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General => The Common Room => The Lighter Side => Topic started by: sharonf73 on Thursday 22 March 07 16:09 GMT (UK)
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Hi
I wondered if anyone can give me a bit of advice?
Just over a year ago I searched in google a name of someone that married into my family. A hit came back which was a noticeboard. I contacted the person who put in the request and she did get back to me and seemed excited that I had contacted her. We did have a match and she sent me info and I returned some info. Then I heard nothing. I sent a courtesy email asking if she had received the information, but I never got a reply.
Then about three weeks ago I received a contact through Genes Reunited. As soon as I saw who sent it I knew it was the same person (asking about the same relative I originally contacted her with). Looking at her message to me I realised she hadn't made the connection that it was myself. Although still feeling a bit miffed that she went quiet on me I decided to reply back, a nice one!, and started off saying it was good to hear from her again, but I had not found out any more on that line since our last correspondence and wished her well. I also told her I'm still at the same email address (gave the add) and asked her to contact me again.
Again, I've heard nothing. Now my mind is going wild with why's!! My relative (my dad's aunt) who married into her family is a bit of a mystery and now I'm thinking is there more to it that I or my living family know? But if this is the case why blank me? Maybe my message was the kind you don't need to reply to but if it was the other way round I know I would have, especially if it was someone I had previously been in touch with - I know we are all different though!
I am unsure whether to write to her again and basically ask why has she for the second time blanked me. After all will I have anything else to lose? I don't think I'm that bothered whether we keep in touch, I just don't like people doing this to me without any explanation, but it would also be nice to know about my great aunt who is a mystery.
Has anyone else come across this situation before and what did you do?
Sharon (sorry didn't mean this entry to be so long!!) ::)
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Hello I know the feeling have had three diferent contacts do the same to me. Is not very nice! al b
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Just to say this happens a lot ... well it has with me !
Some folk are just not as interested or as hooked ... so frustrating as we know there is a wealth of information to be had from different parts of the family
Cal 8)
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Thanks for your replies. It just surprised me as she seemed so excited with the initial contact and now to do this to me twice ....
Now decided she's not worth having in my familiy!! :D And I'll keep looking, there is plenty of us out there, I just need to find them!
Sharon
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Sharon
Don't take it personally....it happens all the time. I've been in touch with various cousins and sent them everyhing I know. When I've asked questions about their side of the family, all has gone quiet!
There are others with whom I share everything and they do in return so I suppose there is a kind of balance. Frustrating though isn't it?
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I very rarely come accross any contacts and when I do, I'm just sooo excited that I think I come on too strong. I do think that people are ever so excited by the first contact and then it becomes the 'norm.' :-\
I do think your contact is being very rude in not responding, so would you want to keep in contact with this person?
I would have already offered to travel 200 miles and take you out for lunch, but as I wrote.... I get a bit carried away ;)
When you have found the absolute golden nugget of your family tree, take great delight in not informing your very rude contact ;D
Or count your blessings that you don't have a stalker like me ;D ;) :o
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Wheeldon - any chance of us finding a connection if you are willing to travel 200 miles to go out for lunch! ;D
I always (I hope) respond to all queries I receive even if there is no connection. It is nice when I've contacted someone for them to reply and say no there is no connection but wish me well in my research. I do the same if it is the other way round. It's only manners after all!
If the reason that she's blanking me is because of some family feud that she knows about (the reason as I've mentioned we don't know much about my dad's aunt - he didn't even know he had this aunt!) then that is no reason to treat me this way and as I've said previously and as Wheeldon has said - they are not worth it.
I just feel so much better that others go through the same thing as I had started to take it personally - it's just a pity that we do, but I suppose that is families for you!
Sharon
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Hi I have only one that writes back often Found them on here As I can figure must be a distant cousin. We share the same great grandmother. Seems like a very nice person al b
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If the reason that she's blanking me is because of some family feud
Family feuds are the best ever!! ;D
I have that in my family as some relative got the Victorian antiques...... & my mum refuses to let me contact the family that got them ........Doh!!!! (I wonder if there will be fights over my possessions when I pop off ??? I hope not!)
