigree so let me know if you would like any further information.
Kind regards,
Ray YYYY
his response was ....
"GO AWAY!"
I felt a little hurt, but mostly confused as to why I got such an emphatic shun from such a polite approach. Its not like I did any digging, his name and email address is in the public profile.
Anyone have any idea why such a vitriolic response?
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some people are horrible i dont think you would want him in your family any way
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There are lots of reasons why relatives don't wish to be contacted and often we never find out what the problem was (long-standing family fued between two branches, person has decided they want no contact with the rest of their family, etc.). It's even possible the person was not your relative (just because he looks like your brother and shares a family name doesn't mean there's a blood relationship) and doesn't wish to hear from strangers.
Years ago in high school there were 2 people with the same surname. Someone asked if they were related- she said 'yes' and he said 'no' but she explained that their grandfather's were brothers. Next day he came into class and said (in front of everyone) 'I asked my mother if we are related and she said no because your father's illegitimate (not the word he used).'
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I felt a little hurt, but mostly confused as to why I got such an emphatic shun from such a polite approach. Its not like I did any digging, his name and email address is in the public profile.
Anyone have any idea why such a vitriolic response?
Just remember him for the future. Remember "Revenge is a dish best served cold!"
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Thanks, some good comments, his dad ran out from the family home about two weeks after he was born so maybe thats something to do with it. I do think its him, age, looks location and if it isnt him I would be very surprised.
Anyway, revenge is!, a dish best served cold, and as the saying goes "I know where you live"..... I do, I looked him up in 192 :-)
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Next move "The horse's head" then the offer-----
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Why put himself in the pulic domain if he did n't want people to contact him, whether he's a rel or not! May be he might contact you in the future to do with family history! Then you'll have to decide wwhether to bother or not.
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Try putting yourself in his shoes. His Dad deserted his wife and child (only 2 weeks old!! ). How did they survive? What trauma did they go through? Would they be bitter against him?
Then you get a message from one of his family wanting to make contact.
Please don't knock him. If you are talking about a youngish person then I would suggest you just leave things as they are, but an older generation might be less hardened, so try taking a more sympathetic approach by saying how much you also resent and despise his Dad's actions, and that you would really like to make contact to try and heal old wounds.
Colin
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Hi Bigclick
From what you say, this cousin has your family surname so his dad is your uncle who deserted his wife and 2 week old child and your wondering why you got a vitriolic response? Quite frankly if it had been me the response would have been unprintable.
Andy
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Your initial post did not mention the person (if the correct one) was abandoned as an infant but after hearing that detail it's not surprising they might not want any contact with their father's family.
At most all you can do at the moment is just send a message saying something like 'I'm sorry but please do get in touch if you should change your mind" and then leave it at that.
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i totally agree with aghadowey. i think the best thing to do would be to email him again, and explain as kindly as you can that you dont want to drag up the past to much, but if he should ever want to talk to you that you are available.
if this guy is young then it might also be that he is in a difficult position with regards to how his mother will take the news. my own cousin in her 60's now can still not talk to her mother about the man who is her father, in fact she hasnt told her mum that her and me are in contact because of the hurt it may cause her mother.
hopefully one day this guy may get back in contact and want to get to know you, for now i would email him an apology for intruding and let him know you wont force the issue.
good luck
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At most all you can do at the moment is just send a message saying something like 'I'm sorry but please do get in touch if you should change your mind" and then leave it at that.
I also agree, given the circumstances - either don't say anything, or send a simple message as suggested by aghadowey.
Redroger - talk of 'revenge' is rather silly ::)
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His response was still rude. He should have either completely ignored Ray, or simply said that he was "not interested, please do not contact again."
It's not like any of these events in the family in the past were Ray's fault ... After all just because his father abandoned him doesn't mean the other members of the family approved of the father's actions ....
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totally agree rustie the response was not how it should have been, sadly we arent all brought up with manners. ::)
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his response was ....
"GO AWAY!"
I think you should respect his wishes and make no further contact.
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I also agree, given the circumstances - either don't say anything, or send a simple message as suggested by aghadowey.
Redroger - talk of 'revenge' is rather silly ::)
Jen You did of course have the advantage over me in that the circumstances were not mentioned until after I had made my light hearted posts, had I known I would have adopted a different line of argument.