Cal 8)
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I think some of these people get ofended by what there people did. My thought is it was a hundred or two years ago. I have an ancestor that was a Pirate. He died 1756 and who cares. If you stew about what happened hundreds of years ago must not have anything else to do ::) ::) al b
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Dont take it to heart Sharon. Sometimes people do get excited by finding a contact but many people (myself) included are doing several branches of the family and perhaps the information just got 'buried' in the pile.
I try to keep in touch with my contacts at least once a year whether or not there has been any fresh information. Some have fallen by the wayside and after the first swapping of information I never hear from them again, but I'm getting philosophical about it now and concentrate on the nice ones that do stay in touch. Hope you have many of these
Devon Girl
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If you really want the information you think this contact has, I would email her again. Do not accuse her of blanking you - she may not have done this, perhaps she has unintentionally just given this impression.
It's impossible to speculate on others thoughts or lives. I agree with Devon Girl, she may be working on another branch of the tree, or given up searching altogether. If there is a long complicated story surrounding this aunt, you never know, she maybe can't be bothered or just hasn't got round to sitting down and typing it up (a chore for some people).
You have nothing to lose by emailing and asking her again. I'd ask directly about the aunt and say that curiosity is getting the better of you. How would you feel about giving her your phone number in case she would prefer to phone you?
Having said all that I do think she should have replied to you out of common courtesy. But you might have to "suck up to her" to get the info you need ...
PS. Just had another thought, if you think there might be some kind of family feud involved here, you may want to say that you have no particular loyalties to any family members, don't want to take sides, and you are of the opinion that what is in the past stays in the past. Just give the impression that you couldn't care less about pointing the finger at anyone, but you are just very curious.
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I occasionally receive contact messages from either ancestry or genes. I do try to reply straightaway but sometimes, if I get in from work and have brought stuff home with me to work on, or dog needs walking, contracts to do for the band I work for or tea needs making, I will put the email to one side to reply to proprly, later. Unfortunately, I will admit, sometimes that takes longer than I would ideally like it to. I keep the emails as 'new' and even forward them to myself, to keep them in the mailbox - i get round to them all eventually but, the more involved the enquiry, the longer it takes me to reply.
I think that is probably often the case - people begin researching, their trees go up on the web (via genes or whatever) but circs change - priorities change - I don't think people are being rude deliberately. It can be frustrating but i try not to take it personally when it happens to me, because I know i am not entirely innocent myself
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I must admit I try to respond as soon as possible, but like you say sometimes life gets in the way!
What infuriates me is when someone has asked me about a person in my tree, I have given them what information they want, then they don't answer my questions.
I had one person, who I sent quite a bit of information, newspaper articles and photographs, and she hasn't been in touch since. Even though I have contacted her a few times. When I looked at her tree, she had filled it in with all my info!!! (I must admit I don't let anyone see my tree for this reason - sad you have to be like that though isn't it???).
:(
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Just perusing your notes ( hope you don't mind ).If rellie has tried to make contact it's for 2 reasons 1) she wants to keep in touch.2)she wants to know what you know.I agree with fek33 I'm a bit cynical now on why someone wants to make contact but a couple of days ago I received some photos of 2xgreatgranparents this way so it's not all give,but most of the time it is.
Jim
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Well, if she wants to keep in touch why doesn't she? She stopped contacting me over a year ago, contacted me again through GR (although I don't think she realised it was me) and didn't respond to my reply through GR.
I just don't understand it all. I'll think over the weekend then maybe send her an email in a few weeks time (give her more a chance to respond) and ask if there is a reason she won't respond to me. I'll do it nicely, I'm not the kind of person to take things out on others, even if they are the person causing it. I've been brought up better than that!! ;D I just don't like confrontations - face to face or email. I'm in Scotland, she's in Canada so very unlikely we will ever meet anyway.
I've had another couple of contacts recently through GR - not immediate family, several relations between us - but they have been so nice and we've exchanged info.
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With out GR I would not have Mat as my avatar!
It does work ..in time! Someone I contacted had my g grandfather, mother and Mat in his family photos............ but never knew he/she was?
But 2 days ago I contacted someone on there who I know is of the same tree came back saying 'not my relative' bland reply................... I know they are related......... their loss ;D
Cal 8)
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I know there is a lot of threads on GR and I'm sure this has been said before ... but why do they register, take the time to put details on, then never reply when someone contacts them?
I'm too nosey (or should that be interested!), and I want to know what my family from the past did, who they were, etc
Sharon
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I know there is a lot of threads on GR and I'm sure this has been said before ... but why do they register, take the time to put details on, then never reply when someone contacts them?
I'm too nosey (or should that be interested!), and I want to know what my family from the past did, who they were, etc
Sharon
In answer to your question .......... God knows why??? I find that so bizarre too!!
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Some people like to play the numbers game and get as many ancestors as they can.she's got what you have and now she's looking for more from someone else it seems.It's a pity they seem happy with that when the real interest is how our ancestors lived which can only be got from communicating with other family members like yourself.
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Jim, you've probably got it spot on there.
I'm more interested in tryng to find out how they lived, get wee snippets of their lives. Maybe that is why I've not gone as far back as I can because I keep getting sidetracked!
Sharon
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that's right.....you come across someone intriguing and thats it off you go until you know everything about them.Much more satisfying than having a lot of William & Elizabeths going back to the year dot.
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I have an ancestor that was a Pirate. He died 1756 and who cares.
I would love to have somebody interesting like a pirate in my family tree. It shows character. My grandfather has proved elusive, and I think has made most of his life up, but SO WHAT!!! I don't feel embarassed for him, just annoyed that I can't find any genuine information on him. There's no record of him wherever he was supposed to be, and in the army records etc. I still wouldn't be embarassed about him, and it wouldn't stop me from getting in contact with somebody with the same problems, if they were related. So far, I've found no-one, and expect to find no-one.
Don't bother about it too much. I would e-mail the person and explain that you have previously contacted them, and say you are curious that they have not replied. There's not much more you can do is there? Obviously something bothering them somewhere, but probably not as big an issue as you think.
Rosemary
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Wish I had someone as exciting as a pirate!
There are family rumours about my g grandfather - this mystery aunt's father - some that I have managed to prove are incorrect. If this relative who doesn't want to know me, has been told of these rumours then she can carry on believing them to be true, although they are not. Her loss. We know the truth.
Sharon (who has just realised the time and now off to bed!).
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We had a family scandal. My mothers cousin is my only living relative that can tell me anything about my great grandmother. But due to the scandal(my grandfather was divorced coz his wife committed adultery and had a child with another man. Then took her children and as far as I can decipher. They never mixed with my mums family) But coz of this old cousin wont talk about the family.
Really frustration as mum is gone and her true brothers and sisters were to young to remember their grandmother. The half siblings are all dead now so it would heart nobody.
But after a couple of letters and absolutely no response I have given up hope of getting any info, which makes me so said.
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Many of the "scandals" of the past would not be given a second thought in this day and age.
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I think some of these people get ofended by what there people did. My thought is it was a hundred or two years ago. I have an ancestor that was a Pirate. He died 1756 and who cares. If you stew about what happened hundreds of years ago must not have anything else to do ::) ::) al b
This is the quote I meant to use earlier. It didn't come out as a quote!! Just me and technology. I really do wish I had an ancestor who was a pirate.
My grandmother's sister had a baby out of wedlock, which was brought up by her brother and wife. She then moved to London and worked in the Eagle Tavern as a barmaid. When I read up about the place, lots of young men went there after work to be 'entertained'!!! She ended up in an asylum. I think it's all really interesting, and have been trying without success to get her admission records. But I know my dad would think it was awful if he knew about her.
Rosemary
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Yes My mum didn't want me to look in to the family tree, God rest her. She really did look on it as a scandal I guess as I only found out last year that my grandfather had been married twice. He didn't even commit adultery it was his wife.
I just wonder why he never kept contact with his1st family. He died before I was born so I never knew him. As you say today it wouldn't be a scandal at all.
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This was a generation that believed in "sweeping things under the carpet"."Nothing said soonest mended" in other words forget it and it'll go away.They didn't have the time or energy to dwell on the past,it was a case of "deal with it and move on".What formed this attitude was that they had very little except their dignity and self respect and respect of others,"what would the neighbours think" was always in the back of their minds,now we don't care what the neighbours think ( well I don't anyway ).
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Been having a time finding out about my bunch. There must ave been something wrong because grandpas sisters and brothers all left as they became of age. all but two they died. Grandpa went to Canada and then to US never looked back and did not talk about them. The pirat was on Grandmas side Alan
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This was a generation that believed in "sweeping things under the carpet"."Nothing said soonest mended" in other words forget it and it'll go away.They didn't have the time or energy to dwell on the past,it was a case of "deal with it and move on".What formed this attitude was that they had very little except their dignity and self respect and respect of others,"what would the neighbours think" was always in the back of their minds,now we don't care what the neighbours think ( well I don't anyway ).
I totally agree with that. My Mother wouldn't question people in authority, As they were brought up that Dr's and such know better etc.
My grandfathers neighbours were always referred to Mr or Mrs soandso never by their 1st names.
My grandparents were referred to as Nanny and granddad Saunders and nanny Turner, Again never 1st names. and I am only 33. So it was still going on till quite recently. That said my Gran was born over a 100 years ago. My grandfather 11 years older than her (who I never knew) so I guess thats where mum got her Values which in essance were quite Victorian from.
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I have "lost" a cousin like this too, except I think there is more to it than those above. I have a number of ways to contact her, including a postal address, and she hasn't answered me for about a year. I know she's been going through extremely tough times in the last couple of years but sometimes I've been almost in tears worrying about her and her husband. They live not far from Chicago and finally a friend of mine in Florida managed to speak to my cousin's husband on the phone. I have still not heard anything but at least I know they are both still alive and reasonably OK.
It's quite different with my UK cousins in the West of England, who resolutely ignore letters from me trying to return a family heirloom to them. I have no children you see and I know they have more generations than we have in our branch. I just feel it's more appropriate for the item, which belonged to our mutual great-grandmother and was with them for about 15 years following her death, to go back to them. It worries me not knowing what to do with it after my own death. I don't want anything from them - in fact I think they are rather ignorant and ill-bred in view of their attitude, and so I'd prefer NOT to have anything to do with them - but I would like them to take back this item. >:(
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trying to return a family heirloom to them. I have no children you see and I know they have more generations than we have in our branch. I just feel it's more appropriate for the item, which belonged to our mutual great-grandmother and was with them for about 15 years following her death, to go back to them. It worries me not knowing what to do with it after my own death. >:(
This is a problem Mrs. Lizzy. I have two boys who are not in the least bit interested in the family heirlooms. I am lucky in that I have cousins whose children would appreciate them, so will probably leave the important items to them. Neither of my boys are interested in their family tree so these items mean nothing to them.
With regard to Contacts going quiet. I contacted a lady last year who had posted on Genes Reunited. Due to one thing and another I was not able to send her the information for sometime and felt really guilty about this. I have promised some more information but this has only just been completed as I have had to photograph old documents and learn how to put them on the computer to print them out. This has taken me some time (not being very computer literate). I expect she has 'given up on me' and I do feel guilty about it but hopefully when she does receive this info she will forgive me for the long delay.
Cathy :)
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I know that branch of the family has a rising generation - there is at least one young woman in her mid twenties by now who may have children of her own, and she might like to have the item which is a piece of jewellery. If I knew where they were I could at least will the item to them but I would so much rather pass it on now. All I know is her name and that she would be about 24 now. I know where her grandmother lives - Devon - and have written to her but get no reply from the old sweetheart. Since I know her grandmother is still living there, I might just post the item to her and let her deal with it. It was she who passed it to me back in the 80s.
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Just thought I'd respond on the original subject of this thread as someone who is not always up-to-date with her correspondence :-[
I have an enormous tree - over 10,000 people and counting. As a result I get a virtually unmanageable volume of responses from GR and the like - many about people I'm not connected with (same name, different place/date/century), many more about people I am connected with, however distantly (6th cousins 5 times removed etc) and a few about closer rellies.
I reply, I think (hope!), to every single one of these with a polite personal message - even if only to say that unfortunately there is no connection. However, this takes an enormous amount of time and sometimes one gets behind. I recently caught up (think I am now up-to-date) but what with having a real life and a busy career as a barrister it's not always immediate. I do always apologise where there is a significant delay.
All of which is to say - if someone doesn't reply to a message, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to be in touch. They may be deluged with messages/suffering computer problems/travelling abroad /having babies/suffering bereavements. Even the most addicted of us have to put FH to one side sometimes.
I'm always delighted if people prompt me politely where I've overlooked them - not, however, when I get the WHY HAVEN'T YOU RESPONDED TO MY MESSAGE OF YESTERDAY ones when I log on bleary-eyed after an overnight flight or the like.
Anna
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Hi, back to my original query - I take it all back! I have now had a response. :D
The explanation being her computer crashed over a year ago and lost all the data (still no explanation why it has taken a while to respond to the last bit of correspondence when she contacted me through GR though).
So I am about to reply to her email to me and hopefully we will not lose touch again. And I'm hoping she may know if there is a reason why my dad's aunt is a bit of a mystery.
However, I have loved reading all the responses on this thread and hopefully, one day, your contacts will get back in touch or reply. MrsLizzy, I can't believe no-one would want your old piece of jewellery. I would grab it if a relative offered me one!
Sharon
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I've been following this thread with interest. I'm so glad there is a very innocent explanation for the lack of reply - maybe that is the same for why some of my contacts went quiet. Sometimes we forget that our puters are not as robust as we would like to think they are. A puter crashing can be compared with the old fashioned losing an address down the back of the sideboard!
Sallysmum
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That's good news, Sharon, you will have to keep us updated about how it progresses.
Good luck
Fiona :)
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Hi again
She's gone quiet again! I forwarded to her all the info I had (the emails she had previously sent me) and I've not even received a reply of "thank you".
Huh! >:(
Sharon
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I have been rather bad at keeping up contact with some distant rellies. Either one takes it further and meets up etc, or after the initial exchange of info it gets hard to keep up.
I now try to keep all contacts in a FH folder and try to drop an email every 6 months or so.
So I guess many of these failed contacts are not really malicious.
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Hi Sharon,
Have read your thread with interest having just found it ;) and would like to make a small comment.
We must remember that while most of us are addicted to this obsession we call Genealogy some people are merely interested. The advent of GR enabled all types to add their tree's online and have received many, sometimes literally hundreds, of connections.
Imagine you are dabbling in the puddle and catch a small nibble and that turns out to be a huge fish you can not manage. That is what can happen, this person enquires and receives what he/she may consider to be a mountain of information. Some of this information agrees with her little pile but the rest is new. Maybe as with the shark he/she just ran away. After all how can you respond except by "WOW! I do not know where to start." But I agree there should have been an explanation and an apology. But I never made one at school when I enterred the big boys playground by mistake.
Keep searching there will be other descendants and contacts to give you your information. Maybe one day you and your cousin will have a good laugh about this in your old age ;)
Alan
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The problem is when you give them loads of information then never hear a word back from them. It's really rude.
When I first joined Genes Reunited I saw someone on there with my G-Grandmother, and when he eventually replied and opened his tree, it turned out he was decended from her sister. I thought some of the people on his tree were strange, such as my G-G Grandad marrying 2 different people in the same year, despite both the women appearing on censuses with a husband of the same name, clearly a different person.
I sent him a long winded message with all the info I had on the family, and asked him why he thought it was the same person, and never heard from him again.
I have now received the marriage certificate for my G-G Grandparents and have found that he is completely wrong about who he thought their parents were and has a completely wrong line on his tree. I dont see why I should tell him though after he took my info and ran. :-\
Erin :)
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I think I'm just one of those people who expects manners - after all that is the way I was brought up. I know not everyone will even think of saying thank you when the rest of us expect and naturally say it.
I was totally embarassed when I noticed on another thread I hadn't thanked the people to tidied up a photo for me and I'm hoping there aren't more I hadn't thanked!
Erin - I would be so tempted not to tell the man or you should contact him and say you have found evidence he has the wrong info but not go any further (maybe I do have a side where I don't have any manners! ;)).
Anyway, thank you to everyone who has read this thread, shared their stories with the rest of us and given me (and others) great advice!
Sharon